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Casual scribe

I feel really sad and motionless

My best friend and I broke up two days ago. On the first day I cried a lot and I wished I never said I wanted to end the friendship. On the second day, I felt guilty and upset with myself and thought " I had brought this sadness upon myself". Now, I feel sad but I can't cry and I feel conflicted. For context, we had been friends for one year, on and off and he was my best friend, we did everything together and messaged multiple times a day. Now, I realise I was codependent on him and I wish I hadn't ended the friendship. In saying that, we did not have complementary personalities and we hurt each other a lot, the friendship was toxic and I could feel him being more critical of me every day. So I ended the friendship. It wasn't working for either of us. Especially for him as well, since he told me that he was trying everything and was willing to do anything I asked to be friends. I told him I wanted to be friends with him and not who he thought my friend looked like. Even writing this makes me sad because I regret so much in the friendship and the last interaction I had with him was me slamming the door on him and telling him to leave because I was so hurt when he said more hurtful things about how hard I was to be friends with. He also said that he doesn't experience problems we had with anyone else or other people.              

For context, he was from outback country and I have only ever lived in the city so when any difficulties came up, we attributed them to our differences in background. He messaged me on text and said that he was available to talk to but not everyday and only when my other friends didn't respond because I also have trouble with my mental health, and anxiety and OCD. Ultimately, I feel really hurt and I trying hard not to message him and go back to the friendship because it wasn't serving me, but it feels like the hardest thing right now. I don't feel any initiative to pursue any hobbies and honestly, I feel as though I don't have any hobbies anymore and I realise how much space he took in my life.

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