Hi Everyone,
I just thought I might come here to say Hi and a few things that have happened over the past two weeks.
Firstly my depression, I'm not sure where I'm going with it. I feel stuck. I feel alone and sad most days, and I want to cry. I thought things might improve after being in the hospital, but I don't think they have. I wish there was something I could do to make things better. I'm trying so much to help myself, but nothing seems to be helping.
Secondly, work. Work has been awful since coming back. I had to work with a horrible colleague for five out of my past six shifts and didn't cope well at all. She was very passive aggresive and right out rude and mean to me. On Tuesday, when I was at work, I was asking her some questions, right, and you know what? She said, "My name just shut up. You're giving me a headache", so I did. All I did was ask a few questions as I'm still learning in my job. She has also said many other things over the past few shifts, which has been awful. I came home sobbing after each change, and then I was always so emotional the next day. I'm unsure if my depression was also a contributing factor because then I started to ruminate and spiral. Thank god I don't work again until next Wednesday.
I don't get why I go to school and get bullied there; management was terrible at my first job, and then my second set of two jobs last year where fantastic staff and colleagues were great. I don't know how much more I can take. I've sent a couple of emails to my team leader and the NUM, which is the Nurse Unit manager, if you didn't know. So hopefully, something I might come out of it.
Also, my aunt has been such a great support over the past nine months, maybe a little longer. She is going away for three weeks, so I'm not going to have as much support over the next few weeks, which is disappointing. I also had a chat with her and my uncle, I think, last week about how they will support me in the future as she will be working a lot more. She has just finished her uni course and will be doing an internship, two days of private practice and two days at her current job. So I will only be able to talk to her once every three weeks, which is a bit of a jump from when we talked every week.
The funny thing is, though, my uncle said we don't want you to feel abandoned. I was like yeah, I know all good. Deep down, I'm like, well, um, of course, I do. All this change so quickly is a lot. At least I still have my psychologists and my regular at Kids Helpline.
I'm also slightly worried about how I've been feeling the past week and a bit about my urge to SH. I haven't done it in two or three months, but things have been so stressful. I'm just not sure how to cope with it all. Also, my SI has increased a bit, so I'm just trying to monitor it over the next few days as I don't have work so I won't be as busy. When I am busy, I have less time to ruminate, but now with me not working until Wednesday, that is a lot of time to ruminate. I want to stay safe, which I am right now. Currently, I am just monitoring things, and I also have a check-in with my counsellor at KHL on Sunday. She said I could also call or web chat between our sessions if I feel like I am deteriorating or in a crisis.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post. So much seems to happen in such a short amount of time which is just great for me.
