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Hi 

So school is really busy at the moment. I’ve got multiple assignments on the go and exams are getting closer. My friends are in relationships and what I see is that they’re happy, something special in their lives. I’m single and don’t have siblings and I don’t have a best friend who I can talk to often. Relationships are another thing causing me stress and anxiety. There’s little chance of a relationship because there isn’t any other gay guys in my school. I don’t have many other connections outside of school. My job is cleaning at a hotel and all the other staff are adults and woman (no offence) it’s just I don’t work with other people around my age unlike all of my friends.

I basically hit burnout and I’m trying to get back to normal.

The issue is my burnout is more severe than I expected. I’ve almost loss motivation to do school. Every subject I do causes me stress to a certain degree. The main subjects are English, I have a exam this week it’s creative writing and I’m worried that I’ll fail because I’m not good at English.

While I am normally keen towards the sciences, our Chemistry assessment is a student experiment and I’m stress about getting it wrong. 
I’ve been having thoughts like ‘what is the point of this’, ‘is life worth living if it doesn’t make you happy’ I’m sorry that this is very disturbing.

yesterday I was overwhelmed, I just want to push the pause button on my life and get a chance to breathe.

I have no desire or intention to commit self harm or suicide, but whenever I…

Simultaneously my brain thinks ‘I don’t want to die’ it’s a intense struggle that causes me to cry almost every time. It’s my brain trying to think of ways to put my life on pause but it’s just super messed up.

I have tried journaling and recently started mindfulness to attempt to keep my thoughts away from all that. But I know those thoughts are in the back of my mind and I try not to think about it. 

What I am asking is: how do I stop having such intrusive thought and disturbing thoughts. When I’m clam and I’m rational I think ‘I don’t want to die’ and those intrusive thoughts go away. I really wish this wasn’t happening to me. Any advice? 
I know I’ve accomplished lots of things in my life but once my mind goes into those intrusive thoughts it’s are to regain control.