Early June, my family and I adopted a new kitten. We already have two cats and I really fell in love with this new kitten when we saw her at the pet store. She settled in immediately.
Things in general have been tough. I'm falling very far behind in school. My health is declining and money is a very sensitive thing in my family. My sister and I work minimum wage jobs and I have recently quit my job due to a very intense burnout. My mum works full time but has been cutting her hours and lately has just been skipping work. We can't afford rent, bills, groceries and now due to my older cats getting a few colds here and there, we can't afford the vet bills. My mum decided the kitten needed to go. It was already too much trying to afford a life for three humans let alone three cats. She decided that since she was still a kitten it would be better if we gave her a chance to have a better life. While I agree that she deserves much more than she could ever get from me, she was my soul pet. She was me but as a cat. I loved her with all my heart and it felt like my heart dropped when I found out she would be going. We surrendered her yesterday and I feel terrible. This has to be one of my worst episodes of sinking into a bottomless pit I have ever experienced. I'm always crying and I can't even mention her without wanting to audibly sob. I just feel like I could have worked harder and better but I was so close to giving up completely when I did put all my energy and effort into work. I know she'll find a better home and a good family but I just feel so selfish for wanting to keep her even though I wouldn't be able to provide that proper lifestyle.
I also think I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. I occasionally get panic attacks. My heart begins to pound and my chest hurts, I can't breathe, my hands get tingly and I just uncontrollably cry. My panic attacks usually last around 10-20 minutes. But this one has been going on for almost a full week now. I just feel so terrible and there's this feeling of impending doom in my gut. I feel like everything is going wrong and it's driving insane.
. I don't like it but I feel like there's no choice. I have an app called calm harm and sometimes it helps but when I feel like I've hit the ground that's further than rock bottom, I go back to my old ways.
As I've mentioned, there are also some health issues that are coming up for me. A lot of common abnormalities but things I never even thought about having. One that sticks out to me is the possibility of having a condition that ultimately leaves me infertile. I'm only 16 and I know I don't fully know what I want yet but I had decided that I never want children. Just based on how I've seen the lives of adults in my life who have children play out. It's not that appealing. But when my doctor mentioned that this condition could mean I have a low supply of eggs and could be infertile, I felt sad. I felt like even if I did change my mind in the future, I wouldn't even be able to have one. It's like you never want something but when someone tells you that you can never have it, you want it. It's just confusing.
But in conclusion, I miss my cat. I feel like a terrible human being, I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack, my chest hurts, I could possibly never have kids, and everytime I picture my future I end up sad. No matter what happens. I'm always sitting on my bed, by myself feeling like I'm 12 again. The age where shit hit the fan.
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