Hi everyone,
I just wanted to come by and say a few things.
I'm still in the hospital but going home on Friday. I'm nervous about going home but have plenty of support, so I should be okay.
My uncle and aunt have been a great support for me, which I value a lot.
I have my new psychologist. I'm not quite sure yet about his style. He likes to challenge me a lot and put pressure on me. He always asks how I'm feeling, where I feel it and on what scale from 1-10, so I'll have to get used to that. He doesn't like that I have a defence mechanism: laughing and smiling at something I shouldn't be, but It's hard not to when I've been doing it for so long. One thing I don't understand is that I tell him I need to trust him to be vulnerable. It's not easy to do, and it takes time, but he says I don't need to develop trust. It's just there because it's his job. I don't know about that. Having people in a power imbalance like I did when I was at school for so long makes me distrust people. So maybe I feel like I distrust him because it feels like there is a power imbalance with him as well. I was bullied for 13 years. The school did nothing to help me, so maybe because the teachers and school psych were not helping, I feel scared to let him help me. He also talks about how I'm conflict with wanting to feel better. I want to get better, but it's just so hard. I feel comfortable (as painful as it is) where I'm at right now, so if I do get better, it means something could happen, and then I'm back here again.
I wish I felt better after being here for nearly three weeks, but no. The new meds might take some time to kick in. I feel so sad and alone. I don't know how to fix it. I also hate myself for some unknown reason, and I'm literally belittling myself and being my own never ending bully in my head, which is just so fun. Not.
I think it has to do with going home, and I'm scared. However, saying that, I'm safe right now. I'm finishing up an assessment and find something to do after that. I've been busy enrolling in my units for uni next year.
I'm looking forward to that. I'm also having a session with my regular at KHL tonight, so that will be good.
