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Frequent scribe

TW: Depression is really bad.

Hi, I'm 19 years old, 20 in a month.


As you can see, I'm struggling pretty bad. Mainly with feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. I used to fear death like crazy but nowadays it's simmered down and what's replaced it is feelings of pointlessness. When I don't fear death as bad, I sort of start to think of how pointless mine and everyone else's life is, how no matter what we do or achieve in the end, at some point we cease to exist. A key value I have for life is connections and relationships. While I do have plenty of people to call my family or friend/s, it still just doesn't feel like any of them really do care. Everything feels one sided, I message and initiate everything and either get responses hours or days later or nothing at all. I don't receive any messages asking if I wanna do something, play something, talk, or simply asking how I am, Nothing. All my 'friends' and family are nothing like me, I just disappear into the background. While I try to not let it get to me, it always has and always probably will.

I'm at the point where I'm just sort of ready to give up and accept the fact that no matter what I try I will never come into the thoughts of anyone's mind. While I won't be committing suicide or anything, everyday is a bore and I can't seem to imagine that any difference would be apparent whether I was dead or alive.

From an outsiders point of view I'm sure that's not the case, but in my head it sure as hell seems that way. I've spent the last 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 years in my bedroom on my computer no job no nothing. I have a warped sleep cycle where I start my day at 12 - 1ish pm. So half of the jobs I can't even make too unless I wanna feel like I'm on deaths door every time I wake up.

I'm morbidly obese but starting to lose weight, but I still don't feel happy or fulfilled even when I have been able to make a change. I'm a recluse with no happiness. Everything I used to enjoy is becoming a task or something that is uninteresting anymore. I'm constantly just in a state of melancholy.

Crying doesn't help, laughing doesn't help, like I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any dreams or aspirations other than to be married and a father at some point, yet looks like I'll be alone all my life. I don't speak to anyone about it because they can't relate, they don't know how depression or anything works. They don't know how to help, so I just keep it all to myself, and every time I do open up, nothing changes, it just becomes a drop of water in the ocean, like I never reached out. (pun included.) I've always prided myself in trying to put others happiness before me but I can only do it for so long before I forget about my own, which just so happens to be the case now. I hope you all are happy and surviving, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my sob story, apologies for wasting your time.

Thanks, Sam

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