Hey @Cup I'm really sorry to hear that it feels like everything is falling apart. It makes sense that you may be feeling mentally down, even if nothing is physically wrong. I don't think that you're alone at all in feeling isolated or alienated from friends and family at this time of year and just want to get it over with. As hard as it is, many people may find themselves in the same situation as you're in, but I understand that this may not make it feel less lonely.
It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to find ways to cope and nothing has helped so far. I was wondering if there was anything extra or special that you could do to make this holiday season feel a bit more bearable, whether that's trying something new or rewarding yourself for the year gone by?
You also said that people have been judging you for your sexuality, and that you find it hard to explain your feelings and emotions. We wanted to let you know that your sexuality is always valid and if you are feeling judged or are unsure of where to go, there are great services like QLife who can help you navigate through this period. It may be the case that they can also help you find ways to communicate about your sexuality that feel more in control for you, if that's what you are hoping to do. How you are feeling in yourself after coming to terms with your sexuality?
