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Cup
Super frequent scribe

TW: Mixed emotions

I'm unsure if this needs a (tw)  but I'll put it on anyways (tw)  

 

My partner has asked me to marry them and start a family   

Spoiler

but after losing one baby  like 3 years ago  I haven't been the same  it's not because of the baby it's because of the way it happened  it was a sa by my ex partner at the time  I really don't know how to feel  about this because all my life I have been sa  by family and ex partners not all of my ex partners tho  I don't know if I am ready for anything yes my partner has said there's no rush or anything they will not pressure me I don't know how to move on from everything 

The last sa was in December last year yes I still get nightmares about and I still feel everything  I still blame myself for it 

 

I had a nightmare 3 nights ago if it happening again  it was a bad one  yes the police know but I don't really talk about it because I get scared and uncomfortable because it was a old man anyways 

 

 

I have been a little up and down I have so much in my head  I am sick of people judging me  I already feel everything is my fault  my MH isn't the best  I feel shitty been crying  I feel out of control  

 

It's been months since my family has contacted me which I feel okay about  I am all by myself   

 

I have so many emotions running in me it's hard to explain   

 

I am not distressed or anything  I am just scared of things happing 

 

yes I am safe , I called lifeline I am about to shower listen to music 

 

Also yes the police know but I haven't been comfortable talking to them about anything yet   

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