Life's been a lot lately and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it.
I feel like I have so much to do and no motivation or energy, or even time. I'm a bit behind in my study and I have an oral presentation I have to give on Friday. I wrote it a few months ago, so I'd really like some more time to practice through it. And then my casual work at the bakery. And then also some online training I have to do for two different things. Anyway, I just feel so overworked. And that's not adding all my other commitments like my Bible studies, church service, and music lessons. I wish I could just take like a month off everything. But I can't even take a week off.
Then I was feeling pretty bad today. I was a few minutes late to work, and my boss told me off but he kept going on about it. And then he was also asking if I could work different hours tomorrow, but he was expecting me to know straight away whether I was available or not. And not doing it very nicely. I'm also not liking how he interacts with me, but I don't want to address it, cause I feel like it would make it worse for me cause he might make fun of me for thinking that way. I don't think he sees a problem with it, and none of the other people would either. Anyway, I don't know what I should be doing about that. I wouldn't mind talking to someone about that in person, but i don't really know who to talk to it about.
I've also been having to hold tears in all day, and my mum just asked how I was cause she noticed something was off. But i hate talking to her about that type of thing, so i just said I was fine. And now I'm crying.
I've also been crying at night again. I really wish I could talk to someone about everything, but i don't really have anyone i can talk to.
And then i was also trying out some less severe forms of self-harm except it didn't leave any marks, which is what I really wanted. It's kind of like I want to get worse before I get better. I want the scars. But that doesn't feel like it should make sense. Anyway, I stopped that, but still the alternatives, as in the things that don't injure properly.
Yeah, I've just been having a hard time lately, and I am so tired.
Anyway, I'm safe. i have a counselling session this Friday, so i might be able to go over a few of these things with her then. And if I need to, I'll contact headspace.
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