Hey @Pinkfluffyunicorn24,
Seems like you have gone through a lot after losing your ex-best friend. It is definitely tough, and it seems that you have put in a lot of effort to make it work.
For me personally, it have lost an ex best friend as well, and I feel you, it was the most painful to experience in existence. During that period, it was tough, as you thought if you want to make it work and I did for a couple of times, hoping something will change, but in the end it didn’t.
I was left feeling guilty until I realised that we just didn’t really matched and it just occurs to me that it was time to move on, and I let go.
The hatred and anger, the shame and longing all went out as I started seeking support from services like my Uni- Counselling Servcies and Lifeline as well as communicating with my other close friends and family members
So I feel like, you ought to take some time for yourself a bit, really engage with the things you love ( reading, hiking etc) and also don’t be afraid to let out your emotions as well ( if you need to). After it all calms down, communicate with services and love ones
In any case, thank you for sharing your experience and I hoped my experience helped.
Take care
