Congrats to everyone currently studying for wrapping up this semester!! I just finished my exams yesterday and I feel so much lighter, and I also took some time to reflect on everything I've achieved so far this year. To be honest, I don't do this very often, as I've always had a bit of a weird relationship with achievement.
Since I was little, getting top marks has always been a 'given', something that came to be expected of me both by other people and by myself. People dismiss any of my anxiety or concerns about how I'll do, because to them, the only possible outcome is that I will do well. I like being someone who can be depended on so wholeheartedly to get things done, but at the same time it is so, so much pressure. And because of this natural expectation, every time I do well, it no longer feels special. It no longer feels like a reason to celebrate or something to be proud of, because all I'm doing is maintaining the level I've always been.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole thing, and there are a lot of different factors that come into it. I've been instilled since I was little with the values of hard work and modesty. So now I've grown up to become someone who feels like she has to do everything well and put 110% into everything, whilst never being outwardly proud of it or overconfident. To this day, I am still so scared of celebrating my own achievements, because I feel like it's arrogant of me, it's not a big deal anyway, and also I shouldn't celebrate too early because I still have so many more hurdles to cross in the future.
My parents also don't really believe in rewards. Every family is different, so I would like to ask that you withhold judgement because I don't believe they're bad parents by any means. It's just that my mum in particular never wanted to reward me for doing well as a kid because she was worried that I would only want to work hard for rewards. She wanted me to develop intrinsic motivation, and do well because it's rewarding in and of itself. I think I mostly agree with how she raised me, because it definitely helped me learn how to push myself and make myself do things even if there is no immediate reward. But at the same time, I now have such a weird relationship with rewards. I really, truly feel so awkward about being rewarded or complimented for anything, because to me, working hard is a given and something I do because it's good for me.
But after a lot of reflecting, I think that just because something is the 'right' thing to do doesn't mean that it's easy and not worth celebrating. Just because I'm just doing my 'duty' or following my principles doesn't mean that it doesn't take a lot of sweat and sacrifice. And actually, I might be a pretty cool person and it's okay to feel proud of myself and reward myself for things. I'm sure all of you are also very cool people in so many different ways, so I hope that you can also celebrate your wins, no matter how big or how small, because the effort you put into your life every day is meaningful and worth recognising.
So this year, I really want to be kinder to myself and take the time to celebrate the things I'm proud of. Right now, I'm proud of myself for working my butt off this semester and also trying out a lot of new things in volunteering and in my hobbies. I'm also proud of myself for growing more confident with meeting new people, and becoming a good leader in group projects. Tonight I'm going to wholeheartedly celebrate the semester's achievements with a friend, no matter how weird it feels to do so!! I'd also love to hear about what you're proud of, because I'm really finding now that reflecting on this and physically writing it out is such a great form of self care😊
