Hey @Charcoal_Goose
Whenever I realised I had a feeling for anyone my usual reaction would be freaking out, and quite frankly I was scared. I don't like my feeling getting hurt. I don't like being disappointed nor getting a rejection, so when a person shows a slight romantic interest in me, my defence mechanism would justify their action as a "friendly" kinda way or "I'm overreacting". And maybe that's the reason why I have never been in a meaningful relationship before, just like you, and I felt insecure about it.
I had a group of friends that I'm really close with and I'm the only one who is currently not and haven't been in a true romantic relationship before. I was sad about it for a while, to the point that I even doubted myself and questioned "what does love even mean, what does it look like and what about it that I want to experience so much?"
Although I was never truely alone, I felt lonely. I guess I wanted someone to be by my side and give me meaningful connection. But that couldn't be just anybody. I need the "right person". And for that person to come, it takes time and a whole lot of patience. I want someone who can support me whenever I'm down because I'm quite emotionally unpredictable, and someone who can do more than just reciprocate, someone that will not disappoint me like people in the past had. When I realise waiting for the right person is how I respect myself, I started to accept that fact that maybe I just need more time and that is okay. The lonely feeling still come up once in a while (or sometime more frequent:))) but it's okay, and it's totally normal because there is nothing wrong with yearning for a meaningful connection. In the end, I'm dealing okay with the lonely feeling because I'm liking no one so far, but if someone came I don't really know how I would deal with the fear as I still have the urge to run away from my feelings.
So my point is, although I don't know your exact situation or what trigger your fear of intimacy but I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you nor the fear that you are experience because I can totally relate to your feelings and I know that many people do too. These feelings (+intimacy) are uncomfortable sometime (or most of the time) and that is totally valid. I don't know if what I shared could help but your post has definitely given me a chance to be open about this kind of thing and I'm thankful about that. Thank you for trusting us:) I hope it helps.
