Hi @Wheresmyeggs
Thank you so much for sharing what has been happening for you. I am really proud of you for opening up to us all here, I hope what myself and others say may help you.
Losing a loved one is such a difficult thing, lots of thoughts, emotions and feelings can arise from it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like you must have been close with your grandfather, and his passing has had quite a significant impact on you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my grandfather in 2020, I was very close to him and it did feel like quite a big part of me died; therapy and support of my family did help me with the grieving process. I'm not sure how long ago or how recent your beloved grandfather passed, but have you allowed yourself to grieve? Would you be open to seeing a therapist or counsellor for further support?
I am sorry that I cannot give you an exact answer as to why you feel like a different person in the same body when you look in the mirror; it sounds like this is quite distressing for you. But I do know that grief and loss of a loved one not only provoke intense emotions but can also give someone a sense of identity shift. The fact that it has also gotten to the point where you hate yourself for being who you are, even though you don't know why, sounds even more distressing. If you are feeling scared, distressed or any other feeling, I want you to know that whatever you feel is valid, and that there is always services like Headspace ,Kids Helpline , and Lifeline available if you need further support.
I will also say that things like mental health conditions, trauma, and stress may cause a sense of disconnection from one's body or self or even self-hatred. Grief may also cause us to have an identity crisis where we question our own identity, values, morals and beliefs; this too may lead to feelings of disconnection. Do you think this may be happening for you?
Overcoming grief and loss is a challenging journey. But here is just a few tips/strategies that may help:
- Allow yourself to grieve by acknowledging and accepting your feelings, and allow yourself to process them
- Seek support through friends, family, and support groups (even here on ReachOut like you have)
- Look after yourself by engaging in self-care activities like your hobbies or even going for a walk outside
- Creating a memory book/space for your grandfather may help, or even find ways to honour and remember him by doing something meaningful like volunteering or pursuing a shared interest.
- Seek professional help via a counsellor or therapist to guide you through the grieving process.
- Allow yourself time to heal, be patient, show yourself some self-compassion, and remember that everyone's grief journey is different.
If you aren't seeing a therapist/counsellor yet, I do recommend at least speaking to a GP about what has been happening for you and go from there, they could also help you create a Mental Health Care Plan.
Here are a few more resources:
I really hope some of this has helped you a little bit.
- Matcha_Toad 🐸🍵💚
