@oTruAuzzie I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now and feeling this way. It must be very tough, I can't even imagine. It sounds like you were very close with the both of them.
I think the very important thing to remember at this time is to be gentle and kind to yourself, especially regarding your best friend. There was no way of you knowing that she would do that, especially at 1am while you were sleeping. You can't fault yourself if you weren't even awake during that time, considering you have no idea about what she was going to do. You are not to blame.
I understand you find that talking to a therapist about all of this might be tough for you. I'm so glad you reached out to our online community! We're all looking our for you. Do you have anybody else you could discuss this with that isn't a counsellor? Perhaps a close family member? There are also services such as Griefline that are available. I also strongly suggest, if you begin to feel those urges to harm yourself, that you reach out to Lifeline to get some additional support.
I'm wondering if writing your best friend a letter would help you to clarify some of those feelings, and give you a chance to say a proper goodbye? You could do this for your grandmother as well if you think it could be helpful. Maybe this could help you get out some of the words you wish you could have said to them? You definitely wouldn't have to do it right away if it would be too much for you, I just really wanted to suggest it to you as an option.
Please look after yourself, you are so valued 💜
Kind regards,
Green_Ghost
