In talking about forgiveness, it can be easy to forget that forgiveness also applies to ourselves. We’ve all been there, whether it was because we accidentally dropped mum’s favourite vase or because we didn’t get the mark we wanted, many of us have beat ourselves up over a mistake.
So what is self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiveness involves letting go of the negative emotions that come about after a mistake. However, you are still taking responsibility for your actions.
Self-forgiveness vs self-compassion
Compared to self-forgiveness, self-compassion is more focused on treating yourself in an open and non-judgemental way with kindness and allowing the space to acknowledge that no one is perfect. Put as simply as possible, you’re being a friend to yourself.
Self-compassion can also be applied any time you’re struggling or in distress, not just after you make a mistake.
Both self-forgiveness and self-compassion go hand-in-hand to allow us to move forward and improve as human beings. In fact, research has found that self-compassion can boost the positive impact self-forgiveness has on well-being.
So what are the steps to self-forgivenss?
The steps towards self-forgiveness are similar to forgiving others with the added step of taking responsibility for your actions and reflecting on them.
- Recall what has happened as objectively as you can - Acknowledge the mistake you made.
- Acknowledge and reflect on your emotions non-judgmentally - Allow yourself to feel that discomfort. Saying “I feel guilty” as opposed to “I am guilty” can help you acknowledge this feeling without making it a permanent part of you.
- Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and forgive yourself - Remember it’s okay to not always get things right. It is part of being human and you’re NOT a failure for making mistakes. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best.
- Accept responsibility for your actions - This could look like thinking about how to apologise to the person you hurt or on how to correct the mistake. You may or may not choose to go forward with the plan.
- Reflect on your actions - Think about what you’ve learnt from this experience, it could be that you’ve learnt a skill that will allow you to prevent making further mistakes.
- Give yourself time - It’s natural to ruminate over mistakes and sometimes they might even pop into your head randomly. Self-forgiveness takes time and you may find yourself jumping back and forth between stages. Take a deep breath and repeat the steps above. Give yourself some time, go for a walk, play some video games, watch a movie.
What are some things that help you to forgive yourself and/ or others?
Extra resources:
