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I am back on here. Things got better and I told myself I wouldn't be back but I've learnt you can't plan everything or else it won't work out. This time I don't just have one issue. I have many little things that are happening all at once and it's making feel as if one massive thing was happening. So let's break this up.

My mum and I don't have an ideal relationship. Most times I can't tolerate her and she feels the same for me. But there are those glorious yet short moments where everything feels okay. We make jokes, laugh, go out together but then something happens and it's back to being on bad terms or dismissive and closed off. The stupid thing is that I always believe something will change for the better. But this time, I'm sure it won't. I have two cats and they get fed wet food for breakfast and dinner and have biscuits being delivered by an automatic feeder during the day. Well, the dry food was finished but the feeder was full. It was a Sunday when all the biscuits were finished from the feeder. I told my mum we had to get more on Monday she said wait till Tuesday and it wasn't until Wednesday that she went to buy more. My sister, who had moved out, told her that it had been finished since Saturday. So my mum was left to believe the false information that was that my cats had no dry food for almost 5 whole days. And even then it still was not my fault because I had said we had to buy more on a Monday. She called me that Wednesday morning, screaming over the phone "YOU ARE GROUNDED! MY CATS HAVE BEEN WITHOUT FOOD FOR ALMOST A WEEK. YOU CAN EAT BUT MY CATS CAN'T? WHAT IF I STOPPED YOU FROM EATING?" I understood she was mad but sometimes she goes too far with the things she says. A few days later my mum had bought some things for a wedding she was attending (this is important information). The day of the wedding, my back locked and had continued to be in a crazy amount of pain for the next two days. I told my mum my back hurt so I would appreciate if she didn't ask me to get anything I would have to bend down for. As she got ready for the wedding she had asked me to grab an insane amount of things. I had to bend down at least 12 times. At this point my back was crying for help. She finally asked me to grab her shoes, I fetched the wrong pair and when she asked me to get the right ones, I snapped. I had finally had enough. I told her to get them herself because my back was killing me. She pulled that classic pissed off face and turned on the silent treatment. We did not speak for a whole week. Not until Christmas.

A few days after that incident, my sister sent me screenshots of messages my mum had sent her that afternoon. It's a lot and I won't go into detail but it was something along the lines of "she's always jealous when I do things or buy something for myself"

I feel like I don't need to clarify that I've never gotten upset over things my mother had bought for herself but I'm going to anyway, I really don't get upset of that. I showed ny friends, who already know the situation with my mum, the screenshots and was left questioning everything about my life. I felt bad and guilty, like I was trying to drag my mothers name in the dirt. My friends were shocked at the things she had said and began to pity me. It's not an ideal thing to be pitied by your own friends but it really makes you reflect on what's normal between families and what you've just grown to deal with. 

It was after this situation that I decided I'm going to work harder (if I could actually find a job) and save my money so I can move out. I don't want to cut ties with my mum. I truly love her. But I do think we both need time and space away from each other. I need to discover myself and grow as a person. I can't be stuck living with my mum, feeling this shame that she's had to end up with a such a bad daughter. That the good one left and I'm just there. But I still feel guilty about moving. My mum isn't married and I would be taking the cats with me. She'll be alone. I know it's time for me to put myself first but it feels so wrong.