I miss the time when everything was so simple, when I was younger everything was hidden or I just chose ignore what was right in front of me. I didn’t know, I didn’t understand the complex things which made it simple. I was happy because I was so unaware of everything going on around me.   I became independent from a young age, I was always quite, always found it difficult to talk about emotions or problems I had, kept everything to myself. I feel as though the only real family I have is my sister and I hardly talk to or see her now, I have two other half sisters but never really feel related to them, my dad was hardly apart of my life so their dad was sort of a farther figure at the time I guess. Now I’m older I’m aware that he isn’t a good person and I hardly ever see him.  My mum’s current partner I dislike a lot, they’ve been together for quite a while now, maybe eight years? Me and my real sister feel the same way about him, he’s always just sort of been “there”, we never looked up to him like our other sisters and I think he doesn’t understand that. He’s never had kids of his own, he’s very controlling and I never liked that, I feel as though me and my sister “grew up” really fast.   When I was fourteen my pop passed away, he had been sick for a little while and we never got told. We were rushed down to the hospital, I can’t remember much but I think he was on life support, there was tubes coming all out of him, it looked horrible, we held his hand and not long after he passed. At such a young age I think I didn’t know how to process it, I had fully understood the concept of death from a young age, I always knew I would have to experience loss, everyone dies eventually because we are mortal beings, it will happen to me one day too, I knew that from a very young age.   When he passed that’s when I became fully independent, he was a big part of my life and we were very much alike. I’m now eighteen and in the four years I lost another two family members and I think my dad will be soon to follow. I feel as though I still don’t know how to deal with loss, I don’t know if I have already fully accepted it or am yet still to truely face it.   I'm moving out in a couple of months and am ready to start over, leave everything behind and begin my new life, “my life”. I've had to live in this toxic household for far too long and I will finally be free. I think the only person I will keep in contact with is my real sister, we’ve had to face everything together, everyone else in our family had everything handed to them, we’ve had to work hard for the things we want.  I spoke to a friend recently about the small town mentality people have, I’ve lived in rural area’s most my life, small towns, hours from the city. I moved around a lot growing up and met a lot of different people because of it. But in each of these places everyone had the same small town mentality, very few had big dreams, big goals. At a young age we have these huge aspirations and life goals but that all disappears one day. We go to school and they slowly drill into us and change our mentality on life, you must have this, you must get a normal job, you must do this. They don’t develop our creative skills because they want us to live a “normal” life, they teach us ”the essentials”, they don’t push us to go outside our comfort zones, they keep us in a bubble and tell you not to leave it. Too often people with potential get stuck in small towns because they think there’s no way out, they stay there because that’s what is comfortable but guess what success is a very uncomfortable feeling, you got to get out side your comfort zone, chase you dreams, get your goals. Quite frankly the people I’m friends with at the moment don’t have any bigger dreams and I think they will be stuck in this town for the rest of their lives.   I don’t know why but I just have this feeling I’m supposed to do so much more in life, I don’t know what it is but I’m going to do something big, I want to change lives, have an impact on others be it friends, family or strangers. Maybe within the next seven years I might be able to come back and tell you what it is (seven years I would’ve turned 25 and then I will be too old for the forum’s age limit :( ) ... View more

Constantly questioning myself when talking to others, everyone seems to be too "busy" to do anything. Everything I feared is true, leaving caused everyone to leave me. Everything is turning to shit, how much longer can I pretend that everything is fine, how long must I hide? ... View more