Yeah that makes so much sense @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @Eden1717. I was always just wondering cause there's been a few times I've almost gone but then it scares me that I will feel so out of place and everyone will look at me so I don't end up going. I've never been admitted. It's been suggested a few times but it just scares me so I opt out lol ... View more

Thanks @Janine-RO & @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ❤ I've made it to my grandparents and we've decided to push the camping to next week with this miserable weather!!    Ahahaha.. haven't you heard of Debbie the downer before @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ? 🤣 Don't ask me where it comes from but it's a total saying. When I was younger if someone was feeling sad or being negative or whatever we'd tell them to stop being a debbie downer lol Probs not the greatest expression to use.. I mean especially if the person's name is Debbie lol    I hope you mean painted pot and not weed.. ahahaha Just the way you demanded your pot made me giggle!    Ugh, I feel like I kind of know that deep down. But then I just think of how much easier her life would be without me and how she probably just wishes I'd act on my thoughts already and stop wasting her time. As for times she's made me feel warm.. hmm.. like I know there have been moments but I'm really struggling to recall them at the moment. My drive today wasn't the greatest. I was just so caught up in my head and how she hates me and would be relieved if I wasn't her client anymore. So it's been a bit of a rough day and I've just been feeling pretty numb. I'll try and think of a good moment tomorrow cause I'm too tired tonight and not really in the mood cause I just can't see past her wanting me out of her life right now. I think the drive did confirm that I'm going to take a break from therapy though. I'm just sick of wasting her time cause it just makes me feel even worse. And my worries about her abandoning me have come back in full force so I honestly just think it's easier if I end it now. I'll just tell her I'm taking a break and then if I can manage to stretch it out for good and ignore my dumb attachment then I will. Cause I know I'm only setting myself up to fail with this whole therapy thing anyway.    Also.. I'll be careful of the bush pigs. I love that we both brought it up 🤣 ... View more

This might sound a little odd, but did you find you were able to relate to others in hospital? Or did you just feel super out of place?  ... View more

😮 You're telling me there's a glitch with us?!?! Lol Also, what even is the difference between the two reply options? I don't get it, although I've never actually tried quick reply tbh!    Would you even have his contacts if you wanted to contact him? Like are you allowed to stay in touch with people you meet in hospital? I can't remember if I've asked you this before? I feel like I might have asked you for group maybe? Sorry.. sleepy brain is kicking in!!    Ahahahaha well.. ya nailed it there but let's just go with big hearts! It's how it's listed in my shredded up self-compassion brochure ahahaha or was I should say.. lol RIP.    Yeah, I get the not lying to people feeling! But I'm also VERY thankful you asked to be kept safe. That truly shows guts and is something to be EXTREMELY proud of! I know I'm proud of you ❤    I'm gonna try get some sleep now but will chat tomorrow sometime! If I'm not on the fourms as much it'll be due to dodgy wifi but I'll try my best to check in! Also could be cause a bush pig has taken me... 🤣🤣🤣 ... View more

This is absolutely GOLDEN @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and if I knew where you lived I'd totally be sending you a man sized love heart pot!! 🤣🤣🤣 Sooo my thoughts on that have also changed.. I feel like she wouldn't want it now so not sure it's a good idea. Idk. We'll see what happens. I just really think I need a break. I'm not quite sure how long for exactly but I think I need one. I know this sounds silly but I just feel like she hates me and wishes I would die already so she didn't have to deal with me. And then it makes me hate myself even more and also wish I'd die? It's so stupid I know!! I honestly thought I was going so well but todays conversation just screwed me 😭 I'll get there though so please don't worry, I just needed to share my thoughts with someone! I think this time away, especially the few days camping, is really going to help! Or at least I'm really hoping it will!! Camping usually clears my head and puts things back into perspective for me so I'm slightly excited to be honest. Camping, plus a decent break from my psych should hopefully help! And maybe I can just turn the break to being permanent instead! Idk. I'm just angry at her for some reason and I feel like I don't need her anymore. Or want her help seems she doesn't want to help me.    Anyway that's that! My vent is over. I'm gonna get back to reading the handbook of self-hatred cause I shredded my brochure of self-compassion ahahaha Nah I'm all good! I'm just trying not to think about any of it actually. Out of sight out of mind!! Got my candle going to try relax me so I can fall asleep and be somewhat refreshed for my drive tomorrow 😊   Thanks for always bringing humor to my debbie downer moments!! ❤ ... View more

Okay, they are NOT insignificant things!! Everyone experiences grief differently and they experience triggers differently. There is NO right or wrong okay?! Man, if you knew half the shit that triggered me you'd probably piss your pants with laughter! So no feeling guilty!!! You have every right to feel the way you do ❤ Attachment issues SUCK. But unfortunately it's just what makes us us. Sure, they can get in the way and ruin relationships with people but hey, it's only because we have big hearts and over care so SURELY that gets us some points somewhere?! SURELY! If not, I'm out. See ya later! 🤣    I'm so glad to hear you had me in mind. I just knew that was why!! Lol But you know how you say you're a coward? It kinda makes me laugh cause that's the exact word I use about myself too. But I honestly cannot imagine how goddam brave that would have been for you to have decided not to follow through and take the easy way out. I honestly cannot imagine telling the nurses. Fuck you are brave!!!! That is no definition of a coward. Seriously girl. I can't imagine how hard that would have been for you. I'm so very proud of you for not giving up!! Thank you ❤    Do you still talk to red flag guy? Totally love his name btw!    Also, if I don't reply it's cause I've gone to sleep okay cause I've got that big drive in the morning!  ... View more

Bloody hell.. I coulda saved myself several headaches! Now ya tell me! 🤣 @Lost_Space_Explorer5  ... View more

Ahahaha but you speak so well for me @Lost_Space_Explorer5.. I could disappear for a few weeks and no one would even know it's you who's taken over! 'Look out, there's a new sherrif in town' 🤣 I did try tag myself but we know what I'm like with technology.. so we went with being a sherrif instead lol    But yes.. @Bananatime04 if there was a thumbs down button on here you would have won yourself a few then! I do NOT not like you!!!! And I'm sorry if I've come across that way 🙃 I have become rather protective of @Lost_Space_Explorer5 after getting to know her quite well. But I am also quite protective in general and if I knew something was triggering you, I can assure I'd be doing the same for you. I know all too well what grieving is like and what it's like to be triggered so I guess I just took it seriously. There was absolutely no hard feelings meant by anything!! And like @Lost_Space_Explorer5 said I HATE conflict and am a bit of a peace keeper lol So I just want to see everyone being chill with eachother and not upsetting each other cause being sad SUCKS. It's a shithouse emotion. One I know too well and if I can stop someone else from feeling it then I will!!    I honestly couldn't have really said it better than @Lost_Space_Explorer5 lol But I do wanna make sure you realise I'm not quite as happy and positive as you think I am 🤣 I do have a lot of shit going on. A lot that I won't even post on RO cause I don't feel like upsetting others and making them feel like they have to help me. So I don't want you to be thinking I have my shit together and don't wanna talk to you okay? Cause that ain't true! That's just a nasty thought trying to get in your head!! The offer is still there. Like we all agreed, this is a Macy and grief free thread but feel free to tag me in your personal one if you feel you'd like to chat or just want some extra support! I'm going to be signing off very soon cause I have a long drive tomorrow but will get back on when my reception is back to normal!!    2 things to take away from this: 1) I DON'T hate you. 2) I am here if you would like to talk (on your personal thread of course 😊)    Sorry for coming across as a protective mumma bear lol @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and I just have a bizarre and special relationship lol    As for all these bloody questions.. my brain is too tired so I shall answer them when I'm next in decent reception!!! 😊 ... View more

Ahahaha MATE if we had to do chemistry do ya think I'd be doing OT!? (The answer is a HUGE fat NOPE in case you were unsure lol)    You're not causing conflict!! I honestly wouldn't worry about it. If it's what I'm thinking then don't let it get to you okay? You need to put yourself first and take care of yourself before you can help others. And I'm proud of you for acknowledging that. It shows how mature you are. So keep doing what you're doing and don't feel guilty for a second. You are just as important and valuable okay?! It's not your job to support everyone ❤   As for your hospital memories. Thanks for sharing those. I think it's great you feel comfortable sharing them. You are NOT a coward!!! And I'm so grateful you didn't follow through because I would have never met you otherwise!! So thanks for having me in mind 😉 lol Is there something that's triggered you to think about those difficult times? I can't imagine they'd be easy memories to sift through but I think it does show just how resilient, brave and strong you are! You hit rock bottom and you're still here soldiering on!! And you should be proud of yourself for that. The hospital stay is in the past and that's where it shall stay. You've been working hard with your treating team and CM and I think that's where you should focus your throughts - on how far you've come okay?    Are you feeling okay tonight?  ... View more

Is it strange if I say I love you @Lost_Space_Explorer5? Lol Like in a joking way obviously! Idk, you just always crack me up and I can totally hear myself saying the exact same shit (probs even word for word) to you 😂   Can totally see you cracking that brain joke, my god lol    You know I'd tell you good things, but that's totally not allowed when it comes to yourself. It's in the handbook of hating yourself. You can't say nice shit, gees. I'll be struck down if I be nice to myself 🤣   OMG DON'T PUT THAT IN MY HEAD!! JESUS GIRL!!! I'm gonna be totally overthinking her every move now ahahaha    Lady... I think an email is safer lol Plus I don't wanna write her an essay and make her be even more sick of me 😔 Idk. I just feel like a total waste of space and don't wanna give her more reasons to believe it. And I can't physically talk to her about it cause I hate telling her when she upsets me cause it's not her fault, it's mine.   You're sounding like my back up psych now, telling me I shouldn't be taking a break if it's cause of my psychs feelings lol But I think that knowing I've left her alone for a while and given her a break from me might help. Maybe. Idk. I guess I kinda am putting up the barriers to not get hurt but I know I can't go down that path again and after this morning and thinking about it I just don't know I'm cut out for the whole therapy thing. Like I'm far too attached now, I'm going to be a mess if I actually do open up to her. So it's just easier this way. As much as I don't want too obviously. Idk, maybe taking a break will clear my head with it all?    It's okay, I know your heart is in the right place and I know I'd be doing the same to you lol Sometimes a push is good which I think we both know, and I think we both accept when not to push too. So it's all good! ❤   Thank you so much for your advice and input @TOM-RO l really appreciate it! 😊 I did kinda feel like she wasn't listening to me now that you say it.. like she was suggesting for me to reach out to other people like my parents and new work mates etc. too which I had already tried and it didn't work which is why I wanted to talk to her. Idk. I get where she is coming from and that she isn't always going to be available, especially when it's just for things like the housemate disagreement but I just feel shit about it and like she is trying to gently say not to contact her anymore. Idk.    Right now I'm 100% set on taking a break. But I'll take your advice and re-evaluate in a couple days. I've been thinking about it for a while though and feel like today was just the confirmation I needed.    I was starting to feel really comfortable with her but now I'm not so sure. I just feel like she wants me gone.    ... View more

And we just did it again!! 🤣 Look at us go lol    Yeah, I really feel for her! It's her first ever semester though and I feel like they always make first year difficult so the ones who don't actually want to be there drop out.. plus with COVID and shit. I think she did amazing passing 3!! Besides, who the hell passes chemistry these days?!?!? 🤣 NOT ME. ... View more

That's freaky!! We were jyst replying on here at the same time 🤣     ... View more

How was bubble tea!?!?!?    Also.. if I don't reply tonight it's not cause I'm ignoring you, we just checked our uni results and my nice housemate failed a subject so I'm gonna shout her pizza and ice cream to try cheer her up a little!! So I might not be on here too much!!  ... View more

You have a tone down button!?!?!?! SINCE WHEN!?!?!?!! @Lost_Space_Explorer5 🤣🤣🤣 ... View more

Bloody @Lost_Space_Explorer5 always jumping in and beating me to it! 🤣  But yes, that was my master plan @HelloHi! To get you meeting some cool and friendly people through our thread.. just beware of @Lost_Space_Explorer5, she doesn't quite fit the criteria.. she would be more whacky and silly 😉🤣 (we like to joke btw so please don't ever take what we are saying to eachother seriously cause we tend to pay out on eachother). But I think jumping on the thread and joining in on the fun might be a great way for you to start getting to know some of us!    And of course, feel free to message on here or tag me in any of your forums if you're ever needing someone to chat too! Especially about lonliness, cause I can 200% relate!!    P.S. please don't upstage my creative stick figure master pieces like @Lost_Space_Explorer5  always does! We might have to have you removed from the game otherwise.. lol @Lost_Space_Explorer5 is on thin ice atm.. 🤣🤣   I'm also glad you feel safe on here knowing no one knows you. So feel free to let it all out whenever needed! We've got your back ❤ ... View more

It's okay @Bananatime04. Thankyou for editing it, I do appreciate it! I can tell it's something you'd like to talk about though so please feel free to tag me in a seperate thread to this one if you'd like to chat. I'm about to sign off for a bit (I have some packing to do!) But I'll be back on later if you need someone to talk some of this through with so feel free to tag me!    I'm going to leave you with our next crazy question... lol You can answer all of them, one of them or none of them - totally up to you! And also feel free to ask some of your own so we can all get to know eachother a bit better! 😊   1) Favourite movie 2) Favourite book 3) Least favourite subject in school     ... View more

Ah okay, I'm sorry to hear that! I didn't realise food was a trigger so I do apologise @Bananatime04.    And as for the last part of your message.. we created this thread so we could all chat without triggers remember and weren't going to mention her name or talk about her here. So, how about you and I continue this part of the conversation else where so we are respecting Losts wishes too? Do you want to maybe tag me in one of your threads? Cause I'm more than happy to try help out and talk about her, just not on here okay?  ... View more

She totally is awesome and so supportive which I love! She's only just turned 18 but is so mature and grown up it's crazy!! Unlike the other one 🤣 And yeah, I'll be driving 4hrs on my own but I'll make sure I have a couple breaks so I don't completely wear myself out lol    I'm not a huge fan of milk so would totally go the fruity ones! If you haven't already gone, take a pic of the one you get for me so I can see! (If you want to of course lol)    I'm gonna sign off for a bit and get packing but will jump back on later for a bit!! Enjoy the bubble tea and your friends company! 😊😊😊 ... View more

Wowza! That got dark pretty quickly lol Surely there is somewhere you'd like to tick off your list before you die @Bananatime04? Maybe think of when you were a child, did you ever watch any movies and just be like 'I want to go there one day!'? I mean cemeteries are cool too and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your answer, your reasoning just worries me. Have you ever gone for a walk through a cemetery? Idk about you but in a strange way it kind of fills me with gratitude and makes me realise how lucky I actually am to be alive? There's been so many times I've thought about and come close to ending things but when I look at someones headstone and think about their poor families it just gives me the boost I need in a weird way? Idk how to put it into words! I also have to be in an open mindset and decent headspace to see it that way..    So, instead of that question, what would be your favourite type of non-Aussie food?! I love food so could happily talk about it all day!! 😂   @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Yummmm.. I don't think you can ever go wrong with Italian!!   Such a gorgeous picture @Sophia-RO , thanks for sharing!! 😍 I never really had Japan on my list but the more I hear and learn about it, the more I want to go!!    ... View more

I think this is great! No grief talk, just other crazy chit chat which I'm excited to see what we all come up with and where it takes us 🤣    Your bloody cat sounds like he is in the walls wayyyy too much hahaha At least he keeps you on your toes! Lol    Hmm... I'm gonna start the thread off with a random question from those silly question things we were doing originally except I think I might just ask this from the top of my head cause we know how much I LOVE travel lol    So guys.. @Lost_Space_Explorer5  @Bananatime04 & @Tiny_leaf if you could travel to any place in the world, where would you go and why? And also.. what is your favourite non-Australian food?!  ... View more

Aww that sounds so lovely!!! 😊 You know what, I've never actually tried bubble tea! Everyone always raves about it but I've never tried it myself.. whats your favourite one? Cause they come in flavours don't they?    So.. camping ahaha My plans slightly changed! Turns out my new house mate and I are going to meet our real estate this arvo to try and sort this nonsense out! So I will be driving up tomorrow morning instead. And I'll be driving on my own 😊 So driving up to my grandparents and then I think we'll stay at their place a couple nights then to camping later in the week!!  ... View more

You're not wrong, it's certainly exhausting! I did try to bring it up with her but I couldn't work out how to and by then I just had it in my head she hates me and is sick of me and doesn't want to talk to me anymore anyway so I didn't bother. I think I'm pretty set on canceling next week. So if I do I might just briefly mention why in my email. I don't want to make her feel bad though cause it's not her fault I feel this way. Idk. It's just fucked and I'm so over it.    I do feel less alone though knowing that you'd also be feeling rejected and unwanted. I'm glad you understand!    Thanks for sharing that about your CM. I completely understand they are trying to balance it and I know my psych has the goal of me becomming independent sooner rather than later but idk, sometimes I just feel like she pushes me too much cause she thinks I'm more capable then I am? And then I feel like I have to be capable and am left feeling shit when I'm not? Idk. It's weird. I think taking a break might be best tbh. As much as I don't want to and am scared about it, I think maybe creating some distance might stop me from relying on her so much? Idk. Part of me thinks I should just give up with it completely but then I also know things aren't going to ever get better if I keep running away from them. I'm just upset because I was so ready to start doing the trauma therapy with her and open up completely and after today I don't want to because I feel like she doesn't care about me and I'm not opening up to someone who is just going to leave anyway. Ugh. I wish I could have a brain transplant and be given a normal one with normal thoughts!!!  ... View more

I think it's great you created that new thread, and is so mature ❤   How are you feeling about it all now? And havd you got any exciting plans for today? ... View more

Hahaha we'll see 🤣   I just have to build up the confidence and motivation to apply first!  ... View more

Ahahaha unfortunately yes.. 🤣 As you know I don't do well with conflict and disagreements so am always the one keeping peace lol    I think you should be proud of yourself @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I know it wouldn't have been easy because I know you don't like to upset others, but I think it does show your maturity that you are able to be honest with @Bananatime04 and how you're feeling. There is no need to feel guilty for your decision, so please don't okay?    And same with you @Bananatime04, this is NOT @Lost_Space_Explorer5 cutting you out. She is just realising what is triggering her and trying to resolve it. I think it will do you both a world of good honestly to start a new hang out thread where you can talk about anything and everything except for Macy! Might start some crazy new conversations! I think it's very important though @Bananatime04 that you don't feel alone in this or 'rejected'. We are all still here for you, and by we I mean all the other RO users! We DO care about you and we DO want to help you through this okay? I personally want to see you both get through this, grief is not an easy thing to deal with so while you're trying to muddle your ways through it, seeking support from other users who don't have that raw connection to Macy might be best.    The community is here to support you both ❤ ... View more

Hey @Bananatime04, I wasn't saying you have to, it was just a suggestion from a different perspective that I think might help for a bit till you're both less vulnerable with the issue.. but it has to be up to the two of you and I think you need to talk about it together and come up with some sort of resolution together cause I don't want either of you being triggered and wanting to leave RO. I hope that kinda makes sense?    Maybe @Janine-RO can offer some advice? I know she's awesome with it!! And being a manager she'll be more equip with advice than little old me 🤣 ... View more

As an outsider, I think it's a great idea you both try and put last night behind you @Lost_Space_Explorer5 & @Bananatime04. It's always so hard when emotions are high and grief is certainly something that heightens emotions!! Everyone deals with it in their own way too, no one really knows how to deal with it and no one really deals with it the same. So it's important we respect eachothers processes and don't try to force our own onto others. Not saying you guys have, but just in general! (Only talking from past experiences).    It's up to you both obviously but I do think it might be a good idea that you stay off eachothers forums for a bit and leave other community members to support you both. I just think you're triggering eachother a bit too much atm and nothing will stop the triggers. A trigger is a trigger and until we learn coping strategies to deal with it then it will always be a trigger. I hope that makes sense? It's totally up to you both, but maybe you each have your own threads about Macy and you deal with it seperately? And then you could maybe chat with eachother through our alphabet game or something? That way you still get to keep in contact, but you take a break from the hard stuff and reduce the triggers? Idk, just a suggestion 😊   Whatever you decide, neither of you should have to leave the fourms, that's just silly and I think you both know it! Sometimes we just have to create boundaries that's all, and we shouldn't feel guilty for doing it!! I've had to do the same of it helps.. sometimes we just have to put ourselves first and do what is going to help us. Hope I don't upset either of you with this but I just thought it might help with an outsiders perspective 😊 ... View more

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 I feel like you might be able to relate to this, idk? I think it's my attachment coming out but if anyone can shed some light that would be great cause I really don't wanna go downhill again!!!    I just had my psych appointment and we talked about the housemate situation for a bit and then she asked me what I would have done if I couldn't have talked to her the other day. I know it's probably stupid but I immediately felt like she was sick of me and annoyed I had asked her to call me. She suggested I google legal agencies next time and try calling them for assistance. Like I get she couldn't give me much advice but for some reason I really just felt like I needed to talk to her. Idk. I just feel like absolute shit now and like she hates me and is sick of me. I may have teared up when we hung up cause I just feel like a waste of time. I shouldn't have got her to call me. I know she probably didn't mean it like that but it's how I feel. I don't even want to talk to her now and think I'm going to cancel our appointment next week so I'm not wasting her time anymore. I just feel like shit. I feel upset but I also feel angry at myself. I need to stop relying on her and the best way to do that is to stop talking to her. But I'm scared to cut her out. But I know I have to do it. Ugh, idk. I just fucking hate myself. 😔 ... View more

Gees you crack me up @Lost_Space_Explorer5 🤣   I'm glad to hear you're going to try not to trigger yourself for the time being though, I think that'll help. You don't have to completely forget her though and shut it off. In fact I completely reccommend NOT doing this! I never dealt with my grief and here I am 10yrs on... Honestly, if you're not already, PLEASE chat to your psych about how you're feeling. And even the new counsellor if you feel comfortable. I think it's important you learn to deal with it. Cause I just burried my head in the sand and trust me, it's the absolute worst thing you can do. It'll come back to bite you in the ass big time. So please speak out to them and get the support you deserve 💜    Honestly, I can relate!! And I sometimes think that being stuck with those thoughts is so much worse than actually just ending it. It's so much more painful. But it just goes to show how caring and strong and brave you are!! I'm 100% hearing you with this. And I'm sorry. But I'm so proud of you for becomming rational and pushing through. You are stronger than those dumbass thoughts and I know there will come a day when you finally feel free of them!!! Maybe not completely free, but so much freer than you do now! We have to live in hope it won't be like this forever. With the support I know you can beat this! 💜   I'm happy to hear you trust your new counsellor and I think it's important you do bring it up with her! I think it'll only build that trust and relationship so much more!!   And yes, it's the camping trip! I won't be camping the entire time for the 2wks but where I'm going doesn't have the greatest reception. I'll try my best to check in as much as I can though!    Anyway, I should probably be getting some sleep cause I have a 4hr drive tomorrow and don't wanna be too tired for it!! We'll chat tomorrow cause I should still have reception!    Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for missing her. It's only natural 💜 ... View more

I didn't mean it like that at all @Bananatime04!!! Sorry if that's how it came across 😔 I think it's a tough one because you're both dealing with the same thing and you're both going to be dealing with it in your own ways and are probably going to both be triggering eachother!! I was just trying to say to @Lost_Space_Explorer5 that she should maybe take a break from your thread if she's finding it triggering. And I'd suggest the exact same to you!! But it would be up to the both of you how you decide to go about this. I just think if things are triggering and we're already feeling really down and vulnerable then it's probably best to take a break and avoid what we find triggering..  ... View more