I'm sorry you've had such a shit run with mental health professionals @Eden1717. it definitely wouldn't be an easy thing to experience over and over again and it frustrates me so much to hear you've been through all of that and still haven't found anyone decent. I really do hope that one day you find the right fit for you because you deserve to have someone on your side you can truly trust to help you get through this ❤    You shouldn't feel guilty for putting your family through anything. That's what families are for, they're meant to be a support system so don't be feeling guilty for a second! I know it's easier said than done, but I'm sure they want to help see you through this shitty time.    You sound like you have a lot of strength within you though. And like I've noticed others mentioning, you are always giving out great advice to people in this community and willing to help despite what you're going through at the moment so I think you should be very proud of yourself!! Don't forget to focus on the positives too and your strong points because these bull shit voices do not define you. ❤   I hope calling them that doesn't offend you? Please let me know if it does!! I just call mine shitty names like that to take away their power, or at least try to take it away..    Hope you've been able to do something nice for yourself today!!  ... View more

I'm with @Claire-RO on this one @Bee - the colouring looks awesome and I bet it was a nice way to relax and take some time out!    I also LOVE what your mum said to you - she sounds really supportive! And I think it's even greater that you are able to recognize how much more important your health is and to allow yourself to take the time off, even if you felt a little guilty about it in the first place. You've got some great strength within you - don't ever lose that!! You're certainly a fighter ❤ ... View more

Thanks @Bee ! It definitely felt nice - I forgot how calming it can be to do something as simple as painting your nails! And how it can give you a little self-esteem boost, it was a lovely feeling that's for sure 😊   Umm.. I was using the other reply? I couldn't get your name to come up on it at all for some reason lol I'm also the WORST when it comes to technology so probably managed to stuff something up 🤦‍♀️ Can you normally tag someone in a post even if they haven't joined that chat themselves?   Please don't judge me.. but what is troubleshooting? I've defs heard the word before but wouldn't have a clue what it is! 😂 ... View more

Oh god, sorry that's so long @Bee !! I have a bad habit of rambling when things are written 😔 That's one thing I've told myself, is that if I'm gonna write things out for my psychologist I need to try and keep them short cause she's not going to want to read a damn novel!!😂 ... View more

It's such an amazing feeling hey @Bee ? Realising that you've finally found the right professional supports 😊 I've just gotta talk myself through the fear of letting her in and then hopefully things will really start to change. She's talked about wanting to work with me next year on some of the traumas she thinks I've experienced and that kinda freaks me out BIG TIME!!! It's like she already knows me, yet I've barely told her anything?! I did manage to give her a list a few weeks back of things I want to work on but idk, I didn't think any of it was 'traumatic'. Like people have definitely been through a lot worse than me that's for sure!!! And I do try my best to talk to her about the fears I have with brining shit up but it's so hard. I often get some words or sentences out and then she finishes them off for me or gives me options to choose from about how I might be feeling because I often can't think clearly or put things into words. Which is why I'm going to try my best to use your writing technique and give it to her first thing at our last session on Wednesday! So I'll definitely let you know how it goes - thanks heaps for caring ❤   I'm glad it made you smile because it's the truth and I just want you to know how much your support and messages mean to me. They encourage me to see things differently so thankyou 😊   Those tangles look really cool!! Where did you get them from? I often wear a ring so either play with that or occasionally snap the elastic on my wrist but also feel weird doing that in front of her. I was doing it the other day without even realising until I realised she looked down at my hands quickly before asking me what had me so on edge. It's so annoying and I just want to feel calm while I'm talking to her but sometimes it's just so hard!!!   Do you ever find yourself zoning out during sessions? Like, your psychologist might be talking and you're listening but nothing is going in? Like you're looking at her and her mouth is moving and she has your attention but you can't focus or take anything in that she's saying? And then when she asks you a question it's like you don't understand what she's asking? Even if it's such a simple question? It happens to me all the time and I'm just wondering if you've had a similar experience? Cause I don't want to come across as rude and have her think I'm not listening or I don't care because I really do, it's just like my brain is mush and I'm not in my body?    I'm so glad to hear you were able to break down that barrier, I bet it felt amazing being able to trust yourself to be vulnerable and speak out about the tough shit. That's so brave of you and truly inspires me to want to be able to do the same!! You really seem like you know what you're talking about and that you have some great techniques in place. I'm sure it's been a long and hard journey but you should be so proud of yourself because I can definitely tell you've got the strength and determination within you!! 💪 ... View more

Thanks @Claire-RO - it has a lot to do with talking to people on this forum so I'm so thankful it exists. It's just nice to be able to talk to people about things and receive their support cause trying to open up and trust people has never been a strong point for me but I'm slowly learning my psychologist is there to help and it's all thanks to this community of amazing people 😊 ... View more

Thanks @Bee ❤ I'm hoping so!! It's been half a year but I feel like I'm FINALLY starting to feel alot more comfortable with her and trust she isn't going to abandon me. Like I do feel safe talking to her and know she is the right person for me 100% but my biggest fear is her not wanting to work with me anymore. But I feel like we are finally making progress with it and that once I'm convinced she is willing to see me till the end I'll open up and let her in and everything will just flow from there... hopefully!! 🤞   It was definitely frustrating not being able to find the courage to bring it up again and give her the letter because I did want to give it to her. So I'm going to take your advice on board and bring it up right at the beginning and hand it to her first thing so I don't have to worry about trying to bring it up while talking about other shit.    You seriously are full of the best advice!! 😍 I always love receiving your replies because you just seem to know what to say and how to relate! I hadn't really thought about the whole eye contact or nervousness during sessions before.. I know I can't look her in the eye when she brings up serious stuff. If it's general talk I'm often fine but if it's about me and something personal I can never seem to look at her. But I have noticed I'm starting to fidget a little less and feel a bit calmer and hadn't really thought of that as making progress before so thanks for that - it's a nice way to look at it. That despite having panic attacks and shit still (often before seeing her), I'm starting to be able to keep myself relatively calm during sessions where I used to be so tense and not be able to sit still. So that advice definitely helps!!! I've been feeling pretty shitty and like we aren't really getting anywhere cause I'm struggling to open up, but hearing your advice and relating it to my situation now makes me feel like I am making progress, even if it is only a little..  ... View more

Thanks @Eden1717 ❤ I have my last session on Wednesday for the year so will try my best to be a bit more direct with it and hopefully get some stuff out 🤞 ... View more

Thanks @Bee! I've stuck it in my folder with all the 'homework' stuff my psych gives me so now I've got something to refer to when I'm stressed or upset and can just pick something to do from the list 😊   I just tried to tag you in my comment on a post but couldn't work out how cause I'm not sure you're part of the thread?   Just thought I'd share with you that I practiced self-care today by painting my toe nails, doing a face mask, cleaning my room, calling my mum and going to the movies/dinner with a couple of my workmates. All because your posts inspired and reminded me of how important it actually is so thankyou!! ❤   I'm exhausted now but it was definitely worth it!!!  ... View more

Today I practiced self-care by painting my toe nails, doing a face mask, cleaning my room, calling my mum and going to the movies/dinner with a couple of my workmates.    I've been struggling alot lately and haven't practiced self-care in a few months or connected much with anyone but after reading some of the posts on RO I was inspired and reminded of just how important self-care really is so put the day aside for it and am so glad I did 😊   ... View more

This is absolutely awesome @Bee !!! Especially for someone like me who is still fairly new to the community, it just makes it easier to find things! I was pretty overwhelmed at first (and still kinda am) at how and where to connect with people because I don't want to keep creating different posts for all the different shit running through my head that I want to talk to someone about but this definitely helps so thankyou!!!  I think what you do on here is amazing so keep it up because it's definitely supporting alot of people for different reasons! ❤ ... View more

Thanks heaps for sharing this @Bee ❤   I came across it the other day when I was feeling really down and needing help and this was a great reminder of how important self care actually is. I haven't had much time to myself lately with uni exams and work but have finally got a day off today and have just put together a list that works for me in the hope I can just turn to it and pick something off the list to do when I'm feeling really low.    Thanks for the little reminder! My psychologist has been going onto me about how I need to practice some self care but reading your post has somehow reinforced what she's been trying to get me to understand so thanks 😊❤ ... View more

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment @Tiny_leaf.. I can definitely relate so understand how distressing it can be!!   It sounds like there is alot going on for you at the moment and starting to touch on trauma is not an easy thing to cope with. Especially when you start to realise just how traumatic the event has been and how much it has impacted on you without even realising. It can be really hard to sit with and with all the other daily and personal stresses going on at the same time it becomes far too overwhelming to deal with. Have you got some supports in place? I know my psychologist is being extremely strict with me at the moment and refusing to being up my traumas until she knows we can do it safely and knows I have supports. So if you don't have them yet, maybe you could start working on building those while you wait to see a psychologist? And by building them I mean like opening up to some friends and family and just letting them know you are struggling and going to seek professional help but that you may also need their support too? Another thing my psychologist is strict on having in place first is grounding strategies so that when things do get too overwhelming and I'm about to lose it I can try practising these to calm me down and bring me back to the present. Have you heard of grounding strategies before?   Will this be your first time seeing a psychologist? Or have you seen one before? I think it's awesome that you're going to see one, it takes real courage to make the first appointment so be proud of that!!! ❤ ... View more

I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling to trust people after seeing so many different health professionals @Eden1717. I can't even imagine how difficult that would be!! I trialled one at first and we didn't fit at all and I remember how much it hurt and turned me off the idea. I didn't go back for months, cause like you I have serious trust issues. I refused and thought I was strong enough to deal with shit on my own. But I eventually realised I really wasn't when I was breaking down every two seconds or getting so angry for no reason and the voices in my head were taking over. It was hard to accept that I needed the help (and still is) and it wasn't till someone at uni who I'd only met once suggested I try see a psychologist again and booked me in. And I'm so glad I did. It was hard as shit and I still struggle every session and can't seem to trust her fully yet or open up but I know I need it and that very slowly it is helping. I think the biggest thing for me was accepting that I need help to get through this and realizing I can't keep shutting people out, no matter how much I want too. If I want to get better, and I mean truly get better, I needed to learn to trust someone and let them in. I know it's not easy, trust me, I'm totally there with you on the trust issues!! But I promise that once you do find that one person you will start to notice small changes which will help motivate you even more to beat this and tell those scary voices to fuck right off because they don't own you!!!! It might feel like they do right now, but I promise that once you learn to accept the help and trust people things start to change. It's one hell of a challenge but I feel like you have it in you to do it!!! You're posting on here so that has to mean you really do want the help and want to get better right? Have you ever made a list of reasons why you want to get better? Like I made one  while back and it kind of helps motivate me sometimes? It doesn't always work but some days it does. Maybe you could try that? It just made me think about whether I was serious about beating this or if I just wanted to keep living the way I have been. I decided I didn't.    I'm glad to hear you have a good relationship with your family but also sad to hear they haven't been much of a support to you. I think you should be so proud of yourself for sharing some of this with your family!! Am am yet to share anything with mine so absolutely admire you for doing so and think you should be proud of yourself because I know how much courage that takes!! And I can also imagine how upsetting it would be for them to not react the way you expected. Did you think they would be more supportive? Just wondering if you've ever written them a letter? You said talking about it makes them uncomfortable so why don't you try writing everything down for them so they know how it feels for you but also mentioning in the letter how much you need and would appreciate their support with your recovery? Maybe make some suggestions on what you would like their support to look like so they have a clear understanding? Because they may really be wanting to help but just not knowing what to do which could also be causing them alot of grief? If I've learnt anything with my two best friends it's that I need to be clear with them when things aren't okay and what I need them to do to help me through it. Because mental health is not just difficult for us experiencing it, but also those trying to help because we can be so fragile. If you trust your family and can get them to understand you could even ask them to go to a psychologist session with you? That way they can even do some of the talking to start with and step in when it's becoming too much for you?    Sorry, I know this is super long.. I tend to ramble 😔 But i just want to try and help and would really like to hear you've opened up and learnt to let someone in because I've learnt first hand how different it feels. Uncomfortable and scary as shit, but also nice at the same time - only if it's with the right person of course!! I hope some of this kind of makes sense and helps ❤  ... View more

Hey @Eden1717 sorry I'm not on here as much, work has been kinda crazy at the moment and when I'm not at work I'm exhausted which messes up my moods and keeps me in bed all day feeling shitty and sleepy.. you get the picture!    If you don't mind me asking, how many psychologists have you seen in the past? And have they been male or female or a bit of a mix?   Also, just wondering what your relationship is like with your parents/guardians? Or siblings if you have any? I know it can be hard to talk to family members (none of mine know about any of my shit yet) but if you're living with them I'm wondering if they have earnt your trust?  ... View more

It really does @Bre-RO so thankyou ❤   I was feeling so nervous I felt sick in the stomach and couldn't stop shaking but I forced myself through it and went and am so glad I did!!    It was meant to be our last session today for the year cause she's finishing up but she has decided she wants to see me next week as well which was just such a relief to hear her say. It made me feel like she does care and that she did take it seriously when I said I wanted to see her twice this week before she finishes and I go home. She told me today that she is actually in next week but just doing admin but is happy to see me which I am so grateful for. I feel even worse now for being upset with her about it all but it's made me realise she really does care and I can trust she knows what she's doing which is nice.  ... View more

Thanks @WheresMySquishy  - I really appreciate your thoughts on this!! 😊   My psychologist was away a couple weeks ago so I saw a different one that sees me when mine isn't in. I asked her what her thoughts were and she said the same sort of thing as you and suggested that my psychologist would be happy with a card. I'm one of those people that feels really weird just giving a card though so I went and bought chocolates this morning to go with it and hoping she'll accept them and if not, I hope she'll just share them round like you mentioned cause I certainly don't need a box of chocolates 😂   I also bought some for the guy that works on the desk cause he's helped me out a bit when things have been bad and I just wanted to thank him and let him know I appreciate it. Is that weird and overboard do you think? Or is it okay? Idk.. it took me an hour thismorning to pick them chocolates and a card because I was freaking the hell out about it all 😔 ... View more

Don't be sorry @Eden1717  I can tell you are scared and unsure of what to believe or think, and rightfully so. Thoughts like that would be so confusing and distressing!! I'm glad you at least feel comfortable expressing some of it on here so you're not completely alone ❤   When you say you think they are trying to 'keep you here' what do you mean by that? It sounds like there is something bigger that you may fear and that these thoughts are getting in the way of you dealing with that fear and seeking the appropriate help to overcome it? I don't know. I am in no way an expert or have knowledge on what to do but I'm happy to listen and try give suggestions.    I was also wondering, and this is personal so don't answer if you don't feel comfortable, but are you on any medications at the moment? The thoughts could even be a result of something like that? I know I was pretty paranoid about things when I got on medication and had similar kind of thoughts? They weren't as full on but they definitely had me freaking out alot more than normal and alot were to do around the topic of trust for me.    How are you feeling today with it all?  ... View more

Thanks heaps for your reply @Bre-RO ❤   I have been working heaps the past few days so haven't been on here as much and when I have been I've been trying to help others instead as a nice distraction from my own shit. I'm also happy I'm on here because it really is a great support and just so nice to be part of a community that understands and cares!!   It did help hearing how you feel when you want to help others more but can't because of job restrictions etc. And I totally get that because I'd be the same. And I feel terrible that it's upsetting me so much because it's like I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but it is? I don't know. I can't work out why it's upset me so much and I really wish it wasn't!!! For some stupid reason I feel really weird about going to see her tomorrow and am thinking of calling to cancel. Normally I look forward to our sessions but the last few days I've been feeling really weird about it and not wanting to go anymore.  ... View more

I can totally relate to you wanting some stability @Kingfisher because it is EXTREMELY frustrating going from one mood to the next, and more often than not it's for no damn reason - it just happens!!!    Like @xXLexi_Lou122Xx said, dealing with mental health takes time and I know it's hard to accept because I'm still struggling with this myself atm, but I think that as soon as we realise and accept that, we will be able to stop being so hard on ourselves. Or at least that's what I hope!!    Have you thought much about what could be triggering it? Like sometimes there are triggers so I defs suggest taking note of these and avoiding them. But like I said before, for me alot of the time it just changes for no reason and that's where I agree with @xXLexi_Lou122Xx that self care can really help! I struggle to practice self care a lot, ESPECIALLY when I'm feeling so low but if you can manage to push through the shittiness and do something nice for yourself it'll help boost your mood, even if it is just a little ❤ ... View more

Sorry @Kingfisher, I just re-read one of your messages and wanted to note something else that stood out for me!   When you said "I see I psychologist and everything and it seems like when I feel like I'm starting to understand myself a bit my mood completely shifts." I just wanted to share with you something my psychologist is forever reminding me and trying to drill into my head and it's that therapy is not a linear process. I don't know about you but I'm extremely hard on myself and a bit of a perfectionist and so I am constantly thinking that shit should be 'fixed' by now when the truth is it's bloody far from it!! Like you, I often feel as though I'm starting to understand myself a bit better or making progress and then it's like someone completely rips the carpet out from under me. And that's why it's important to remind yourself it's not a linear process and there are going to be set backs but eventually, with the right therapy, support systems and possibly medications, you'll get there. And until then, I'm here to listen ❤ ... View more

I think it's awesome you've chosen to reach out on here @Kingfisher because this is definitely a platform where you can speak freely and not feel judged about anything! I'm fairly new myself and have found it to be nothing but helpful because most people can relate and it's just so nice to hear others stories and advice. I just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone in those crazy ups and downs!!! I experience it all the time and my god is it exhausting!!!    I totally get what you mean when you say it's scary and you feel like you have different personalities because that is EXACTLY what it feels like! One moment you're this happy person who seems to be content and enjoying life and then the next you can't feel anything and it's like happiness doesn't even exist am I right?    I can also relate with and sense the hurt you're feeling that no one has answered your calls? I know for me this makes me feel super alone and worthless and just feeds my negative thoughts about myself. I think it's awesome that you made the calls in the first place and you should be proud of yourself for that. And it's also great to hear you reached out to Beyond Blue. Like @xXLexi_Lou122Xx I haven't found helplines to be very helpful for me personally but that's more because I'm not good at expressing how I feel physically, I'm more of a writer (which someone from this forum has made me realise). So don't be upset if you find they aren't as helpful as you'd hoped, there are always others willing to listen and I think you've really come to the right place!    As @xXLexi_Lou122Xx  mentioned, we are here to listen and will do whatever we can to help ❤    I'm just wondering if you've spoken to your psychologist about any of these feelings? And whether or not you guys have got some sort of plan in place for when the lows do really kick in?  ... View more

Hey @Eden1717 ❤ I can't even imagine what that must be feeling like for you, it's sounds pretty full on!! Thoughts, unless they are positive ones, SUCK!! And I'm sorry to hear yours are so scary at the moment. It almost sounds like they have you feeling paranoid that something bad is going to happen or someone is going to hurt you?    I think I remember you mentioning on one of my posts that you struggle to open up and trust psychologists because you feel like they are going to harm you? Is that correct? I'm just wondering if you have anyone around you, maybe a good friend, family member, teacher even? That you might feel comfortable sharing some of this with?    I'd just hate to think you're alone with this going on for you because I know how scary thoughts can be because I've had some along the same sort of lines before. I think it's really important for you to try and find it in yourself to trust someone, it just has to be one person. But I think that being able to voice how you're feeling (and you only tell the person what you're comfortable with) will really help!!!! I know it's not easy, and especially when you're having those sorts of thoughts which are all mostly based around trust but I promise it'll do you a world of good to have someone to confide in face to face. Or even if you wrote a letter to a friend or family member explaining some of your thoughts? Just so they know what's going on for you and can help you seek the best care? I really wish I could help in some way!!! Are there times when you notice the thoughts get louder? Like any particular things/situations that you feel trigger it? ... View more

Thanks @Eden1717 😊 I'm not very good at being direct but I know I need to try something because at the moment I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I did have something written out the other day to explain how I'm really struggling to tell her shit but obviously wasn't direct enough with her about it because she didn't ask to see it and then I felt stupid about wanting to bring it up again and give it to her..  ... View more

It's lovely to hear from you @scared01 😊 But please don't be sorry!! I get that everyone is busy and has their own shit going on!! I hope you're doing okay and I'm also here if you ever need someone to talk too ❤   I'm pretty up and down at the moment. Trying to push through shit and look at things more positively but holey shit it's hard when you're feeling so down and alone hey?! I've picked up a heap of shifts at work which I'm using as a nice distraction at the moment and a reason to get out of the house otherwise I just spend most of my day in bed cause I'm too tired not too.  ... View more

Thanks for answering my questions @Bee ❤   It's awesome to hear you are able to be more vocal with your psychologist now - I think that's so brave and only hope that I have that kind of courage one day. I wrote something out for my last session but when it came to the session I felt silly and couldn't work up the courage to give it to her. She mentioned something which got me on the topic and I told her I'd written something out for her but she didn't take it right then and there so then I felt stupid and didn't know how to bring it up again and give it to her later.. do you have any suggestions on how I could bring it up with her? Like how did you let your therapist know you had stuff you wanted her to read? (I'm not sure email is an option for me.. I haven't actually asked but I just get the feeling it's not).    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, I really do appreciate ❤ It makes me feel less alone to know others have/are feeling the same way. It sucks, but at least we aren't the only ones going through it I guess. I also LOVE what your psych told you! She sounds amazing and really supportive of you which is awesome! Just wondering how you managed to get yourself to trust what she had said and that she can look after herself? Like I get their in that job for a reason but idk, I just constantly worry about how I'm gonna make my psych feel if I open up properly?  ... View more

Thanks @Andrea-RO, I really appreciate that you replied ❤   Funnily enough I actually love rock climbing! And bush walking, and just being outdoors in general. I've seen a group on FB that I'd really like to join (they go hiking every week) but I don't know how to get myself to go. I have really bad anxiety and freak out at the thought of going alone and don't have anyone here I could try and invite to go with me.. I feel like deep down I know it's not as terrifying as it seems but for some reason I just can't make it past the freak out stage. Do you have any advice on how I could build up the courage to actually go? Because I really do want too, I just get scared and then the negative thoughts take over and that's me done.    I totally get my therapist wasn't trying to hurt me, I know that and feel bad for it even upsetting me but I can't seem to help it for some reason. I think it's just because I've been struggling to only see her once a week at the moment and already felt really awkward and stupid for asking for two sessions so when she said no in a round about way it really upset me and made me feel like I wasn't worth it. I don't know, maybe I didn't communicate to her properly either at how much I feel like I need it. I'm pretty shitty at communicating. But I get it, and I understand I have to do a lot of the work on my own. It's just hard and I think because I'm feeling so alone at the moment I'm struggling even more and just hoped I could count on her. Idk.    Do you have any suggestions or ideas as to why I get so angry and upset when trying to ask for help?  ... View more

Thanks @Bre-RO - I'm glad you get it. It's not that I don't want the help because I do, and I know I need it, it's just a lot harder to physically reach out which is why I like this platform so much.    If you have some advice and are willing to share it I'm willing to listen. I've briefly mentioned to her in the past that I have suicidal and self harm thoughts and she gave me a sheet of things to try instead but unless she asks about it I can't seem to bring it up and even then I can't seem to tell her the actual thoughts I'm having or how often and bad it actually is. I did call her once when things were really bad but then I felt really stupid and like she thought I was just doing it for attention so now I don't bother telling her. If she asks I just tell her I'm fine because I feel stupid for having the thoughts in the first place.    As for family and friends, I'm always the one people come to for help and have never been the one seeking the help so they don't know anything. I have two friends who live overseas that know but they are the only two and we haven't been talking much lately because one is sitting exams and the other is working a lot so I don't want to burden them with my shit.    I just hate talking about myself and am so used to pretending to everyone that I'm fine that I'm not sure how to even bring up with them that I'm not? I know I'm my own worst enemy but I can't seem to help it.  ... View more

Thanks @Bre-RO. I've recently tried lifeline, the suicide call back and beyond blue but for some reason I found them difficult to talk too. It just makes me feel stupid and I don't know why. This is different because I feel like people actually get it and can relate? Idk. I've only tried the txt sort things with them all because I'm really scared to physically call them because I don't even know what to say to them? And I know it's stupid and I'm just being paranoid but I'm also worried they'll just show up at my house. Crazy right?! But it just freaks me out.    Also, I'm in my early 20's so not sure I can still use kids helpline? But thanks for the suggestion anyway!  ... View more