I liked him a lot. And the others too! Thankyou for always being amazing. I hope things start to get easier for you soon! If I'm not replying, please know I'm always thinking of you and Eden. Sometimes it's just too hard to communicate as you guys both know ❤ I'm sending you lots of sloth hugs and hoping you find it in yourself to appreciate what an INCREDIBLE and unique human you are!!! Seriously.  ... View more

Yeah I'm sorry. That's why I wanted to check in - to make sure you guys aren't worried and know I'm alive. Sorry! I'm not okay but I'll be fine. I have my first appointment back with my psych tomorrow. Probs a good thing today was a PH cause I've been wanting to cancel it but couldn't. I know I need it but I just don't have any interest in going back anymore. Feels like a complete waste of time when they just leave anyway. Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just angry and sad and sick of people leaving me and proving time and time again how pointless this all is. Just feeling like there is no point to therapy and quite frankly, no point to life. Thankyou for the messages though, you guys honestly make it worthwhile sticking around to fight. I'm really going to miss you all. SO MUCH!!!! Please don't worry about me though, I'm all good. Thanks again for checking in and I'm really sorry for not letting you know sooner. Just haven't been in a good place.  ... View more

I tried my best but sometimes it's just gotta be said.. lol I also LOVED your drunken swearing sloth so thanks! I'm sorry I worried you, that's why I thought I would jump on because I didn't want to be causing any additional stress for you or Eden so I'm really sorry. I just wasn't in a good way. I'm pretty exhausted so might check in again later if that's okay? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, always. ❤ ... View more

Hey @Eden1717, you probs saw on Losts thread that I don't have a whole lot in me atm I'm sorry. But I have just caught up on both your threads. I only read what you guys were commenting though, didn't both reading everyone else's cause I really don't have the energy so I'm sorry if I ask any of the same questions or repeat anything that's been said. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry things are so difficult at the moment. It sounds like having a visitor, although lovely, may also be causing a bit of added stress and anxiety? Are they around much longer? And when they aren't there are you completely alone? Or do you have housemates? I feel like you don't? But I'm not really with it atm sorry. Memory is shithouse! I'm really sorry they are back and you are feeling scared about someone stalking you. Do you feel any safe having a visitor staying with you? Who's staying with you btw? A cousin or aunty or someone? I hope you're able to get in some enjoyable times while they're there and ease your mind a little from everything!! I also just wanted to say.. you gave me a much needed smile when I read you'd watched Casper lol Proud! Maybe I should watch some too! Also.. you mentioned doing some cooking, what did you cook? (If it's too triggering atm please ignore that question!!). Anyway, I'm thinking of you. Really going to miss you and lost. Jumping back on here has just made me realise just how much.  ... View more

I'm sorry you're finding body image difficult atm @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I want to reply properly but I just don't have it in me atm I'm sorry. I do just want to say one quick thing though after catching up.. reading what I've missed made me tear up. I know it's pathetic and only been a few days but I've really missed you guys. Like a lot. And just reading this made me realise that. I'm so angry at myself for shutting you guys out and shutting myself off when I only have such limited time left on here but I can't help it atm. Things are just too much, as you can relate too! But yeah, I don't have much to offer atm I'm sorry, just wanted to say reading your comments @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @Eden1717 and @Bre-RO literally brought tears to my eyes. I really am going to miss you all so much. Hang in there @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I know how strong you are and who gives a flying duck (yes duck, cause I'm trying not to be naughty..) what you look like, I know for a fact you have one of the most pure and caring hearts and if people can't see that then they aren't worth a second of your time!! Besides, I totally know you're beautiful inside AND out anyway! Body image can go fuck itself!! Whoops.. I let it slip after all.. 🤣 But yeah. You're amazing so PLEASE don't think otherwise ❤ ... View more

Thanks guys. I'm really sorry. I'm just finding things a bit too hard atm and kinda gone into shut down mode. I appreciate the support though so thankyou. Just wanted to let you know not to worry about me! I'm fine and I'm sorry.  ... View more

Well I just tried calling my back up psych cause I've been feeling sick and scared all morning and turns out she's gone to another job so that's great. I just want to be alone. I feel so dead inside. What a way to not feel abandoned. I'm happy for her but wish someone had told me so I wouldn't find out like this. Now I'm just angry at my psych cause she would have known and I'm paranoid she's leaving too. I don't know why I bother believing people when they say they aren't going anywhere. It's always a load of shit. This is why I deal with things on my own, less pain and let down.  ... View more

Thanks for the support @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I did click onto the site earlier but it's a bit too much atm so I might come back to it at a later date, but thanks for sharing it.    I'm just feeling weird and kinda not sure what to do from here. I'm so used to dealing with stuff on my own and have managed to get this far but at the same time I know I don't deal with things the way I should but I just don't know how to deal with them. I know I need help, and things are just getting worse and if I don't start helping myself soon by taking up the offers and referrals I've had then it's only going to get a lot worse. I can feel it. It's like I'm losing my strength and will to fight. I just don't feel as in control anymore which is how I know and I feel like everyone around me is noticing. I really can't keep it together. Simple tasks are a challenge and ugh nevermind it's too hard to explain.    I know there is nothing wrong with seeking and needing help, heck if other people reach out I think they are so brave. But for some reason when it's me I just won't settle for it and I feel like such a failure. I would NEVER judge anyone about being mentally ill, EVER. And I get so fired up when people do and they don't take the time to understand. So I am not looking down on anyone and never would for it, but for some reason when it's me I just won't believe it? Ugh, I can't put it into words and I really hope I'm not upsetting anyone because I promise that's not my intention. And I don't think I'm better than anyone or anything but it's like I feel like it's okay for other people to have a mental illness but it's not okay for me?    I think I'm finding it a lot harder to sit with at the moment because I can feel how much it's getting worse and how much I do need help but can't ask for it. I'm just so glad you guys exist or else I'd be going completely crazy. Although I feel like I'm pretty well there atm.    I want to reach out for help but it's so hard and I feel like it just makes things worse and is easier to just keep things to myself because it saves all the stress and discomfort. Idk. I don't even know what I've just typed lol I just needed to let something out. Thankyou everyone for the support you've given me with everything in the past. This community means so much to me and I can't thank you all enough for giving me a reason to stay and fight. I think I just need some time away to try and get my head together because nothing is working. I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time because I know this isn't a big deal and there's people out there who are far worse off than me. I just need to work out how to pull my head in and get over it. The sooner, the better. I'm sorry for everything.  ... View more

Yeah I am @Taylor-RO, but I'm just trying to ignore it and keep myself busy. I don't even know if she has time to talk to me. I'd have to call tomorrow but I'm scared to so just trying to make do.   I'm pretty easy going with music. I'll listen to any thing but screamo heavy metal stuff lol What sort of music do you like? I was listening to some random chilled out playlist on spotify today it was called ever flow or something like that, was actually really good!  @Taylor-RO wrote: Hey @MB95, it sounds like you had a big decision on your hands. Sometimes it can be nice to have things work themselves out to the point where you only have one option left, especially when you are struggling to decide. Are you still feeling uneasy about contacting your backup psych? And when will you be able to chat to them? Listening to music and cleaning sounds like a good way to keep yourself busy. What type of music do you listen to?   ... View more

Aww that does sound nice!    I'm sorry everything is so much atm. Have you got much planned for tonight to try and make it a little easier?  ... View more

I didn't think they did, but I thought I'd ask to make sure!    I'm sorry the stuff with your parents it's getting worse. Do you think maybe the stress and emotion from that is triggering the eating issues a bit?    I'm so glad you caught up with your friend! What did you guys get up to? Anything exciting? Were you able to maybe talk to her about what's going on with your parents? Do you think she'd be able to help or at least be a good person to listen?  ... View more

Yeah thanks @Eden1717. I think I just need to get over it and deal with it myself. Sorry for making it sound like this big tough decision, I just get so paranoid and worked up. The only person available now is my back up psych anyway so that makes the decision easier now. My GP and psych don't work Thurs/Fri. I've been listening to music and cleaning all day to keep myself busy so we'll see what happens. Thanks for just listening and I'm sorry for over reacting I'm just a bit of a mess atm and not sure what to do.  ... View more

No I haven't @Hannah-RO. I don't really know how to ask one of them for help and keep getting angry at myself for being annoying and not able to do it on my own. I just feel like I'll be wasting their time and I know they're busy so I don't want to do that.  ... View more

Super cool!! How long have you been studying Japanese?    I'll have to dig out some of my Irish and German and forgot I did Indonesian in school for like 4yrs too!    Also, I LOVE Hawaiian pizza!! Who ever said pineapple doesn't belong on a pizza?! Totally does!!    Anyway.. what do the numbers look like in Japanese?  ... View more

That's so cool!! I learnt Indonesian for a while and it was the same how they put their words in different spots of the sentence to us. Interesting!    Do they ever write how you've written using our letters or is that purely so we can see how to say and pronounce their words? I think their letters are so cool!  ... View more

Thanks for sharing @Eden1717, I might give it a go one day, we'll see.  ... View more

Haha I won't go telling my grandad you called it trashy @Eden1717 he'll be devo lol But it is! Although I have to say I much prefer scripted drama than reality drama. Reality drama just scares me that there are actually people like that in the world 😂 I mean we're all different, but I can't do dramatic lol   Yeah.. I remember when they were trying to convince me to do it it was going to be at a private clinic and like I'd have to go in and stay for full days and stuff. Just quietly I kind of really want to do it cause it sounded like stuff I'd be able to do but I don't want anyone finding out I'm doing it so yeah I decided nope. Plus I was too scared to see the psychiatrist and have her tell me I needed it lol Stupid I know. But there's something about being told I need it that I don't like. Idk. Did you find you got stuff out of DBT? Cause it also wasn't cheap being private so I figured if CBT doesn't fix me then is DBT going to? Idk if I wanna pay so much money to not be fixed and have it not work?    Thanks. I don't know how to not think that she hates me and I'm wasting her time, so yeah it probably doesn't really matter what you say, I would still think it. But I appreciate you just listening. 💙    I think I want to talk to my back up psych. I just don't know how to without my psych finding out and wanting to call me instead. Like for some reason I don't feel as guilty calling my back up psych lol Maybe cause she only deals with me every now and again so I feel like she gets a decent break from me whereas my actual psych is forever putting up with me? Idk.  ... View more

Okay this is FREAKY!!!    I was legit just going to suggest this to you!!! Great minds think alike!! I'm so excited for this thread!! I learnt some Irish and German a while back.. will have to try remember it and share some phrases!! 😍   Now.. if I could write back in Japanese I would and I would say... 'I LOVE pizza, what kind of pizza did you have?' (There ya go @Eden1717.. Another one for you to switch into Japanese for me!)    That must be one of the hardest languages to learn, I mean look at those letters!!! 😲 ... View more

That's totally understandable @Eden1717. Sometimes news takes us a bit to adjust to so take your time! Just remember we are here if you do feel you want to talk about it.   Can I just point something out here, and I hope this doesn't freak you out or sound weird or anything, but I'm so proud of you right now and just think you're amazing! The way you just acknowledged you do have people that believe you and are there for you has just made me so happy. Like I know it doesn't always feel like it and all that, but I just think it's great. Like your outlook seems like it's shifted a bit and you just inspire me. Honestly. Sorry, I probably didn't explain that well at all but I hope you kinda get what I mean lol I'm just proud of you that's all! 😊    But I do understand how frustrating it is for you though and I know it's not easy. Life likes to throw all it has at you, but time and time again you push through it and I admire you so much for it. Your strength is incredible. Sorry, I feel like a proud mum right now lol Or Nana seems I'm about to 'age out' 😂   Hmm.. what would I like to say in Japanese..? Let's see.. what about:   'Hi, my name is Jessica (I made this up - almost wrote my actual name 🤣), what's your name?'    'How are you feeling today?' (V important for our community to know!)    'What's your favourite colour?' (Mine is purple.. what's yours? Can you put the response there too in Japanese?)    That'll get us started!  ... View more

Thanks @Eden1717. I want to email her but I feel so stupid and really don't want to annoy her. I know it's probably not true but I keep thinking she hates me and she doesn't want me to go back this year. I feel like she's just had a break from me and I'm the last person on earth she wants to hear from. Idk. I'm just really feeling like a waste of space atm and that she would rather I disappeared so she didn't have to put up with me. I emailed her the other day cause I was so paranoid about my friend working with her and then I had to email her the day after saying I'd stuffed up and my friend was working in a different area and I just felt so stupid and like I wasted her time so I doubt she wants to hear from me again. But that was paranoid me who wasn't thinking at all. Whereas now I am thinking properly and I actually really need her help. Idk. I really don't want to bother her. She's only just started back for the year so I want to let her settle in and not completely resent me. I did think of maybe seeing if my GP had like an urgent appointment? Do they even do those? Idk. I'm so scared to call and ask though cause I don't want the office ladies thinking I'm attention seeking and making it up cause there's a long wait list and there's no reason I should get in before someone else really. Idk. I just feel like I need to check in with someone. Part of me doesn't care and just wants to crawl into a hole and die and the other part is trying so goddam hard to fight but starting to feel like it's not worth it cause no one is there to help convince me it is. Idk. It's hard to explain.    I've never done DBT. It came up in conversation last year when my psych and GP were trying to get me to see a psychiatrist but that's about it. My psych isn't trained in it but she did start trying to do some other things with me. Actually wait, nevermind I think she started trying some ACT stuff. Idk. She never told me she was but someone on here told me about it and I think that's what it was. Cause CBT doesn't work with me. There's no changing these thoughts. Maybe for 10min and then we're back at square one scratching our heads lol My brain is fucked. I wish I could get a transplant and just be normal!!!!    I don't really know. Please don't judge me but I'm watching some home and away episodes.. I know, I know!! But my grandad loves it and likes to talk to me about it so I'm trying to catch up a bit so we can talk about it lol I have grown to secretly love it.. I never used to be able to stand it! Like would turn the TV off as soon as it came on. Bloody hated it lol But I guess it just distracts me from my own shit.  ... View more

I've definitely been better @Lost_Space_Explorer5! Just had a lovely rant on my thread and think I'm going to eat ice cream and watch something on my laptop. Needing some distractions tonight!    I don't blame you for deciding to leave it as a great mystery lol It's a hard one to understand! And I'm noticing it more with myself now since you mentioned it!    Are you up to much tonight?  ... View more

Aww @Eden1717, if I could punch that doctor right between the eye balls I would!! He had no right to say what he said and make things worse for you the way he has. Just don't forget we are here to listen okay and we 100% believe you are not making it up! So if we exist, I'm sure others like us exist in the real world.. surely! I mean they may not be as cool as us, but I'm sure they do exist and I really do hope that one day they find you or you find them cause you deserve to be heard and believed!!!! It makes me so angry that you weren't!!!    Do you feel like talking about the stuff you found out about your parents? It's totally fine if you don't want to, I'm here to listen if you do though. Also happy to listen if you want to talk about these 3 things. I know in the past you haven't wanted to talk about them though so there is absolutely no pressure!    I think you should be so proud of yourself for pushing through and chomping away at your Japanese one bit at a time. That's bloody awesome and takes some serious dedication so well done! You could always trying teaching us some Japanese if you wanted... I mean, I'd probably suck at it but totally up for the challenge if you're wanting to teach us a phrase or two!  ... View more

I'm really not okay and I don't know how to ask for help in real life. Talking to you guys is easy cause you get me but no one else does and I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. Even on here there's a lot I don't talk about cause I'm scared someone will see it and I'm scared you guys will think I'm crazy. Last night really helped and was such a nice distraction but today I've just gone backwards again. I feel nothing but numbness and anger towards myself and am doing everything I can to keep myself distracted and safe but it's getting really hard to ignore. I just want to cry but am so numb I can't if that even makes sense? I really want to talk to my psych but don't have an appointment with her until next Wednesday and I really don't know I can wait till then. Everything is just too much. I've tried booking in to my GP and can't see her either. I just need to talk to someone. I feel like I'm going crazy and it's just making me worse. I thought of maybe asking if I can talk to my back up psych but idk cause then I feel like my psych will want to talk to me and I don't want to annoy her cause I know she's busy. I just really need help and have no clue how to ask for it and am so over it.    Also, I'm sorry I didn't reply to anyones messages yet. It was too much last night and I just needed to keep myself distracted with our other chats. Your message just got me thinking about the fact that I will also have to leave my psych @Bre-RO and the thought just made me sick so I'm sorry I couldn't reply. I still have like 2yrs potentially, unless she leaves, but whenever I think about it I just get really upset and it makes me shut down and want to push her away. Hopefully one day I'll be able to re-frame things like that but I don't do well with goodbyes so idk. I just wish I didn't get so attached. I hate it so much but can never seem to control it!!! If anyone knows how to control attachment or not get attached in the first place, please do share!!!    @Eden1717 thanks for your message and I'm sorry you've had a shitty time on sane too. You're not wrong when you say there's lots of opinionated people out there! I just wish they'd keep nasty things to themselves!!    @Lost_Space_Explorer5 those memories make me smile but also make me so sad. I really don't want to leave. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it cause I already feel like shit. But thanks for sharing them. I defs won't forget you guys when I do leave.    My mum just called before to ask about my house situation and I couldn't talk to her. I was so zoned out and like I was listening but nothing was going in. She asked if I was okay and I said yes cause she has no clue but now I want to cry even more because I'm not but I don't know how to communicate that I'm not. And the fact she asked if I was okay was unusual so she's obviously noticed. I wouldn't tell her anyway cause I don't want to worry her. I just want to talk to one of my supports and can't and don't know what to do. I just feel like I'm getting worse. ... View more

How's things today @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ? Come up with any theories that make sense?  ... View more

How did you go last night @Eden1717 ?  ... View more

Wow, okay! Way to completely exceed my expectations @Eden1717!!    I agree, the snail counts and I think that pic wins hands down! It's my little sloth and my little snail slug all in one picture!! And you've both definitely been the greatest friends I could have asked for on here so it's super fitting! Well done! I'm totally saving that to my phone as a reminder of you guys 😂    As for now.. I'm gonna attempt to follow the example set in number 3!    Will chat tomorrow, enjoy your show! 💙 ... View more

Hiding under the blanket sounds like a good idea for tonight! I hope you're able to get some sort of sleep too! I'm going to log off in a moment so that we don't all keep bouncing off each other tonight and keeping each other awake! Although I do think an all nighter would be fun.. we could greet all the staff as they start their day! 😂 Maybe not tonight though. I hope your show keeps you as distracted as possible and that you eventually drift off to sleep. If you do start to feel too unsafe, please do call someone okay? I'll check in with you in the morning but you've got this!  ... View more

Ahaha you two crack me up! But I'm relieved to know you both know Casper. I was seriously beginning to worry for a moment there! Lol It was random.. sorry, I'm in a bit of a random mood lol Been so down and ready to well, you know how it goes. Hence why I'm avoiding my thread atm. But talking to you guys tonight has boosted my spirits like crazy! You both bloody rock and I'm gonna miss you so much! But we aren't going there cause I don't have attachment issues and I don't actually care that I'm leaving..    Maybe we should all try get some sleep though? I just realised what the time is. Been having such a great chat I didn't even notice! But maybe we should all sign off for the night and do some of that sleeping self care stuff that's meant to be good for us? Otherwise we'll still be here tomorrow morning as the staff log on and be getting in trouble 😂 ... View more

It's okay @Eden1717. You've explained it well enough for us to try and understand so don't worry about that. It does sound a bit more than anxious thoughts, and like @Lost_Space_Explorer5, I'm not 100% sure what might help in this situation and I'm so sorry that I don't. I really wish there was something I could do. I think it's awesome you've been trying Netflix today! Is there anything in particular you're enjoying watching atm? Any recommendations?    I do think @Lost_Space_Explorer5 is on the right track with trying to make yourself feel as safe as possible now. I know in the past you mentioned hiding under blankets, and from memory I think you even mentioned hiding in a cupboard? (I'm so sorry if I got you mixed up here with someone else?). But either way, how would you feel about trying that out tonight? Maybe hiding in or under something, popping your headphones in and watching your favourite show? Or some slug docos? Lol Actually, I'm going to set you a little challenge! Before I leave RO can you try find me a stupid clip with a slug AND a sloth in it?! I feel like it might be impossible and probably not exist but I need something to remind me of the two crazy friends I've made on here! 😂 Reckon you're up for the challenge when you're feeling a little more yourself and relaxed?  ... View more

Don't be sorry for rambling @musicfan_xo, this is your space as much as it is ours! Besides you've got nothin' on me - have ya seen my novels?! 😂 I'm really sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment and that you're not wanting to see professionals for support. I can relate if it helps at all. I often go through phases of pushing mine away and wanting nothing to do with them. I think maybe some sleep sounds like a good idea for tonight, I doubt we'll be far behind you! And feel free to tag us in your threads if you ever want to chat or feel you're needing some extra support. Like I said, this space is yours just as much as it is ours. Hang in there 💙 ... View more