Yeah it can feel like you're not able to share openly about everything that's going on @MB95. At the same time it makes it safer for everyone and also I think it kind of teaches us that we are going to be heard and supported regardless of if we do something I guess 'self destructive'. Hear me out, by no means am I saying that self destructive stuff is a way of getting attention, because it's not at all. But if we only get support when stuff is really bad dangerous, what will that teach us? To try and push down everything and to only intervene when things are really really shit? This way I think we're kind of taught that we'll be heard no matter how big or small something is and there's no need for people to see 'proof' that they can allocate their support to us. I'm not sure if that makes sense I've kind of lost my train of thought. The attachment issue stuff has definitely come up every time I want to quit therapy because I feel all misunderstood and like my psych/counsellor hates me and wants me dead. So it's a theme. We kind of talk it through about how and why I was feeling that way but we haven't really gone into why it keeps happening other than I have some kind of trust issues On a tangent here but we've been learning a bit about the role of parents in childhood mental illness. Of course, caregivers can have malicious intentions and that can have a big detrimental affect. But also, caregivers can absolutely mean well in a lot of cases. E.g. like a parent who is overprotective teaches their kid with anxiety to avoid situations. So sometimes it can genuinely be no ones fault but just a thing that happens. I don't remember much of my childhood either haha :/ I think it was from being so anxious all the time. Anyway my psych's theory of why I'm so detached is because she thinks I'm 'overcontrolled' and my family I guess raised me saying emotions were a bad thing and were a bit invalidating around emotions. So like I just learnt to push the feelings down until they got too much. I guess if we have a lot of invalidating experiences, even if the person invalidating us means well it can teach us not to trust people. And at the slightest hint of danger, we run (or push people away) because we don't want to be hurt like that again. I don't know the answer :( But I think definitely if we learn a particular attachment style growing up, it can sort of stick with us. I think in a psych lecture they mentioned there was this shift towards reframing bpd as c-PTSD (complex PTSD) which was quite interesting. They said something about 'little t' traumas, which occur over time but sort of add up. I guess if it's from inconsistent parenting (like warm one minute and cold the next). I don't know much about it but I guarantee there is a reason why brains do the things they do and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It's what you've learnt to do. And there's a whole lot of factors at play. Honestly getting caught up in diagnoses can get really confusing and labels can be really unhelpful. But if it helps to know what you're going through makes sense and is experienced by other people it can be good to get an understanding. How I make sense of my own attachment issues without all the psych stuff. I feel like every time I opened up to someone about something, they were really invalidating (I won't go into it) and I spent a lot of time trying to pretend something that was happening wasn't and I found ways to cope that were harmful to me. I relied on myself. So when someone came along that actually cared I was suspicious but also happy to feel 'safe' I guess. Although, the people I did mildly get attached to growing up I shared a tiny bit of what was going on but I had a lot of anxiety, sadness and anger going on that I felt so disconnected from reality and was kind of terrified of myself and just wanted everything to be over so it was a very confusing time and I didn't really trust anyone. I think it has something to do with my sense of self in thinking I'm a bad person and sometimes thinking other people are bad, and the fact I didn't get help at that time and can't get over it. I don't know. Sorry I couldn't help more and just kind of ranted about my own problems when the focus is on you here :( *TW* Okay now to address some safety stuff :p (why do I approach this with such dark cheeky humour I'll never know). MB95... what do you mean you won't be around any longer...? And what do you mean you were going to do something stupid earlier? (without being specific, was it like SH or...?). Are you safe at the moment? Also I really doubt your psych is sick of you but I know how powerful those thoughts can be :( But just cause ya think it doesn't mean it's true :p Grey's anatomy is soo melodramatic lol It's addictive.. I have not seen outlander, what's it about? ... View more

Also if I don't respond to stuff on here, as well as blaming uni I'm gonna blame the RO website because my damn email notifications haven't been working in ages so I have to come on here and sign in to get all my notifications and I miss stuff :p ... View more

Hey if ya cross the guidelines accidentally, ya cross the guidelines @MB95. We'll be here to add in the bleeps if need be (you know like bleeps for censoring ). Sorry if you don't find that funny, I have a weird sense of humour. I know you were talking to Andrea but I'm watching grey's anatomy atm which is hard to admit. I don't have a favourite tv show atm :/ ... View more

Yeah so you just want the pain to stop @MB95 :( You're right, you do try so hard but I think you've come further than you say. I don't know if I'm imagining this but it seems like you're better able to articulate what's wrong despite the fact you're feeling so horrible right now. Hear me out, like you've always had a pretty good insight into your own thoughts and feelings and that brutal cycle of attachment but in my experience anyway it can be so hard to even acknowledge this is what's going on when you're stuck in the middle of really horrible feelings. I think even the fact that you're able to tell us what's happening and that you are open to things changing IS progress. That's what I tell myself anyway when I feel a similar way. You know, it's not your fault that maintaining relationships are hard. Relationships are bloody hard in the first place and to throw attachment issues in the midst of that! Wanting to push someone away and then running to them for help MAKES SENSE! It's not you fucking things up! It's what you've learnt to do and what your emotions tell you to do, and it's a way of protecting yourself. You DO deserve people's help and stop comparing yourself to other people, lady! (that's what my old CM would say lol). What good does it do anyone if we all compare ourselves to others and don't seek help when we need help? Someone with cancer deserves help just as much as someone with stomach flu. You know why? Because we're all freaking human. And we all deserve love and compassion. So YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF SPACE! You are human. I get what you mean about the bad days seeming to outnumber the good but there's a whole lot of bad out there and we gotta treasure the good days because they're worth 3x the amount as the bad. Unfortunately our brains love to pay attention to the bad, it's just a thing that brains do. But if you look at the good, you'll see how bloody far you've come and how strong you are and I'll stop my rant of encouragement now because it's making me cringe even though I'm the one writing it :p It's true though. You're not a waste of space and hey for what it's worth I haven't seen you not 'maintain a relationship' properly on here ... View more

Thank you so much @GinnyRA :D It's been a really insightful chat tonight :) I hope I can keep learning more :) ... View more

Awh I wish my brother could communicate through writing like on these videos :( He can speak a little (like one word at a time) if prompted. It's kind of complicated. He can read and write but only if told to read out loud or told what to write. He used to be really into playing video games as well when he was a kid but not so much anymore but I could play video games with him which was cool :) ... View more

ooh my brother does NOT like when I listen to his music because it's 'his' haha unless he's playing it through speakers then he's happy for me to listen or dance with me. Once I came into listen to music with me and he automatically took the cd out and left and I started crying (I was feeling sad at the time) and he picked up on that and put the cd back in and showed me how to turn it on even though I knew and that was kind of nice because I felt he understood me ... View more

I just watched the "in my language" video that was really powerful :o ... View more

Thanks for your response @GinnyRA :) It was really helpful and I will look at those links! My brother LOVES music, he'll sit for hours listening to it while rocking in his rocking chair :D He can communicate in non verbal ways yeah and sometimes it's not him that gets in the way, rather my ocd :( I think my brother has something called pervasive developmental disorder as well but I never got told much about what exactly his diagnoses are. And asking my parents can be difficult. But I don't really need to know exactly what specfiers and diagnoses he's been given because I don't know what good it would do. But I think looking at these links might give me some insight into the different presentations people can have :) I think you did a really good job at answering this question with sensitivity and understanding :) ... View more

Haha this was my question in case it wasn't obvious :p ... View more

Ugh emergency rooms suck :( I think it's something that needs to be improved for everyone. They can be plain dangerous, with people getting angry and throwing things. I guess that's the best we got at the moment though :( ... View more

I am definitely guilty of constantly tapping my feet or like singing randomly @Hozzles. Cracking my knuckles is where I draw the line :p (probs because I can't do it!). Ooh that's really cool, staring at pictures :o I must try dis. I pace a lot too mostly outside though like when waiting at the bus stop or crossing the lights, I'm surprised more people don't pace at bus stops, it gets boring :p ... View more

Yeah :( @Bre-RO I don't think I quite understood how serious it was back then. I was just a kid and thought it was funny that my brother cried every time we got suitcases out or any time we mentioned the name of the camp...  because he NEVER cried otherwise. So greatt I made fun of my brother for a horrible horrible experience :( I was a horrible kid. Ughh. Now I know better but still I cringe :( Oh I'm sorry to hear that there's still so much uncertainty @WheresMySquishy :( It sounds so stressful and time consuming :( Yeah I think even old carers feel a similar way too :( Even when it's parents of kids. The things I've heard my mum say, I shouldn't repeat here, that she didn't mean but came out of frustration and exhaustion :( I think it's normal to feel a lot of mixed emotions with being a carer ... View more

Animals and weighted blankets are awesomee! Also is stimming sort of like fidgeting? Fidgeting definitely helps with concentration I reckon! ... View more

Thanks @Bre-RO :) I think it would be good for everyone to do something nice for themselves after this chat :) I don't know much about ABA @GinnyRA, but I do know that there's a lot of mistreatment of people with autism :( My brother went to a special school for kids with autism and I remember my dad not being happy with the teachers. Oh and then there were these camps and he went on one and I remember him being so upset. I think I recall my parents saying they locked him in his room :( All of this is blurry for me cause I was younger than my brother and it was the norm for me. *TW* I do remember seeing a documentary where they'd pin down kids with autism and that just seemed so horrible. I worry that all schooling did for my brother stopped him from expressing himself. I mean yes, the way he expressed himself was by running around and making more noise (though he still makes noise) but he seemed happy and I remember as a kid he was fun to play tag with hahaha :) He's still there of course but he is a lot more reserved. I wonder if that was a natural thing of growing up or just what he's been taught hm ... View more

Oh no it wasn't you at all @Hozzles! Sorry if I sounded upset with you! I just wanted to make a disclaimer to everyone I look up to your passion :) I get what you mean about jumping on the train, I always second guess myself, e.g. thinking I make my own mental illness up for attention or something? I get what you mean about the missing puzzle piece, I feel like I'm looking for a missing puzzle piece somewhere too, only I don't know what it is Yeah :( Society really forces this view of what normal is and it can lead to shame about ourselves if we don't meet their view :( I'm glad you're starting to realise that there is nothing wrong with you and make sense of stuff (even when that can be a bit of a tough process :() I love the phrase neurokin too haha :p Ahh eye contact can be so hard, my psych keeps encouraging me to make more eye contact so I can 'connect' better with people ... View more

Thanks @WheresMySquishy :) Yeah I get the embarrassment :( With my brother there's also frustration from my parents and me that comes from lack of understanding of the why. I can't really be around my family as much anyway because of my ocd thoughts so that adds another bloody barrier and it's something I want to work on when I work up the courage to talk to my psych more about it :( I get the thing with grieving.. like my brother didn't finish school, my parents have to constantly look after him and I just think that's going to be me when my parents die and I'm scared of what that will look like :( I know there are positives and negatives about being a carer but I worry that I will resent by brother and I don't want to :( You're a carer for your sister if I'm remembering right @WheresMySquishy? How do you find it? ... View more

@GinnyRA Keen to hear your thoughts about later on this then! Thanks @Bre-RO I'm always wary of even talking about this stuff because I don't want to upset people but it might be good to actually have the conversation :) @WheresMySquishy Thanks for sharing, I don't feel so alone and bad about how I feel :).. Do you ever feel like resentful to people who have less severe FND and wish that were your sister but then feel bad because their struggles are still just as valid. I don't know much about FND, is your sister able to tell her story? Or is it more that severe FND isn't represented enough and not as many recovery stories? ... View more

It's hard for me not to see autism in a medical model kind of way :( I just wanted my brother to be 'normal', whatever the heck that means, growing up. Perhaps if society wasn't the way it is and people were more accepting I would not see his autism as a bad thing. And sure there are other ways to communicate with him. My own anxiety and ocd gets in the way of relating to my family anyways. But I feel like yes there was a point where I loved my brother and his 'autism' because that was just who he was but society taught me to be ashamed of that and now I don't know what to think :( Perhaps if society reframed this and were more accommodating then yeah there wouldn't be shame around it ... View more

Yeah :( It's hard.. @Hozzles there's not enough research. It's not just from my psych studies though, my brother is autistic. Like he's basically non-verbal :( So it's like.. really difficulty to give him a voice and I don't know if it would be the same as others who are affected differently by autism. This topic is really hard for me to talk about because of my experiences growing up with my brother and having my parents constantly telling me people who have autism but are I guess better functioning are just hoping on the 'neurodivergent train'. I don't want to feel like this topic is hard and I want to know more but I have to admit it's a really hard one for me. I've asked my psych if there's a possibility I might be autistic but we kind of agreed it was possible but we didn't think it would be helpful for me personally to look into it. But I know getting diagnosed can be really helpful for others as there's that understanding of the why and it can get you the right kind of support. But yeah sorry if I am a bit sensitive on this topic I'm trying to understand but I've got some mixed feelings about it :( ... View more

Ooh I've never heard of 'hyper-empathy' before, I've always thought of autism as struggling to relate to others with the theory of mind type of stuff. I will have to look this up! ... View more

Hi @GinnyRA, I love that you've been using your experiences to advocate for mental health :) ... View more

Hey hey everyone! I should be doing uni too @Hozzles but I'm really not feeling it :| ... View more

Hey @MB95 I'm sorry stuff is so so hard right now :( I feel you about feeling like you're stuck in this vicious cycle and you can't get out. I gotta say though, what your thoughts are telling you now is BS, we all care about you so much and would definitely notice :( Jeez, Darren(?) can be so mean sometimes hey :( **TW** (in response to your question) yeah I have felt similar before- like I don't deserve to be here. More because I felt like I'm this terrible person and everyone would be so relieved if I left but they don't realise it now because I'm that manipulative. We can think ourselves into these corners where we feel trapped but then once that emotion is passed we can take a breath and it does get easier again. I get what you mean about the feeling like you have so much and feeling like you don't deserve what you have and you would swap places with someone in a heartbeat. I don't think it's helpful to think that way because people can be sad no matter their circumstances in life, and it doesn't do anyone any good to compare themselves to others. But I'm hearing how much pain you are in right now to be wanting an out by swapping places with someone. This sounds like a bit of a morbid question, but it's more that I'm asking to see what could change so bear with me but- what is it that death could give you? (e.g. it could be peace). If it's peace, peace from what? What needs to change in order for you to want to stick around? Are you open to thinking about stuff changing in the first place? Why/why not? You don't have to answer of course, that's a lot of questions. But if you're noticing a lot of resistance to these questions, I suspect there's a sign that something could change to make life worth living but you don't wanna go there because it's too painful? :( So if you're not wanting to answer, that's totally okay, but I'm really interested in how these questions make you feel? :p Angry? Sad? Amused? Numb? (get that feeling wheel out! :p) ... View more

Thanks guys :) Okay first Imma vent sorry then I will reply bear with me I'm freaking out right now because uni is just so much work and I've got this group project that stressing me out I can't communicate with my group members very well because it's all online and I don't understand coding AT ALL, and I've got 3 quizzes/tests next week, and then 2 essays the week after and I'm so behind on everything I can't focus I'm so panicky AHHHH I feel like I can't breathe properly but on the outside I look super chill other than the fact I'm biting my nails Thanks @MB95 Ugh I don't know why I say I'm okay when I'm not I just felt like what I had to talk about wasn't important and no one cared anyway.. Lol emotions are hella scary. I don't know I think I called too late that's why it was shorter, she was busy. I'm still seeing my psych atm haha. Apparently I'm very good at hiding stuff so sometimes even my psych won't pick up on that somethings wrong. E.g. I'll be really anxious and look perfectly content apparently, or I'll be really hurt and paranoid my psych hates me but sound completely bored with the conversation. And not even realise I'm doing that :( Haha no matter how many times someone says they don't want me dead, I can't believe it My psych says how would I feel if people didn't trust what I said as true and I would feel bad so I really should stop telling people I don't believe them Maybe if I say I believe people I will :p So I believe you... I think it's working The thought was Darren I think lol :p But you were super close! 3 AM is a very silly time to be awake @MB95 :(! Go to sleep earlier! (easier said than done I know :() Thanks @Maddy-RO :) Thanks @Eden1717 I'm doing okay today (even though I realise you asked this 5 days ago.. whoops! :() ... View more

Hey @Eden1717 I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with so much :( Not being able to look after yourself and keeping up with uni are hard enough on their own without having to deal with the fears about the devil and the new medication :( Sorry I'm not much help.. Your new community treatment team sound like they mean well with validating your experiences but at the same time it sounds really draining and scary, am I hearing that right? Has your pain gotten any better lately? What do you think is getting in the way of not being able to drink water? Whatever the reason is it sounds really hard not being able to drink and also not being able to cry :( ... View more

Hey @MB95 are you okay? :( I'm really worried about you! ... View more

Thanks guys :) @MB95 I think of sending you guys sloths every time I see anything with sloths on them @Eden1717 I'm going okay, mostly, how are you? I just talked to my counsellor and it was a shorter session than usual and typical me I did that thing where I say I'm okay but I'm not and then cried after the call thinking everyone hates me and wants me dead yada yada the usual bs my mind comes up with :( ... View more

Hey @MB95 that's totally okay you don't have to apologise! I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much and you received some triggering news by the sounds of it as well? :( Sending you sloth hugs and I hope you can get some sleep tonight ... View more

Thanks @Andrea-RO :) I don't think I realised how sensitive I can get about this topic- I don't really talk about it that much so wasn't really prepared for how big my emotions could get about it.. I think it's a good idea for me not to get so involved about this topic in the future I agree with everything @MB95 has said so beautifully @Eden1717- that we're sorry we upset you and do understand that body image is really complicated and we didn't mean to oversimplify it. We totally respect you not wanting to talk about this stuff on here anymore (but we're here if you ever do want to of course). I hope last night you were able to get some rest and what I said didn't make things worse- I'm sorry I took what you said personally and talked so much about potentially triggering stuff that wasn't going to be helpful for anyone to read. I took it down cause I regretted oversharing so much. I hope you're doing okay. I can hear you were already upset and it wouldn't have been helpful at all to try and explain where you were coming from when I misinterpreted things so I'm really sorry :( and I hope you're okay @Eden1717 :( ... View more