I'm doing much better nowadays. My parents are absolutely amazing Especially my dad who found out my abuser was his dad. They have been so helpful and strong. they are an amazing support, my siblings too. My dad's side of the family couldn't handle it though, they are the ones that left. It has been hard to accept but I know I did all I could to protect them and my cousins, but it's not my job to protect them, or control what they should do or feel. I have been attending counseling since 2 months before I disclosed. My gp knows too and has given me a mental health plan. I'm finally on antidepressants which looking back I needed for years. They help so much for me. I did deal with substance abuse to numb my feelings but my family helped me intervene it and now I have counseling for that too. I'm just focusing on my healing now, it hasn't been easy but I hope that with time, I can develop healthy coping strategies and live the life I always wanted.
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The other night I was doing my daily journal. I have an app that asks me a different question everyday so I can write and work through my feelings. Last nights question was... Who is the villain in your story? I hope that I wrote helps someone who struggles putting their feelings into words. This is what I wrote, this is my story.... That's an easy one. I have known it as the monster for most of my life. It is kind of like a fairy tale, one I hope ultimately has a happy ending. I had an idilic early childhood from what I can remember. I was the oldest, the most spoiled, the princess. I felt like I was the centre of the world. And I thought I was the centre of everyone else's. That's why I trusted too much despite the warnings. A monster was already in my universe, disguised as an "angel". The people who loved me were so protective, so intent on guarding the castle walls where the young and naive princess was, that they never thought the monster was already there, and had been waiting for the princess before she was even born. The monster stole the little princess' soul and kept her in its claws for 11 years, while she scram out to the universe with her mouth covered by fear, no sound coming out. All the while people saw the princess' body was still there, not noticing what was lost, but noticing their young and sweet princess was different from before. The princess pretended she wasn't hurt by the monster, thinking she was strong because she didn't act scared and let the people who guarded her think they had failed. No matter what she thought though, her soul was gone and the monster gripped her tighter in its claws everyday. One day the princess looked beyond the castle walls, to an unknown world, and knew she wanted to live there and be happy, to feel the grass beneath her feet and the wind in her hair. But her soul was gripped in the monsters claws. The princess knew she needed her soul to be truly happy, and she looked at the new little princess sitting beside her in the castle walls and knew that if she left without getting her soul back the right way, the monster would take hers next. So the princess decided that she had to be brave and fight the monster she had been afraid of all these years. She knew that telling her guards that one of their own was the monster would be hard, because they loved their fellow guard and thought they had protected the princess with them for so long. But the princess stood tall and scram her truth so loud the castle around her crumbled and the guards didn't know what to do. Some were stronger than the others and ran to the princess without hesitation, while others blamed the princess for breaking the castle and disturbing the peace of the kingdom. But the princess didn't care. She and the people that stood by her pointed to the monster, fought it and took her soul back from its claws. For the first time the princess felt whole again. The monster ran away and the guards left without a castle to defend either stood by the princess or left her. But the princess saw the rubble around her and decided she wasn't going to just be a princess guarded anymore. She was going to be a princess and defend herself too. She was still shaken up from so many years being taken away from her, and her soul as a little girl didn't fit quite right in her new body, but the princess now knew that the guards and people in her kingdom who had stuck by her would love her no matter what. It was going to be hard not being the little princess anymore, but she was going into the unknown, a world of happiness and sadness, but a world of her own.❤
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