Medical Appointments

Feeling invalidated by medical professionals is definitely very crappy @Pho-RO . And that's just one example. I'm on my second psychologist and second psychiatrist for a reason (quite a few really)...

I'm glad you eventually realised the support you need. It must have taken me at least four years of symptoms to start to get help (at first I think I just assumed that depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts were just part of that whole puberty hormones thing everyone had just been talking about lol). Then I was misdiagnosed. And a lot has happened since then. 2.5yrs later I've finally been offered inpatient and I think it's time to try something new.

But I did it. I spoke to my parents literally just then. I talked, they listened. It can be hard in that they've never experienced bipolar, so I have to try and describe something they've never experienced. They asked questions, I answered them pretty well. I sent them links to the website of the clinic and insurance information. By the end of our conversation they seemed to be on board. Mum suggested that before I make an appointment, to email my current psychiatrist in the morning asking if he could send referrals over email, instead of needing to book an appointment. I doubt that will work, but it's a good idea and worth a shot. My Dad's already looked at one of the videos. They've asked some other logistics questions that I had already researched/thought of answers for. It was a productive conversation and they've said they want to support me.

Sometimes though I feel like I have the opposite problem to a lot of other teenagers. My parents want to support me and want to be involved which is great, but I don't want them knowing everything. So while I'm extremely grateful for them, sometimes it feels frustrating balancing using their support while keeping boundaries that they don't even know they exist. 

But one step at a time. This is probably better than telling myself none of this is real, I'm imagining it all, it's going to pass by itself, and dissociating constantly so everything around me feels fake and I stay in denial about my problems.

I know my boss isn't being judgmental. It's just... I don't like people worrying about me or judging/viewing me just as my mental illness. Sometimes when I'm around people that know a bit, I feel tense because I can't help but wonder if they're thinking about my illness.

It's been a big day. From walking into tables at work, crying in the macca's car park on the phone, collapsing in bed when I got home, masking, then having a full on conversation with my parents... hopefully I sleep well. I have an early-ish start tomorrow but only work part days so I'm going to focus on that bit.

@Akinna I'm sorry to hear you've felt pretty invalidated by psychs in the past. That's real crappy. Hopefully you can get through the next one as like...just checking that box. 

Sounds like your parents want to be supportive, but maybe they don't quite know how? In an ideal world, what sort of response would you want from them? Perhaps you could tell them specifically what you find helpful and what isn't. 

It sucks that things have gotten so bad for you. It sucks to need the inpatient care. It is really admirable though that you are taking those steps to get yourself the right treatment. I think it took me like... 6 years to realise how badly I needed better support. It takes a lot of courage to admit to ourselves how much we need help sometimes. I hope this gives you what you need to move forward 💖

As for your boss... From what you describe, I sincerely doubt she is judging you, sounds like she is concerned and wants to be supportive - she's not going to be able to do that if you're faking it. If that's what you need to do to get through the day then by all means, of course do so. Wonder what would happen if you expressed this concern to her? Not always an easy thing to do, be vulnerable like that - but you might be pleasantly surprised by her response. Well, I hope so anyway. 

For what it's worth, I really admire your courage and your willingness to be taking these steps, hard as they are. 

Yeah @Pho-RO it's definitely feeling very full on.

I think I have to go to the same psychiatrist... looking online he has some appointments Thursday morning, which isn't too far away. I want my Mum to come this time, and I think she will want to come too. I went by myself these last two psychiatry appointments so I could talk about my self harm and how bad things were, but that didn't seem to make any difference to my treatment anyway. Last psychiatrist appointment, I told him I felt like I had gone backwards two years. He said it's quite normal. I said two years ago I was stuck in high school, depressed, suicidal, and self harming. What he took away from that, is that two years ago I was in high school so I'm young. Then he started talking about the friends t-shirt I was wearing.

This all means the best time to tell my parents is probably tonight. That way I can talk to them when they're not busy, I have time to book the appointment before they hopefully get taken, and my parents have a little bit of time to adjust to this.

When I told Dad about inpatient for the first time two weeks ago, it was awkward. He was verbally supportive, but never followed up. Both my parents said to ask my psychologist more about the therapies, but never asked how the next appointment went. I think my parents have the right intentions, but that doesn't stop things getting awkward.

I have already made a fact sheet on trusty old google docs to share with them. I'm probably too tired for this conversation, but I almost always am. And if I want this to happen soon, I need to talk to them soon. I know they will be supportive, but it's going to be awkward as they try to understand. I hate talking about my mental health and people knowing how bad I am.

I can't keep living like this. I need something to change, I need a break. Preferably sooner rather than later. The more I think about it, the more I realise how much I need this extra treatment. I do not see how I will improve any more on my current treatment plan. One hour a fortnight, or even an hour a week with my psychologist, plus trial and error medication with psychiatry appointments at least a month a part, is not enough to treat a 24/7 illness and the constant pain it causes.

When I say my boss is keeping an eye on me... I texted her on Friday telling her I'm going to arrange an inpatient admission. She had such a gorgeous reply. But now I'm self-conscious of the fact that she's probably watching me. Like today when we were together I walked into random stuff twice. Then this afternoon she texted me just checking-in, saying I seemed a little bit 'off' today and to please let her know if there's anything she can do to support me. My boss is lovely and I think (in comparison to my parents) having multiple chronic illnesses herself might give her a different perspective. But now I feel awkward because I feel like she could be judging me and I'm seeing her again tomorrow and now I have to work extra hard to fake it.

This feels sooooo messy 😭

@Akinna oh goodness, that is such an overwhelming situation! Feels almost like you're being pulled in many directions at once, all with their own type of discomfort. 

I can totally relate to how you feel about psychiatrists - since they go through med school they don't necessarily learn what is sometimes referred to as 'bedside manner' so it can definitely feel very cold and impersonal. Do you have to go to the same psych, or could you get a referral to someone new? 

And with your parents, it sounds like just taking it one step at a time could be helpful - if you let them know what is happening for you in stages, it will give them time to process the new info and support you accordingly. Though I understand that there's a time-pressure because of impending appointments and whatnot. How have they been reacting so far? 

I hope you can give yourself a break in regards to being a bit out of it at work. It's not easy having your boss' eyes on you, but you are dealing with a lot right now and their opinion of you doesn't matter anywhere near as much as you being able to focus on the things that matter most - your own health and wellbeing. 

Hey there @Akinna ,

It sounds like there's a lot you are sitting with right now. Not only have inpatient plans changed, you've had to look at alternatives, you've had to research it, you've had to contact your treating team...and on top of that, you have to tell your parents who have not yet asked you about your last appointment.

Perhaps for now it is about letting yourself digest all the information so that it doesn't become information-overload? Once you know more about the stay, you may feel more comfortable speaking to your parents?

At this time, give yourself some space to breathe. 

We look forward to hearing how things go.

Hey @Pho-RO and  everyone else. I’m giving an update and need some advice/suggestions…

Two Tuesdays ago I told my dad the impatient idea. He was nice, but I’ve felt awkward ever since. My parents have barely mentioned it. I saw my psychologist again Thursday. My parents knew I was going to be asking about inpatient. But they didn’t even ask my how that appointment went.

I’d been having mixed feelings but on Thursday decided I’m going to make inpatient work. My psychologist said to not let other people’s reactions change my decision.

Yesterday I rang the clinic I was initially looking into. I’m glad I did because I’ve decided that place doesn’t offer what I need. So now I’m investigating a clinic my psychologist is more familiar with. Based on the website, it sounds really good. Next I need to ring them about their specific therapies, but mainly asking about the admission process. I’m really hoping the referral I have for another clinic will be good enough because that will save time and effort with booking another GP appointment or whatever I’ll need. So it has the potential to happen very slowly or quickly.

I’ve been texting my psychologist to update her because she is going to write a letter for whatever psychiatrist I see. My current psychiatrist really inaccurately described the intensity of my issues and my psychologist knows me better. I still feel untreated because of my appearance, even when I use very direct language. So hopefully my psychologist’s letter will be helpful. I love this psychologist.

I also texted my boss yesterday to let her know this is coming up. She had such a lovely and supportive reply.

The hardest next step is telling my parents. I’m procrastinating. Maybe I’ll wait until Tuesday when I’ve had a chance to ring that clinic and have more information. I just start to dissociate every time I think about it. Do I tell them verbally? Write them a note? Text them? How do I bring it up? If I leave it too long they’ll make plans for other things.

They tell me I can talk to them about anything but they just made this topic so awkward!

And I’m grumpy. When I’m out with work or going to the shops, I’m avoiding going home because then I have to be around people. I will literally sit in my car in a carpark where I am. Then I spend most of my time at home hiding in my room. And now it’s a long weekend and I can’t avoid people.

Urghhhhhhhhhh 😭🤮

@Annika I get that. You aren't letting yourself down though by taking these steps to get yourself enough support. You're just doing what you can to survive, and that takes a lot of strength. 

Fingers crossed you do hear from your psych soon 🤞

I hear what you're saying @Pho-RO 

I think there's a bit of shame too with feeling like I've let them down.

Think I'll really have to rely on my psychologist. Hopefully she gets back to me soon 😞

@Akinna Ahh gotcha. Yeah I mean it sounds like they really do care and want to be super supportive, but it also really sucks to have your sense of agency and independence removed. If they do find out, would it help to talk about how their response did impact you last time? And then you could potentially propose some alternative ways of working together to support you when you're feeling those urges, that focuses on the fact that if you're going to build ways to avoid self-harm in the future, you need to be able to have the freedom to do so in a way that works for you. For example, in a scenario where you had a more collaborative approach where you feel safe to tell them when you have self-harm urges, rather than restricting you they could help you by providing comfort, distractions, help you make the space safer, stuff like that. 

I mean, those kinds of conversations could be a lot easier to have with the support of your psych along the way as well, something to think about anyway.  

@Pho-RO I'll just take one step at a time with psychiatrist side of things.

My parents are amazing. But that means they hurt when I hurt and they worry about me, which makes me feel bad.

Also, last time I went through self harm issues, they lost their trust in me. They wouldn't let me stay home alone. I don't want them to lose their trust in me again. Especially now I have a job that requires me to be driving throughout the community by myself.

Those are all awful feelings. But I don't know how this is going to work out without them finding out.

I think I'm really going to be relying on my psychologist for what to do next.

@Akinna You could potentially email in advance and let them know you don't want to discuss your self-harm? 

I'm also curious about why you don't want your parents to know - is it a shame thing, or you want to protect them from having to worry about that extra layer, or something like that? Or you're maybe scared of how they'd react? All are valid reasons btw I'm not here to judge, just want to know a bit more about what is happening for you. 

Well @Pho-RO I'm back to crying.

I told my Dad about the idea. He was shocked and processing it, but wanting to be supportive. Mum is next.

I've just texted my psychologist seeing if I can see her any sooner than in two Thursdays. Hopefully she can. Because I hate waiting.

Dad has suggested mum comes on next psychology appointment as we talk about inpatient, and future psychiatry appointments again because then she can ask questions. I'm fine with her coming on a psychology appointment, because my psychologist already knows how bad I am without me having to talk about it in front of Mum. It's different with psychiatrists. They don't know me as well. Yes, Mum does ask good questions and I want her asking those questions when talking about inpatient. But I still don't want my parents to know about my self harm and how bad I actually am. But whatever psychiatrist I see should know.

So I don't know what to do and I want to see my psychologist 😞

I wish this wasn't real because I don't want to deal with this 😭

@Akinna That sounds like a super mature approach. I hope you can take a moment to acknowledge and be proud of that - of prioritising the need for that more intensive support to ensure that you can get off the spiral before it's too late. I hope your parents are able to see that too. And all of those things you miss will be that much sweeter when you finish and can return, hopefully with a sense of feeling better able to manage your day to day, and on the path towards recovery. 

You got this! And we will also be here to support you along the way 💖

Hey @Portia_RO 

Yes it was really good to talk to my cousin.

This morning I had a bit of a meltdown because I just felt so awful. Dad got me a choc frappe, and I eventually felt (semi) up to making it to work. (I went to cancel my first physio client but turns out she was going to cancel me anyway so that worked out well).

I’ve decided I can’t wait until my next psych app to talk to my parents about inpatient. That’s too long. They saw my meltdown this morning anyway.

Mum texted me during the day checking in, she’s proud of me etc. So I said my psychologist has recommended some more intense treatment, I’ve done some research, I think it’s worth a shot, we can talk later.

I’ll just tell them the info I have so far. I still do not want to disclose my self harm. My online enquire hasn’t been replied to yet which is a shame.

If they’re saying things about me being away from them, missing each other I can point out… this is suicide prevention. I am spiralling. If I don’t get extra help now it might go too far. Then you would be missing me for way longer than potentially a few days or weeks.

I was thinking on the weekend about the things I’ll miss if I go inpatient eg. Dogs, time with fam and friends. But I also realised, it’s short-term ‘pain’ for long-term gain.

Wish me all the best 😬

Hey @Akinna , I'm so glad to hear that your chat with your cousin went well! It sounds like they gave you some really good insight into what an inpatient stay might look like in real life - I know what you mean, sometimes movies don't give a very accurate or welcoming depiction of what going to hospital for mental health issues might look like, so it's nice to know that it can actually look pretty different. 

How are you feeling today? I know it can be tough waiting for the next psych session to roll around, do you have anything planned to help yourself through for the next week or so?

@Pho-RO I'm glad I messaged my cousin.

She had some really positive feedback from her three stays, and even a hospital recommendation. She said it’s nothing like the movies and hoped she made it a bit less scary for me.

I told her about my currently secret potential treatment, and she told me about her semi-secret boyfriend. So it was a confidential cousin conversation lol!

See what happens from here I guess. Next step is waiting to see my psychologist again I guess. 😴

@Akinna sounds like it will be really good for you to get that specialised treatment. And I hope the breathing is helping, just keep at it. 

Yeah the ol' imposter syndrome is rough. Sometimes it helps me to remember that so many people struggle with it, so it's very likely others that I work alongside are experiencing the same thing. Sounds like you're working really hard at it, so big kudos for that 😊

I hope your cousin has the time and space to be with you in this time. I'm glad you have that support, and who knows maybe this could also bring you two closer together 🤞💖

Yeah @Pho-RO I think talking to my psychologist about it again will be useful. It's a shame I have to wait but hey... I've waited a few years for this type of help I can wait another week and a half. I guess that's another pro of inpatient, not having to wait weeks between seeing medical professionals.

The breathing will be from feeling panicky from everything going on in my brain.

The work feedback is extra nice considering my perfectionism, imposter syndrome and work anxiety was a therapy focus when I started this job and I'm still having to be proactive about it. I've had to work really hard and there's been a massive learning jump (no curve, just felt like a jump lol). Work does have the potential to be a distraction which is always useful. But as soon as the distractions go away, it all just gets worse again.

I've ended up just messaging my older cousin. We're not overly close, but we're alright. She's been in hospital for her mental health problems a few times. I said I had a mental health question, only if she has the mental/emotional energy to think about someone else's stuff. There's not many people I can just talk about this with.

Fun times 😭😴

Hey @Akinna it sounds like it could be very helpful to get more info and also the support of your psych to help you approach this conversation with your parents. It can be a really conversation to have. Also, it can mean you're able to get more support from your family along the way, so I wish you all the best with it. 

It's good you're focusing on the deep breathing. Do you think it's a result of feeling panicky, or that something else is going on? 

Hooray for good feedback at work! Always heartening to hear. 

Thanks for the link @Chloe-RO it was definitely informative.

I haven't actually spoken to my parents yet. I'm sure they will be eventually supportive. Still no idea how I would bring it up. There's a hospital attached to the clinic my psychiatrist works at (he just doesn't do admissions there). I filled out an online enquiry form attached to the clinic my psychiatrist works because I might end up there (That's if my parents want private). They're supposed to get back within one business day. I guess I'm trying to collect as much information as possible before I talk to my parents. Ideally I would also like to talk to my psychologist again, but that's not for almost week and a half. So I'll see what happens 🙃

I've spent a bit of time today (like right now) feeling like I'm suffocating and breathing is harder. So lots of deep calm breaths in an attempt to help myself. 😭

I got some really good feedback at work today which was great, especially since I've only had this job for like five months 🙂

Hi @Akinna ,

Good on you for giving things a go. 

We read of your many thoughts and feelings over this entire situation. 

We're wondering whether this thread will be of any benefit to you: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Heavy-feels/Going-to-Hospital/m-p/204821#U204821

You may have some of your questions answered here, as well as be able to read of others' experiences. There are many who have experienced a hospital stay - both in private and public. And yes, a stay for even respite may be able to give you time to just let the hyper-vigiliance subside.

It's great to read that this is something you want to try and your parents are supportive. We look forward to hearing how things pan out for you.

@Chloe-RO I’m glad that my medication has been increased because it means something has changed. Something needs to change. But at the same time I’m very skeptical.

Also, I’ve spent a bit of time feeling lightheaded since the increase. It’s probably just my body adjusting to being on double the dose now. But if I doesn’t pass in the next few days I might go say hi to the local chemist just to see what they think. I like having plans like that. It makes me feel like I have a tiny bit of control.

With the idea of inpatient…

I’ve thought about it A LOT over the last few years. I really think that if people know how bad I was at certain points, I would have gone to hospital a few years ago. But I’ve never brought it up. So I’m glad my psychologist did.

It’s like… I’m very good at waiting until I hit ‘rock bottom’ before I ask for help because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Well, rock bottom is getting pretty close, so why wait it until I get there to ask for help?

My current treatment, what I’ve been trying the last 2.5 years of psychology appointments and medication trial and error… obviously isn’t enough. I’m getting really tired. I feel like I’ve run out of the mental and emotional energy to help myself. I’ve crashed and I don’t know if I have the energy to get myself out. Which is where inpatient might be helpful. I haven’t tried inpatient before. Maybe that’s the next step, the next thing to try. I wouldn’t have to wait for a fortnight between psychology appointments, and even longer for psychiatry appointments. Because that sucks. I would be around people who ‘get it.’ I would have that extra help to really engage in therapy.

But I think the main thing that’s making me think inpatient would be a good idea… when I think about being forced to stop everything else, having 24/7 care, having other people help me stay alive… I feel relieved. I’m starting to cry right now at the thought of getting that much help. Everything is dark again. I wake up dreading the day and genuinely not knowing how I’ll get through it. So maybe maybe inpatient is the tiny bit of hope I need.

My psychologist can’t tell me what to do, and she said that. But I could tell she really thinks inpatient would be a good idea. She was even describing how they apparently have good food and how insurance works.

I next see my psychologist in a fortnight. I think inpatient is going to be a big topic of conversation. I can tell her all this. Also, I’ve started telling her a little more about the self harm. I think it’s time to tell her a bit more about the suicidal thoughts (I’m safe). I think that would lead to her encouraging me even more lol. I feel like I’ve already made the decision that I want to try inpatient, but I’m going to need some encouragement to make it worth.

Organising it also feels overwhelming. Hopefully my psychologist will have some guidance. I can take in my referral for another psychiatrist who does inpatient admissions to show her. Maybe it would be possible for her to type up a letter.

I want my parents in on an appointment that’s talking about hospitalisation. They’ll want to be in on it too. I need them on board to make it happen. Once they agree, I know they will be supportive.

The only thing is I still don’t want them to know about my self harm. While they’ll be relieved I’m getting help, they’ll also be upset it’s been going on for so long and I haven’t told them. My referral mentions self harm.

That’s probably going to be the trickiest thing. Something else to talk about with my psychologist.

That was long. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Yeah Big Bang Theory is one of my distraction shows. It’s kind of sad I feel like I need constant distractions, but it’s genuinely become a habit. I’ve just finished watching friends again, so back to Big Bang Theory. I’ve watched them quite a few times now. I kind of want to start something new, but there’s also like an emotional safety in rewatching the same thing.

Hi @Akinna ,

Thank you for updating us about how your appointments went today. 

Although they were 'ok', we read there is somewhat progress. How do you feel about having your medication increased?

Also, it sounds like you feel that an inpatient stay is a good idea at this time. Perhaps it will also give you a 'break' from your thoughts? Some people find a short inpatient stay to be a bit of a respite for them because they do not need to battle to stay alive, knowing there is somewhat structure and routine in an inpatient unit e.g. meds, meals, education groups, and 24/7 staff on duty.

Would you consider making some recovery goals for yourself if you choose to go down that path of an inpatient stay?

Oh, and most importantly, good on you for watching Big Bang Theory as a distraction!