Medical Appointments

@Akinna Really appreciate you sharing this all with us, and I hope even just writing it out has been a helpful process, especially in regards to trying to discern your emotional state as it fluctuates. I can imagine that to be very confusing and difficult to navigate. 

I can imagine bouncing between extremes of thought and emotion are incredibly confusing and overwhelming, especially as it sounds as though it is also influencing your sense of self - your values and beliefs. I know in DBT they talk about the concept of 'wise mind' - when in a more regulated state we are more centred, and better able to make conscious and informed decisions, think logically, and embody our values. It could be a good little exercise to do some journalling when feeling calm/regulated, and write about the things you are feeling a little lost/confused about at the moment. Like maybe write about your faith, your values, things you admire about yourself, things you're grateful for, stuff like that. Then when feeling overwhelmed or down, you can always refer back to it to remind yourself of your personal truths. Just a suggestion of course, and maybe something you could discuss with your psych 😊

I'm glad you have been feeling more seen and understood with your treating team. I think it's interesting how much overlap there can be with various diagnoses, and having it acknowledged and explored can be very healing. After all, diagnosis is merely meant to guide treatment, so as you start getting a better understanding of your mental health, it will hopefully lead to more suitable/effective treatment options going forward. Can certainly be a very confusing process along the way though, so it's awesome that you're here with us so we can help you navigate it all as best we can. 💚

Yeah thanks @Portia_RO  . It was just a weird and uncomfortable social interaction.

I was feeling really overwhelmed after my psychologist appointment yesterday. It was like ‘oh crap, not this again.’ I just kind of had to wait it out with those emotions. I’ve decided to wait until July/August to see her again, after my next DBT course (unless I change my mind). I also don’t want to mess with my meds during this course, just wait it out a bit.

Bouncing between extremes of emotions/thoughts is so confusing. It makes it hard to know who I really am at times, what I’m interested in, what I care about, how I actually feel, what I’m actually thinking, what I actually believe. I can go from completely confident to severely insecure. From feeling euphoric to suicidal to depression. Being fully invested in a project/idea/hobby, then just curled up in bed not caring about anything. 

With religion… I know bad mental health is not the result of ‘weak’ faith. Mental health is a medical issue, not a religious one. Mental health is even literally talked about in my religion/the importance and very realness of it, the need to get help from medical professionals, and practical steps for looking after it. My religious beliefs have been very helpful in helping me throughout all this.

But when my thoughts, emotions, and energy levels are bouncing between extremes, it makes it hard for me to know how I feel about anything, including religion. I can look at the reasons I’ve found for my beliefs and feel completely connected, then all of a sudden completely numb. I’ll bounce between confident and skeptical, convinced and paranoid, enthusiastic and lethargic. So it can all be very confusing. It can be hard to know if this is genuinely how I think/feel/believe, or if this is just another aspect of my life where mental illness is making everything a bit more foggy. It’s frustrating because religion is very important to me. Something I’m still trying to figure out. I could probably talk about it with my parents one day, but I like trying to figure stuff out by myself until I’m desperate.

The psychiatrist (my third) I most recently saw kind of had a more open-view on my bipolar 2 diagnosis. His opinion was I’m definitely on the mood disorder spectrum somewhere between bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder, it’s just hard to pinpoint where, and only time will make it easier to figure out (at the end of the day, I’m only 18). My Mum (who still does not agree with the bipolar 2 diagnosis) liked that viewpoint, and so does my psychologist. 

I find it interesting because my first psychiatrist was very ‘old school.’ He diagnosed my with bipolar 2, didn’t explain it, and immediately shut me down on the second appointment when I mentioned I had been reading about borderline personality disorder. My second psychiatrist just agreed I could have bipolar 2. 

Talking with my psychologist yesterday, she agreed I definitely have borderline traits. It is possible to have both bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Whether I have borderline or not, it was interesting/nice to at least have those traits acknowledged for the first time by that psychiatrist, the complete opposite of my first psychiatrist. Especially since I first identified with information about borderline almost two years ago when I started seeing a psychiatrist. Because whether I actually have borderline or not, I am still definitely affected my quite a few traits.

Hi @Akinna , I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your uncomfortable experience during your hospital stay. I can completely understand why it made you feel uneasy for your male psychiatrist to see more of you than you were comfortable with - even if they are a professional, it's still a very vulnerable thing to have someone see you in this way (particularly without your express permission). I'm really glad to hear that you took back your sense of agency back by passing on your feedback to the hospital about what happened - hopefully they are able to take what you've said on board for future. 

How are you feeling after your first psych appointment after hospital? It sounds like you're being really open and honest with them about what you're going through and how bouncing between different extremes is impacting you. You mentioned that these kinds of mood swings have made the religious aspect of your life more difficult - I'm curious about how it impacts your relationship with religion?

Hey guys

So haha since my last post I eventually went from strong hypomania to severe depression within the space of an hour. Although the last few days have been a bit calmer thankfully, which is rare.

The most uncomfortable part of my time in hospital was actually nothing to do with my mental health. Hopefully I’ve censored this enough.

I’ve just had my first psychologist appointment since hospital= mental/ emotional overwhelm. Which I did not tell her about (I need to work on that). So I have eaten chocolate and mostly recovered.

I feel like… I’m surrounded by people who I know care for me, but this just feels so lonely. I can’t wait for someone else to do this for me because they never will. Like no one else can deal with my self harm other than me. Which is a hard concept.

I talked with my psychologist a little about how I can have such drastic mood swings so quickly (like last week). From never self harming again, to I’ll never stop. I’m cured, to I’m doomed. I’m confident, motivated and hopeful, to severely depressed- at worst it can happen all within the space of an hour. She agreed it must be confusing. It makes it hard to know what I really think and feel. Something I didn’t think about mentioning to her is how it makes religious stuff so much harder sometimes. Not knowing if I’m bouncing between extremes, or if that’s actually how I feel. Which is really confusing, especially since religion is such a big part of my life.

On a more positive note, now I’m out of hospital, I’m actually starting to address some of my physical health issues. Like the ringing sound that lives in my ears and finally seeing a chiropractor again. Now that the hospital priority is out of the way, it’s good to be making my way down my list of health issues.

Wow @Akinna ! 

What an incredible account! I was thrilled to read your post. I feel a new energy in your post which is so great. Well done on making it through the week. Your strength and resilience is inspirational. Well done!

As for radical acceptance, it is such a simple yet profound notion - that is, to accept the things that you cannot change. 

I honestly feel such an energy from your post. Were you able to note down things you learnt during the week?

And it's so true when they said they are not going anywhere. It is a comfort to know that you can have planned admissions when things get tough.

Thank you so much for updating us. As much as you want to change 'everything', don't forget to rest up!

I’m home now. It’s been a big week but a good one.

Yes I talked to the nurses about being scared of going home. They came up with some other discharge options, but by then I had calmed down and felt ok about leaving. 

One of those nurses said something about them not going away if I need anything, and I’m part of the family now. Which was really sweet. And today I got a ‘courtesy call’ from the clinic (might have been that same nurse) just to check in on how things are going since discharge. I’m booked in for the outpatient program starting next month, I like having treatment plans. In the meantime I want to go through the course content again thoroughly and put sticky notes around my room and set (small) daily goals. I have been feeling very motivated and productive sine I’ve gotten home, see how long that lasts lol.

Also since getting back from hospital I have this strong urge to just change everything about my life. That may be a slight exaggeration, but that’s the general feeling I have. So far the only thing I’ve done is start re-decorating my room (a place I spend a lot of time in) and throwing away old books. I also really want to die my hair to something very obviously different, which I’ve never done before (I have blonde hair and am currently thinking much lighter blonde streaks/highlights, or red streaks/highlights… I’ll give myself a week or so to think about it). I’ve briefly thought of lots of other random things that I’m probably not actually going to do, like re-painting my bedroom, getting a new car, changing my name, buying a whole new wardrobe, changing my long-term favourite colour, getting another ear piercing, changing half my hobbies and more. I could change the rugs and curtains in my room, that’s a bit less drastic. 

I think since coming home I feel I need a fresh start. But thinking about changing my whole personality is something I’ve never been through before. It’s kinda weird. I just feel like my head and therefore everything else in my life needs clearing out and changing. But the strength and severity of some of these urges are weird. Is this all hypomania…??? Idk not everything is necessarily bipolar.

And another random thing, in group therapy we talked about things like radical acceptance, accepting reality literally for what it is. But my mind then automatically jumps to ‘but how can we know what’s real? For all we know we’re just imagining everything.’ That’s not a new thought but it was one of those moments where I was like ‘huh. Maybe not everyone thinks like me.’ 

In year 10 English (pre-mental health diagnoses) we watched the Matrix and I connected with its concepts about reality and not knowing what is real SO MUCH. There were some lines in the movie where I was like ‘this is exactly how I feel, finally someone gets me!!!!’ Like I literally wrote a whole English essay on the topic of it making you questioning reality and when my English teacher read the draft she applied it to things like not trusting the media. But I was applying it to not trusting life in general. Another one of those ‘huh. Maybe not everyone thinks like me’ moments. Later on I learnt about dissociation and realised that’s also exactly how I feel lol.

It’s going to be a bit weird going back to work this week. Even though I was in hospital the whole time and I like my job, it was still nice just having a break from it. I’ve got this long weekend to adjust a bit to ‘real life’ again.

Hey there @Akinna 

It sounds like yesterday was a huge day for you, and I can understand how you'd be feeling exhausted, tense and nervous about leaving the program. It's good to hear that you'll also have the opportunity to do the 12-week program, though - staying connected to your support at the facility might help with the understandable nerves about returning to the "real world". 

It's bittersweet to feel safe and secure in that environment, knowing you'll need to leave soon. You mentioned that you should talk to the nurses a bit. Did you get a chance to do that today? 

P.S we've sent you a check-in email when you have a chance to take a look 😌

It’s been a bit of a rough 24 hours.

Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight because it took that long to calm down my suicidal and self harming mind. I spoke to the night nurse a little. Then I woke up feeling the exact same. So I was feeling very tense at the start of therapy and could not focus at all on the starting mindfulness exercise like everyone else said they did to some degree. Partway through session one I went to the toilet to cry. I was feeling a bit calmer by break. In the afternoon my family came with afternoon tea and card games which put me in a better mood.

Then just before dinner I talked with a nurse a bit about various things. I had the option of Thursday or Friday discharge, and I chose Friday (my psychologist said to stay as long as I need to make the most of it). After dinner I did some journaling about the day/DBT content and why I’m finding it so hard to engage and how frustrating it is. And then I started crying. 15mins and a shower later I was still crying  massively so I actually hit the staff call button in my room. I’ve calmed down a bit more but I hate this.

It’s frustrating when treatment is helping others more than you, even when you are trying and have been for what feels like forever. I’m aware of reasons/mental barriers why I find it almost impossible to actually apply the skills I’m learning, but I can’t imagine overcoming them, even the ones I’ve been talking about with my psychologist.

I’ve chosen to do a 12 week, one day a week DBT follow on program. There’s also the option of a two week intensive inpatient program. Right now I’m second guessing my outpatient program decision…

When I leave on Friday I will go back to the ‘real world’ where I have to constantly fake and push through, putting on a smile around everyone and dragging myself through work.

Here I don’t have to fake anything, I’m here because I have mental health problems. I have restricted access to self harm and suicide methods. It’s easier to ask for help because the people I’m surrounded by are literally trained to do that. It’s also a pretty nice place too, it’s living up to its reputation. I’m going to miss it here. It feels safe and comfortable. I’m not sure if I want to leave.

Another two weeks inpatient would just mean another two weeks of my life disrupted. The main thing I would feel bad about is being a bit annoying with work. And my parents would have to adjust to that idea. And even if I did choose the two week inpatient program, I don’t know when the next availabilities are.

Something to think about. I might feel differently tomorrow. I should talk about it with the nurses a bit.

I’m tired. Which is to be expected.

Hi @Akinna , thanks for the update. It sounds like all in all things are going pretty well so far. I can definitely understand your reaction to feeling the best you have all day, it can almost feel wrong to feel okay from time to time when you're in the process of seeking help for some heavier stuff. I say enjoy the small moments of feeling okay, you deserve some lightness in all of this. 

It's great to hear that you're learning lots and that group therapy is going better than you expected. Some of the lessons therapy has to offer are tough to swallow, but you should be really proud of yourself for being open to the experience and for allowing yourself to open up. It's okay if there are still topics that feel sensitive and private for you, it takes time to build trust and connection, but it sounds like you're really giving your inpatient stay a red-hot go 🥰

I’m feeling pretty comfortable here.

I can see their notes about me on the iPad in my room. It’s pretty cool. Although this morning’s notes were a bit inaccurate. They said ‘mood good’ (I said depression), and ‘ongoing anxiety’ (I said I wasn’t too anxious). 🤦‍♀️ Other than that it’s pretty good and very interesting.

And right now I’m feeling the best I have all day which makes me go ‘crap crap crap I can’t feel like this I don’t deserve this.’

This is the first time I’ve done group therapy, and I like how it feels like there’s a bit less pressure on me. I like it better than I thought I would. I’m opening up a bit too which is good, although you can’t talk too much about sensitive topics.

@Akinna I think it's okay to not really know how to feel - I can imagine you're in a bit of an adjustment period, and it might take a few more days to find your new routine and settle in proper. 

When you do feel more comfortable, those thoughts about giving up could be really helpful to share in your DBT group - I can imagine you may not be the only one who feels that way. And then you could have an opportunity to work through those more physical feelings along the way too. Also, I think you're super brave for being so open about things, and very glad to hear you're feeling well supported along the way. 

It warms me to hear that you are having this kind of experience. I imagine it's not without its own challenges for sure, but appreciate you giving us an update about how you're going, and look forward to hearing more in the future - as much as you feel you want to share of course 😊💚

So I’ve made it through my first day inpatient. It’s gone pretty smooth. I don’t know how I feel about it though

I have my DBT group in the morning, then nothing compulsory in the afternoon (I’m glad I brought activity books because there is the potential for me to get bored here)

I’ve already learnt a lot from this morning’s DBT group. I related to a lot of things, it was interesting. We were looking a lot at mindfulness. More food for thought… although I did find myself having my automatic therapy reaction of feeling overwhelmed then feeling like this is too hard and thinking this is all pointless and I may as well give up, with my chest tightening up and my breathing feeling a bit more shallow.

There’s a public holiday on Friday. It’s good that it’s one less day I have to take off work. But it means our five day course is condensed into four. But as the occupation therapist who is taking the course pointed out… this is just a primer course, and the idea is for it to lead to a longer course.

I don’t think I realised I would see a GP. It was really handy because I needed to make a GP appointment about a few things. Although now I think about it there are a few more (non-urgent things) to mention one day.

I have spoken to so many people and filled out soooooo many questionaire forms.

I seriously am so fortunate to have so many supportive people in my life.

Hey @Akinna ,

How exciting yet scary at the same time!

This is a big step, yet one you'll have to try for yourself. 

As for meds, usually the psychiatrist sees you and the hospital itself dispenses the medication. People don't normally bring and take their own medication. If in doubt, it's good to ask them.

As for mindfulness, it can be negative at first. But over time, as you understand the science behind it and practice it, you will see the positive side of it. There is sooooo much to learn. So good to hear you've got your handy dandy notebook ready too! 

I'll be ready and waiting to hear how it goes. Just expect the nerves to be there and know that that is normal.

Take deep breaths and seize the opportunity!

That’s so true @Chloe-RO  that growing pains hurt and you can only take one step at a time. I already have a new notebook to take with me.

I’m a bit worried about how I’m going to go with engaging with the program. For example… I can find information about the course on the clinic’s website. The first topic on there for the course is mindfulness. My mind automatically goes ‘oh crap’ because I find mindfulness scary and I’ve had more negative than positive experiences with it. I guess I know I’m going to be going out of my comfort zone, and it’s going to be hard. Everyone says it’s tiring. I just hope that I’m actually going to be able to make the most of the course and it will actually help me. It would suck for just something else to not help me. It would suck even more if it didn’t help because I didn’t try hard enough.

You guys may or may not be able to answer this logistical question, especially as I’m sure there’s the potential for different hospitals to do things differently… I know they lock up your meds. I have a daily medication organiser. I’m only booked in for the week. Should I take in that medication organiser, or my med boxes, or both? I probably should have asked, and I’m probably overthinking this. But if you guys have any past experiences I would appreciate that.

Only one more day to go…

Hi there @Akinna ,

You have been so patient in seeing this process through. How incredible that you've had people to support you. Yes, it certainly does sound like you have been very fortunate to get in, especially when when others say it is very hard to get in. You really honestly deserve it @Akinna .

As for how you are feeling now, it is certainly very understandable. There are so many question marks ahead of you. So many unknowns. So many concerns. I'm kind of feeling butterflies in my stomach as I read your post. Then I take big deep breaths to help me relax.

Go slow to go fast @Akinna . Take one step at a time. Take as much as you can in in those few days you have there. Some people find taking in a notebook helps so they can write things down. It really helps consolidate learning.

Growing pains hurt. It is hard. Yet worthwhile.

I look forward to hearing how things go for you. I'm taking big deep breaths alongside you right now 🙂

Ok I’m just starting to feel stressed about inpatient admission. Today I spoke on the phone with the hospital just to confirm all my details and they emailed me admission/hospital stay info. My brain has gone ‘oh crap this is real.’

I just want to crumple up into a ball.

But I have actually been counting down the days until I go in. I need this.

It’s this coming Monday for the week, that’s how long this program goes for. Although that doesn’t sound like long to be in there. I feel like I don’t have time to breathe sometimes. I’m scared of letting everyone down. 

Multiple people, friends/family/medical staff from different places have said that the place I’m going to is the best near me. Someone Dad told today (with my permission) was just like, ‘how did you get in? It is really hard to get in.’ Even though it’s been a ridiculous process to get in, we have been very fortunate with some things.

I wish everything wasn’t so hard.

@Akinna - I'm taking BIG breaths on your behalf when reading your post. It is so good to read that you have such a supportive family. That is so important as part of one's recovery. You certainly deserve it.

Things are certainly moving. There is so much in your post detailing what has happened in the last few hours! How are you feeling with all the 'news'? Do you feel it is moving too fast, or are you more than ready of this?

We read there are elements of stress, yet also excitement. 

Do you have much knowledge of DBT? You may want to read of some of the therapies available such as DBT, ACT, CBT. Each has its strengths in supporting those experiencing emotional instability.

It’s been another interesting few days.

Thursday morning a met with a new psychiatrist who could admit me to hospital. It was an interesting appointment, but a good one. It was quite different to other appointments we’ve had. He was encouraging.

The main takeaway mum and I got was that I’m definitely on the mood spectrum somewhere between emotionally unstable personality disorder (which is apparently borderline personality disorder, which a cousin of mine has) and Bipolar 1. But it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where. Mood stabilisers are supposed to help people with Bipolar, but they haven’t been helping me. Bipolar 2 is a rather wide diagnosis, and the concept of it keeps changing. He said time will tell about what the most accurate term would be. Which we think makes sense. I’m only 18 anyway, plenty of time for things to change. I guess how I respond to DBT might also be a bit of an indication of what’s going on.

When he asked about self harm, Mum asked if it would be better if she left the room, so that was good of her.

He said it’s good that I have a supportive family. He commended me for realising I have mental health problems and putting in the work. He said it’s good that I’m young and on to it.

He gave me a referral to a five day DBT inpatient course. After that I might end up doing a 12-week, 1 day a week outpatient course.

Today we’ve spoken to a nurse manager and I am booked in for 3rd April. I did the screening questions for things like food intolerances etc. When she asked about suicide/self harm my mum (again) asked if I wanted her to leave the room. My Mum has been very good with that.

I’ve been able to tell my boss straight away which is good, she actually has a chance to organise stuff (it should work out pretty well, I’ll only be away a few days).

This has been exhausting to organise but I think we’ve gotten there. We’ve spent way more time organising it than I will be in there receiving treatment 🙄I still feel like my brain is spinning 😴

I think I’m still definitely going to struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve it and comparing myself to others when I’m there. Especially if I’m feeling a bit better, like I have these last few days. But by ‘better’ I mean not being surrounded by obsessive suicidal thoughts and barely being able to move and get out of bed. So that’s still not ‘great’ I guess.

Hey @Akinna ,

Sure sounds like exciting news! Seeing things finally 'move' can bring up a lot of strong emotions - both of excitement as well as apprehension.

Take those big deep breaths as you step forward into this unknown space.

As for confidentiality, it is definitely something good to raise with the psychiatrist. There are times and situations where some things are told to carers/family members, yet you also have an opportunity to air your preferences.

All the best with the appointment and we'll hold tight to hear how it goes.

Oh wow guys this is happening fast.

As you know, my inpatient admission has been a rollercoaster so far. The last info was we might have to wait until May/June to meet a psychiatrist, and get admitted if he wants. TODAY, as in JUST THEN, we were able to get an appointment to meet the psychiatrist tomorrow morning. TOMORROW MORNING. That is an amazing waiting time for seeing a psychiatrist, you can't ask for anything more. The receptionist said Friday tends to be a big discharge day, which means the potential to be admitted soon.

I wanted to cry when the receptionist said this. I'm terrified but this is good.

Now I need to get myself mentally prepared for this. I want to be able to explain myself. First I need to have a rest because I am exhausted.

It will be interesting to see how keeping the confidential stuff confidential from my Mum will go. I don't know how this psychiatrist does things. Will I get time on my own? If so, then that's the time for me to tell him my parents don't know about my most recent self harm relapses. If I don't get time on my own, and I'm not able to keep it confidential... if my parents find out, then I get admitted to hospital quickly, then I don't have to deal with their reactions to that. I don't know. I need to have a rest, but wanted to post this in case someone has time to reply before the appointment.

Hi @Akinna ,

Sorry to hear this process is taking longer than expected! I remember you mentioning that you were somewhat looking forward to this admission as a way to support you. It is understandable that you are feeling so frustrated and upset with the whole process. It seems like it is just dragging and dragging and the more you wait for it, the more frustrating the situation becomes! It's like putting all your eggs into one basket and waiting for something to happen... but then, you a wait and wait and wait!

On the flip side, it is so good to hear that you psychologist has been so supportive. It really makes a difference to know that someone is listening and really cares, and are willing to support you through the process because it can certainly be a daunting one! 

I hope you get some real solid answers soon. In the meantime, it's so true when you said you literally have to take one moment at a time. Whether it's colouring, stress knitting, or Netlix... it really is just about living in the moment. For now, it's not about making grand plans. but rather, surviving the next few moments.

I'm certainly hearing you and I hope things get better real quick. Just hang in there and know that you are not alone in this. 

Hi everyone, just wanting to share my latest update.

Frustratingly, I am still not in hospital. It’s been a roller coaster involving me hyperventilating crying one night, and crying in the car on multiple occasions…

The more we look into it, the more I can see how broken the system is. You really can’t rely on it, even when you desperately need to. Because chances are it’s going to let you down just as much, if not more, than it helps you. It’s felt like one step forward, 10 steps back. And this is even with supportive parents who can afford the needed insurance, a helpful psychologist, and a psychiatrist who quickly sends referrals. I don’t know how other people do it.

Next steps are to ring the clinic on Wednesday to see if a psychiatrist has accepted me as a patient. Worst case scenario is waiting until May/June to have an appointment and discuss the possibility of inpatient.

It’s so frustrating because we have done everything in our control and pretty much just have to hope for the best. I just have to make sure I get across how serious this is, which my psychologist’s report really helps with. I need to stop smiling and laughing when I talk about sad stuff, because I don’t look like someone with these issues.

My psychologist is amazing. We’ve been texting each other outside of sessions, me updating her and she providing a bit of guidance for the admission process. She’s on holidays for just under two weeks right now. But when I last saw her, she asked me to make sure I keep her up to date with emails. She said it might take her a few days to reply, but she wants to know how the admission process is going. I can see she genuinely cares. I feel very fortunate to have found her.

And I can feel my anxiety flaring up. I forget how bad it can be at times because it gets so overshadowed by my bipolar. Mainly perfectionism and people pleasing, easily triggered by work. It’s amazing how quickly I can go from viewing my bosses as amazing and perfect, to evil and out to get me, even when I know they’re probably not. It makes me just want to crumple inside, hibernate and give up 😭

And not only is it hard to use my coping strategies because my brain tries to convince me I don’t deserve it… but most of my distraction techniques haven’t been good enough either lately because my brain has felt like mush and I’m struggling to concentrate. Even colouring in is too overwhelming. So I’ve started stress knitting lol, found a random knitting project in my wardrobe that I don’t even remember starting. It’s repetitive and I don’t have to think too much. I can watch Netflix at the same time. And the wool just feels nice.

I’m just having to try and take literally one moment at a time 😭

Hey there @Akinna ,

What an encouraging post @Akinna !

Any change an be scary, yet also exciting. Scary as you don't know what the days ahead hold, yet exciting because there's a huge possibility that things will look different moving forward.

We acknowledge your incredible strength, and somewhat 'feel' the relief you must be feeling. 

We really hope this will be a new page in your mental health journey. Have you considered or written down things you'd like to achieve while you are in hospital? We may not achieve everything, but sometimes it's good to go in with a few things in mind so that you feel you are going in with a purpose. For example, recovery goals may be:

1. to re-establish a healthy routine

2. to get medication sorted out

3. to attend psychosocial support groups

4. to connect with others

5. to have respite

What do you think? 

We hope all goes well with the admission. Please let us know how things go. We'll be waiting to hear. 

All the best.

Hi @Iona_RO 

It’s been a big week.

My parents have bene extremely helpful with ringing the clinic, helping with referrals, and talking with insurance. The way my mum explained it to my grandma the other day makes me feel like they have a good view point on it.

My parents haven’t asked to look at the letter my psychologist wrote for the clinic, which is good because I definitely wouldn’t have let them read it. But I’m noticing that Mum tends to talk for me even where we’re talking about me or stuff I know a lot about. Like talking about the admission with my Aunty, talking about mental health with a friend who is struggling. I’m mentally like ‘Mum, I know this stuff, let me speak!’ It’s a bit annoying and eye-roll worthy.

Depending on who answers the phone, we’ve been getting conflicting information about the type of referral I need for inpatient. Hopefully the one I have right now is enough. If so, the lady Mum spoke to said I could be in within a week (which is scary/exciting/relief). But if I need a more specific referral then that will be more effort and will slow things down a bit. Thankfully my psychiatrist was able to give me a referral over email, which saved the time and money of an appointment.

It’s kind of surreal that I’m actually going to get some more help. These last few years I’ve spent quite a bit of time wishing I could be seen and get some more intense treatment in a hospital. And now I’m actually going to get it.

Nothing feels real but that’s normal. I don’t feel real, the world around me doesn’t feel real, and my problems don’t feel real. I feel like I’m on the verge of another ‘what is real?’ spiral. Haven’t had one of those for a while. I’m completely emotionally numb, which is also normal. When I’m not 110% depressed (like now... I'm probably like only 95% which is pretty good, but probably still someone else's hell) my brain tends to tell me I’m cured and don’t need/deserve help. Which is always confusing, especially when I’m (hopefully) about to get more treatment.

I read my psychologist’s letter and it feels like I’m reading about someone else’s life. It’s kind of confronting because I still don’t want this to be real. But at the same time validating because someone has actually seen my issues and has recorded them. My psychologist even mentioned anxiety in the letter, which isn’t really talked about much because the focus tends to be on my bipolar. But it’s weird.

Lots of stuff to work on 🥲