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Feelings about a friend

 

Dear [Name],

 

Everybody who ever left me is sitting in my chest; I wanted to be a real human, the kind who loved like a normal person, but I think I am some china blue ghost. Haunting my own resentment. Returning always to the obsessions and conflicts that I cannot resolve.

 

I can’t sleep at night. I am struck down by terror, that midnight you were asleep and I was screaming inside my head. Needed your arms around me to stop the panic but I am not the type of person that asks other people to touch them.

 

I tell myself that it’s dangerous to put your hope in people, because people leave, and then where will you be? But I can’t help it. You are all of my hope. You are the (rainbow) light at the end of this never ending dog’s leg.

 

You said you knew something was wrong, you asked me what it was. [Name], my head hurts. I am living in a cage. The walls say:

 

I don’t know how to fix this. You are too good. I want to move all the galaxies so they spell out your name.

 

Do you hear me? I am living in a cage, and you are not the jailer. I wish you were the jailer because I know you would let me out.

 

I want to write down every moment you ever spent with me so that when my memory blurs and fades I can still see you, your hair and the softness of your eyes. Sometimes I think about you and it doesn’t matter that the whole world has gone cold because you make me feel like there is warmth inside of my heart, radiating out through my fingertips.

 

I don’t know what I’m feeling or what to do about it. I feel that I have been bad to you, been short or ungrateful. Yesterday in the park: I was so tired, I’m afraid that you cannot love me after that. I never seem to do things well enough.

 

When I can’t see your face I can’t remember whether you love me or not, even though you say that you do. I want to see your face all the time. You are like the bones inside of me: necessary, easily fractured. I wasn’t able to survive until you came, steadying me inside out, a proximodistal friendship.

 

I want to be your friend but I want to kiss your face.

 

Please don’t be angry, love,

[name] 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

That's a beautifully written letter @DruidChild, parts of it really resonated with me. 

 

How did it feel writing it out? 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

Thank you @Mona-RO. I still feel like some parts of it aren't quite right yet. But in general it felt good to write it down. Remembering the good things about her helped me to cope with the irrational feelings of abandonment I was having.

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Re: Feelings about a friend

Remembering the good things is powerful, it's not our natural default as humans - well done on re-framing Heart How are you at the moment?

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Re: Feelings about a friend

Thanks @Bree-RO. And sad. I'm so sad right now.

 

 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

We're here to listen. Did you want to talk about the sadness or not as yet? @DruidChild

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Re: Feelings about a friend

I don't know what to say @Bree-RO. I'm sad most of the time. There is no light or warmth or colour in the world anymore. My friend is the only person who makes things feel okay and I love her so much but she's barely spoken to me today and there is a completely logical and valid reason for that and I'm not upset with her or anything like that but I just miss her and I'm terrified that she's angry at me or sick of me. I spoke to a different friend briefly and she basically heard my voice and immediately said 'I think you need to go to hospital.' I'm just so sad most of the time. There's no real reason. The only breaks I get are when I get hysterical and agitated, or when I'm with this friend. 

I'm hoping that I'll feel better when I start working tomorrow.  But I know anxiety will break down the respite, and that distraction will be temporary. 

I'm sad because I'm addicted to being around this friend and she's told me that being around me helps her too and I don't understand why we can't just be together all the time, even though logically I do understand and recognise that wouldn't be healthy anyway.  

It seems like such a stupid and insignificant problem, having feelings about someone. Like I deal with trauma and severe mental illness and having multiple marginalised identities and this is what's going to destroy me? Really? But I guess the sadness is as much trauma and mental illness as it is about her. 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

I mean I do recognise that I'm completely ridiculous. She did speak to me today and she said thank you and she loves me and to tell her anytime if I need anything. But I still feel so anxious and rejected. I think it's probably a borderline symptom. I know my psych thinks I have at least bpd features. 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

Hmm @DruidChild this post really touched me.

 

Again, even though it doesn't always help to know this, you are so very self-aware. Borderline traits can be such a paradox of emotions in our body. Attachment stuff is always challenging, it's human nature to have a need for attachment anyway, but for some of us attaching to a special person is a big deal, it is like oxygen. I can understand where you're coming from. I have had a similar issue recently with someone close - you are not alone Smiley Happy

 

Have you ever heard of attachment theory? It's quite simple to understand and helped me a lot in terms of figuring out why I depend on certain people so much, the sadness the ensues etc. It is certainly no overnight fix but looking back over time I have really reset my blueprint around self worth and depending on others etc etc.

 

I hope these insights help - we're all here for you!

 

 

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Re: Feelings about a friend

Thank you for the reply @Bree-RO. I really love how you said "but for some of us attaching to a special person is a big deal, it is like oxygen." That's exactly how it feels!! I'm sorry that these things have been hard for you as well; I hope this other person knows how lucky they are to know you ^__^ 

 

Gosh okay, yes. I used to know a heap about attachment theory actually I just never applied it to myself! I guess I always just assumed that I had a secure attachment pattern. But I just did a bit of revision and I definitely sound more anxious-ambivalent, or even disorganised-disoriented. 

 

Realising as an adult that maybe your childhood WASNT okay really fucking sucks.