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How can I feel like "I deserve"
I used to be a high achieving kid till last year. I moved schools in the last year of my high school and now I'm one of the dumbest kids here lol. I have been continuously receiving marks which the younger me would be horrified knowing. Every single term, I've had to undergo the same experience with my parents where they ask where I went wrong and why I'm not improving. To be honest, I really hate my school. I'm the only girl in my class and annoyingly the last ranker in that class. Due to this, there's always been a barrier between us and I've basically felt lonely throughout the final year. I don't really know why but my motivation has also gone pretty low for anything. I'll be honest that I haven't been studying a lot and yes it's my fault for not putting in the effort and receiving such marks. But I just feel like due to the continuous disappointment I've given them, I don't really deserve anything good. I feel like there's no hope left for me and that I should just give up on myself. Today, an incident happened due to my carelessness and I started crying. My parents asked my why I was crying and that I shouldn't be pitying myself. The real reason I was crying was because I hated myself even more for making such a careless mistake. But I couldn't really tell them how much I disliked myself because then they would get angry and concerned with me and call me mentally weak (which ig I am but it's something I rather not others view me as). And I was worried that they would also give up on me like I did on myself. I honestly don't know what to do. Now whenever the thoughts about me not deserving anything enter my head I just feel nauseous. I don't think I deserve to sleep tonight either nor do I deserve my study desk nor this laptop nor anything. I probably sound annoying but honestly I just want to be honest with how I feel. I don't know how to feel better so I can be more productive coz I have my last set of exams coming up in a month. Please help.
Comments
Hey @el21 thank you for being brave and sharing with us today. I know how scary it can be to reach out for support so I just want to say well done for taking such a big step!
Firstly, as you mentioned that you feel like there is no hope for you, I just wanted to ask if you are safe tonight?
I'm sorry to hear that so many things have changed since moving schools, I can only imagine how hard that would have been for you. It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you right now to do well in your studies which sounds like a LOT to manage on your own. I was wondering what supports you have around you right now. Is there someone that you might feel comfortable talking to about this? Whether it be a friend, a GP or even a school counsellor?
If you would like to talk to someone, we recommend reaching out to a service like Kidshelpline where you can talk to someone via phone or webchat 24/7.
You mentioned that you don't really deserve anything. Do you mind me asking if this is a new feeling for you, or is it something that you have been experiencing for a while? I just want to say that you are important to us @el21 and we are so lucky to have you here as part of our community.
After such a long week, I am just wondering what kind of things you like to do to relax. Is there something nice you could do for yourself tonight? We have a few great articles on Self-care that might be able to give you a few ideas on things you could do.
I'm also sending you an email too, so please keep an eye out for that.
I just want to say that you're not alone and we're all here for you 💜
Hey, yes I am safe.
I do have a bestfriend who supports me but ig she has bigger problems and at moments like yesterday I feel like I don't deserve her either so I tend to isolate myself.
The feeling of not deserving anything has been there since the start of the year. It doesn't usually affect me that much but there are peaks sometimes like yesterday.
I do have things I do to relax like sketching or just watching youtube but I couldn't bring myself to do anything at times like yesterday.
Thanks for the support ❤️
Hi @el21
Thanks for responding and letting us know that you're safe. How are you feeling today?
I can understand your hesitation to reach out to your friend if they are dealing with their own stuff. Is there a counsellor at school that you're able to speak with?
These 2 articles may be of interest to you, one is about managing stress and also talks about keeping a thought diary to help challenge negative thinking.
You mentioned that you like sketching, it sounds like you have a bit of a creative side. Do you ever incorporate that into your study, like doing mind-maps or colour-coding?
Take care 💜💛
Hey, I do feel much better today.
My school doesn't exactly have a counsellor funnily.
Thanks for sharing those articles and I shall have a look at them.
I do try making my notes as neat as possible with some colour coding but sometimes I just lose commitment to it due to low motivation levels.
Hey @el21
I wanted to check in with you and see how you're feeling today?
Having neat notes and colour coordinating are both really good ways to make it more enjoyable while studying. Like you, I also love having neat notes and colour coordinating - I also loveee creating mind maps and drawing little diagrams to break down the content. I know you mentioned that you have exams approaching and was wondering if there was anything else you could try to help you prepare for these/ make studying more enjoyable?
I noticed that you don't have any professional support available and was wondering whether this would be something you would consider getting? It's a shame that your school doesn't have a counsellor but I was wondering whether you could speak to a GP to get some support? They may even be able to provide you with an appropriate referral to a mental health professional. Is this something you would consider?
I just wanted to remind you that we are all here for you!