TW: I feel like I am being used as a therapist by my mum
Last night we had a family celebration, and my Nonna and Mum were fighting.
There was some miscommunication and both of their actions were understandable but misguided and made the night kind of unpleasant.
I talked to my mum about it later, but in retrospect I maybe should have waited because she had drunk a bit and was tired and riled up from tonight, but the thing is if I bring it up later I'm not sure if she would just get defensive and ask why I'm still thinking about it.
But she gets defensive a lot of the time anyways and I try to circumvent it and be understanding, and anyway everyone made up and the night went great and she seemed happy so I thought it was ok to talk.
Anyways I tried to tell her in the nicest way I could that (i didn't phrase it like this) maybe she could have used a bit more empathy when talking to my nonna, as she is getting old and it is understandable for her to get defensive when being asked if she needs help because no one feels comfortable when losing independence because of their aging. She got annoyed at me and feels attacked. I wish she wouldn't always feel attacked, what am I going to do against her? I'm a kid. She has so much power over me. She completely feels she's the victim and said aloud multiple times that she didn't think she did anything wrong. Which actually I think I see now how she could feel that, because she wanted to stand up for herself because she felt that nonna insulted her. But the thing is she did do stuff wrong (even if she had an explanation), she was rude to us and the waiter and vented to me and it's not nonna's fault she misunderstood mum, and she could have acknowledged that both of them felt hurt by the other and then proceeded to throw bullets and make each other feel more hurt and honestly I just wanted an apology.
I think she doesn't know how to argue and didn't learn to as a kid because the only thing she wants to do in an argument is have other people validate her feelings, which is a normal human behaviour but she isn't open to listening to anyone else, and if anyone ever dares to think of something different it's ganging up on her and she does everything for us and we're so ungrateful and stop talking like you know everything your 15 and I'm 50-something I know how to deal with this why would I need professional help? (obviously struggling and constantly stressed)
I just get annoyed, because it feels like she treats me as an adult and feels like she can vent all her problems on me, but if I bring up a logical argument her response is "You're not old enough to understand" or "You will never understand." She doesn't seem to account that maybe she won't get my perspective either, and my perspective is also valuable and I usually try to listen to her when she wants to say something but a lot of the time she interrupts me and just won't listen to me! I wish she would find someone to talk through all this with instead of me, because I treat it calmly and I just want to make up with her because it makes me so upset for her to be angry with me. It makes me upset to type this, honestly. She doesn't think she needs therapy but she is constantly stressed and I think it really strains our relationship sometimes. She tries hard and she is a good mum but this is a vent post and therefore I shall vent about her. Yeah anyways she gets uncomfortable when she doesn't feel like she's "winning" arguments and will just put blanket accusatory statements on other people. Honestly sometimes it feels like I'm parenting her, can't she just calm down? But I obviously can't tell her all this because then she will be the opposite of calm.
What also makes me annoyed is that she goes from saying my nonna is amazing and laughing with her to complaining about her and saying she's difficult and insulting her behind her back. That really hurts me. She kept on saying some people will never change but I don't believe that. It felt like she also kept on dumping on me with stuff like my nonna had a hard childhood but did as best she can to be a good parent and mum had a lot of fights with her and
This paragraph was probably the point of this entire essay (so sorry its so long). And she was dismissing whatever I said about maybe trying arguing without bringing up past arguments that we've already been through because I'm obviously not mature enough to listen to.
Sometimes when I'm crying and she sees me crying she bursts in and won't leave me alone, and when I don't want to talk to her she gets angry at me. And then she says I hurt her feelings for not talking to her, when I'm the one upset in the first place! I don't want to have to comfort a grown adult women when I'm already overwhelmed. It's like she wants the relationship where I tell everything to her, and if I don't she doesn't try to make a safe space or fix anything but just gets annoyed it's not the perfect picture relationship.
I feel super immature for typing this all out. because I'm completely blaming other people and I probably have some issues within myself (i admit that i made some mistakes in this situation and made it worse by getting frustrated at points) but the thing is all of this gunk is better in a place like here where it doesn't reach my family and make things worse. I don't want to vent to my friends too much either cause that's too much of a burden on them.
Comments
Hi @Indigo_Alligator , It sounds like your family environment is incredibly turbulent, and you are doing your best to keep the peace and promote understanding. From my experience, people who harbour a lot of defensiveness also experience a lot of guilt—this is not to excuse anyone but instead offer some insights into this behaviour.
Given what you have said, I thought maybe setting some possible boundaries (if possible) may be useful, but only if it won't create more contact or adversely affect your mental health. I only suggested this because you seemed overburdened by the emotional load you are currently facing.
In addition, I also found that sharing your challenges with others doesn't burden them but instead fosters a feeling of closeness and connection - we never know what others are experiencing and what they might want to share. But of course, this is up to your discretion as you are the expert of your own life.
I hope you are taking care of yourself. Sending you strength!!!
Hey @Indigo_Alligator, firstly I just wanted to welcome you to the community and thank you for sharing everything you have. I can hear that there is just so much going on for you and your family both from last night's fight between mum and nonna, and the ongoing relationships you have with each other.
Something which has really stood out to me is how much responsibility you have almost had to take on in supporting your mum, even when she doesn't reciprocate this in a way that is supportive and validating for you. It makes so much sense that you would feel like you are the parent in the relationship and it almost sounds like your feelings aren't considered and are even treated as inconvenient a lot of the time. It sounds like you do love your mum and wants the best for her but that these ongoing interactions have understandably been really upsetting for you. It can be really frustrating when someone we care about refuses to seek help, especially when their behaviour negatively impacts us.
Hearing about your nonna being verbally abusive to your grandpa as well as the generational trauma and alcoholism would be so much to process on top of everything. It sounds like you were able to get some of this out in the cry session but mum approached you about this and got angry with you for not sharing what was wrong? Or she has done this in the past when you've been crying?
I don't think you're being immature at all. In fact, I think you've been the opposite and have held space for how everyone else is feeling in a really mature and empathetic way. It's natural that you got frustrated at some points and feel like you could have approached the situation differently to have avoided the confrontation. But I'm hearing that you approached the situation in a really considered way and that most of this wasn't something you had control over?
I'm really glad you have felt safe enough to "vent" on here. You deserve to feel heard and validated and this isn't something you have to go through alone.
We have a few articles here about supporting family and yourself, as well as a page on conflict with family, which you might find helpful. You could also connect with a service like 1800 Respect if you ever needed to chat about family violence (e.g., about the verbal abuse of grandpa by nonna) or Kids Helpline if you wanted to speak 1 on 1 with a counsellor.
I did want to let you know as well that I've added a trigger warning and spoiler tag to your post and we'll be sending you an email to check in soon so please keep an eye out!
I hope you find the community a safe and supportive place
