feeling upset about my family's lack of presence in my life - am i a horrible person?
i am in Year 11 with a younger sister aged around 10 who is intellectually disabled - she does not need around the clock support where someone is consistently by her side working with her, she will be fine with minimal attention but just someone present in the house/at school etc. with her in case of an emergency as she may or may not be able to deal with a dangerous situation on her own
the reason why i set that up is because i have always felt very upset about my parents lack of involvement in my life after my sister being born, which they say is because they are stressed out and they have my sister to take care of. they pay for my every need and make sure i am fed and clothed and have everything i need (no abuse going on) and i know they probably do love me, but at the same time they spend very little time on me.
along with that they demand that i help taking care of my sister (when they are both also looking after her outside of school hours, she is never left alone or unengaged). which i don't have a problem with except they also have very high expectations for me in terms of academics and extracurriculars which take up a lot of time for me (which they are aware of but stilll demand my time). as a result of my busy schedule i have also burnt out several times and as a result i have been needing their support to do some chores which they have implied that is a burden on them. they have never showed up to a single award ceremony for me (often my teachers show up in place of my parents). they also complain about me constantly saying that i cost them a lot of money and that i am lazy and it is very difficult for me to hear because i am trying my best. often they dont know what's going on in my life too and expect to make all the executive decisions about my life, everything from booking my own doctor's appointment when i feel sick to filling out forms for things for me on my own.
my parents say it is very unfair of me to expect their attention when they have my sister to take care of (who i don't feel jealous of, i just wished they spent some time on me too) - and i am often told by family friends and even my own friends that i am a horrible person for doing so and that i am ungrateful and childish for wanting my parents attention after everything they have done for me. but i can't help but feel very lonely and upset that my parents see no issue with not showing up for me, and that they think i am ungrateful for expecting that from them.
does anyone have any advice on how to deal with feeling horrible about wanting my parent's attention despite my sister already being a handful for them. everyone i talk to essentially side against me from the get go. also how do i initiate a meaningful conversation about this without my parents without sounding ungrateful for what they do for me
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thanks everyone for reaching out to me, it genuinely tears me up as to how kind your responses have been. i feel seen and not so alone after a long time of not being able to open up to other people. i will definitely write down my feelings before i talk to them.
this post was actually timed very well because recently i have been thinking about moving out away from my family for university, being financially independent and detaching myself from my family and i think by reading this post i have realised that this is my way of like distracting myself from how lonely i feel at home. i haven't made any decisions yet because i still have a year to think about it but i have started to think i dont have to isolate myself anymore and i can speak out about how i feel.
thank you guys, i know we are just strangers but your replies mean a lot to me ❤️
Hi @catsarethebest !
Thankyou for being so vulnernable and for opening up on here, i'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. It sounds like you've been dealing with this for a long time too. You mention feeling really lonely and emotionally isolated within your family, but also jealous of the attention your sister recieves. It also sounds like you're feeling guilty for feeling all of the above as well. This all sounds super overwhelming.
I'd like to reaffirm that your desire for love and attention from your parents does absolutely not make you a horrible person. You are not a burden, you are not ungrateful. I think it's so easy to forget that our needs as people extend beyond physical needs for food and shelter and clothing, love and attention is also an incredibly important need. You can absolutely acknowledge the difficulties your parents face in caring for your sister, whilst also wishing that you were given more support too.
I think it's a great idea to think about having a conversation about the way you've been feeling with your parents. I think it would be great for you to write things out beforehand, just so that you can make sure that you get to say everything you want to say. I find that writing things out first always really helps me to navigate tricky conversations much more calmly, especially if i'm not sure how the other person will respond - you might find this helpful too! You might also like in the conversation to foreground all of the things you've mentioned here - ie that you're aware that your sister has complex needs that take up quite a bit of their time, and that you and grateful for the stability you have in your family life. You might also like to give your parents some tangible examples of ways that you've felt unsupported in the past/how you would like to be supported in the future - eg you mention that they haven't attended award ceremonies for you in the past. I think that giving people real examples like this is a great way to illustrate your points better, so that they can really grasp what you're saying. This said, these are just suggestions and only you know what works best for you 🥰.
I'm thinking of you and would love to know how you're feeling/how things go as you navigate this 💜.
thanks for reminding about how much i need love and attention, i have definetely been neglecting myself in that regard too. i'll definetely speak to them soon! thanks for your kindness ❤️
Hi there @catsarethebest
It sounds like this has been bothering you for a long time, I'm sorry to hear it. I think it's great that you help out and support your sister! However, it must be difficult with all the things you need to get done too, like school. Year 11 is certainly a busy year for everyone, I can understand your need for more time to yourself to get these things done. I couldn't even imagine having to juggle Year 11 and supporting someone like that. You are doing an excellent job, I hope you know that. Thank you for reaching out about this.
It sounds like your relationship with your parents is a bit difficult for you with their lack of meaningful presence in your life, like the not showing up to your ceremonies. I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to want more attention and love from them, the way your sister gets. It doesn't make you a horrible person. You deserve attention and love from your parents. That does not make you ungrateful or childish.
I can understand how lonely and upset you must be about the situation, it sounds like you've had a lot of growing up to do on your own and you've had to make a lot of your big decisions by yourself, as well as take on these huge responsibilities. Taking care of someone else is a big commitment and a huge responsibility, especially when you're still a minor yourself and your parents have a lot of expectations from you. It also sounds like they've been saying some hurtful things to you regarding this. I can assure you that you are not lazy, you are trying your best to cope with everything. That's all that anyone can ask for. You are doing a great job 💜
In regards to discussing these things with your parents, I would honestly just phrase it how you've put it here, such as "I want to talk to you about this. I don't want you to think that I'm ungrateful for everything you do for me, but I really feel that __________" and express your concerns. I think it's important to be assertive about this, but also use a respectful tone so that they are less likely to feel attacked and shut you down.
Best of luck @catsarethebest 💜
thanks for your kind words ❤️ i will definetely keep in mind what you mentioned about tone and phrasing my words. i have more confidence now that i can bring it up without making them feel upset, thank you so much for your advice
I'm so glad I could help you feel more confident @catsarethebest 💜
Dear@catsarethebest
I don't think you're a horrible person for feeling that way - your emotional needs are equally important. I can totally understand how hard it must be let go of that feeling of guilt. While it’s extremely easy to say, you definitely don’t need to feel ashamed about these emotions. In fact, I imagine that what you're describing is quite a common and natural feeling for those in a similar situation to you.
While your circumstances must be shaping you into an incredibly resilient and independent person, it's important to have people to support you and help you cope with burnout, especially your parents. If possible, it could be good to speak to one of your parents about your feelings privately, and then speak to them together. Like you've done in this post, definitely make sure to recognise their stress and emotions too, as it will hopefully help them see your side a lot clearer.
Those are just my two cents, I really hope that helps, and thank you for reaching out :))
thank you for your kind words and your advice ❤️ i will definetely think about speaking to them individually, maybe it will mean that i will make less general statements and speak to them specificially about our experiences together.
Hi @catsarethebest,
I want to start by thanking you for your post and welcome you to the online community forum 🙂
It's really amazing that you found this safe place to share what's been going on for you, and I want you to know that the whole community is here to support you.
From what i have read, i can see that you really care about your own well-being, and i want you to know that it's amazing to see. You should be so proud of the steps you've taken towards looking after yourself and voicing how you feel, it can be a very challenging thing to do, it's incredible to see.
I can amazing that stating these feeling can feel like you're 'going against your family', however i want you to know that you have a right to feel fulfilled within your relationships and treated the way you want to be treated. Families can be a challenging experience to navigate, even when the presence of a disability.
I can imagine that with your parents attention on your sibling that you might feel pretty alone and perhaps a 'burden'. I want you to know that a burden is something you'll never be especially to your parent, you are first and foremost their child and even though their attention may seem elsewhere that you're more than deserving of their time.
You mention that you don't feel jealous of your sibling, and while i want to commend you on this i also want you to know that it's more then ok to feel these feelings, it's doesn't make you a bad person. You're only human and feelings are natural parts of who we are, It is important however to feel comfortable to be able to express these feeling when needed.
I'm wondering if you've been able to communicate to your parents about how you've been feeling lately - or if you have any other supports you can reach out too such as other family members, friends, or a counsellor?
I wanted to provide you with these two links to different articles ReachOut has on communicating with your parents.
* 5 ways to get your parents to listen
* How to deal with pressure from your parents
Again i want to thank you for your post and please don't be afraid to reach out for support 🙂
hi, thank you for your response and your kindness, i do feel very welcomed here ❤️ i don't have many people in my real life that i have spoken about this to, however i do have a childhood friend that i think i can confide in. thank you for the articles you have attached, i will definetely have a read.
