i don’t know what to do
i’m 17, and for as long as i can remember my parents have always had a tensioned relationship. whether it’s about their children, money, or something they can’t agree on (big or small), it always ends in tears and anger.
as of right now, it’s passed new years and for the last 2 weeks i’ve never felt more mentally lost and tired than i have now. my dad drinks a lot, almost every night. mum says he does it to escape the pain of a back injury he had before i was born, but i think it’s also to numb his mind as well. he’s a gentle and funny person, but he doesn’t know how to talk to his wife when she’s upset. “oh darl, come on.” he swears and snarls insults at her like she’s no one at all. she cries and says to me, “there’s no use. he’ll never change. i’m sorry. it’s all my fault.”. even conversations i have with my mum transition into a venting match about what we can do and if we should leave or not.
he tells me “it’s none of your fucking business!!!” and i scream at him back. because that’s all i can do. the anger i’ve built up for all my life is now reaching its limit. the look in his eyes reflect a man that i am starting to feel unsafe around.
i try to give mum advice, but she rejects it by saying “he doesn’t listen. he won’t ever change.” and every time i feel like im drowning.
i need help. i want help. i live about 20 minutes from my closest friend as well as the closest town. i don’t know how to cope anymore.
Comments
Sorry to reply a bit late, how have you been feeling this week? has the atmosphere at home been ok?
It's hard living with parents who have a strained relationship, and it's really admirable that you've been dealing with this for so long. I'd just like to add a bit from my experience - I often felt the need to step in to mediate things, give advice and say a few words to anyone I felt was being unreasonable. You mentioned that convos often turned into a venting match, and I understand when that happens it's quite a bit draining and frustrating. I found that no matter the efforts I put in or words I said, more often than not things just went in circles, perhaps even got worse and I left feeling more upset and frustrated. Does this somewhat resonate with what's been happening for you?
I want to mention that it's always okay to put yourself first. From what I've seen, once conflicts happen, and there's not much that can be done but to let it play out and wait for things to pass; so the most important thing is that you can focus on get through every day feeling okay, or at least a bit less overwhelmed and tired. I find it helps to wear earplugs or listen to music with earphones to block out the sound if there's yelling or banging, it's worked for me quite often. I understand the anxious feeling from being alert for loud sounds around the house, especially when the atmosphere's already tense. Or if it's an uncomfortable day at home: just going out to shop around or going to a library or hanging out with friends works surprisingly well to take a break.
You honestly seem to have such a beautiful heart to feel bad for laying your feelings on your mum. Your wellbeing is just as important and making sure you're ok is a priority that comes before anything else ❤️ so there's no need for any guilty feelings. It sounds like life's been really tough for you guys recently and you both have been so strong for getting through it every day. It does seem like your mother's been having a tough time; has she been able to get support or find a way to manage?
hope things have been a bit better, feel free to chat or vent more here if you need
Hi @Gentle_Pelican,
Welcome to the ReachOut community and thank you for so openly sharing your situation. 💛
It sounds like you're carrying a lot right now, and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed with everything going on at home between your mum and dad. This is as I recognise it's not easy watching your parents struggle, especially when it feels like the things going on are out of your control.
I think it's great you're able to recognise that you need support. I know it can feel isolating, especially with the distance from your friend and town, but there are people and resources available, even if it’s online or by phone. I'm wondering if you've tried reaching out to others in your personal circle or more professional bodies such as the helplines suggested by @Stormy-RO?
From your post, it’s clear that you're a kind soul who cares deeply for those around you, which is truly special. But it’s also important to remember that caring for yourself is essential too. As @PotatoLeaf mentioned, taking small moments for yourself, like going for a walk, journaling, or simply resting when you can, can help nurture your well-being during this tough time too.
Please remember that you're not alone in this, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. 💚
to reach out to anyone else before except for my friends. they’ve seen me
cry more time than i can remember haha. but i’m not opposed to the idea. i
have anxiety and i’m nervous about crying in front of people, which is
stupid i know, but i’d prefer a service that provides young, queer or trans
people who have also experienced such trauma as me. that’s why i’ve used
this platform as a starting point 🫶
you’re absolutely fine, don’t worry about the late reply !!!
this week has been easier on me thankfully. mum and dad apparently had a
talk about thing and about how they feel. i never thought that could be
done but it seems they’re being more considerate of each other’s feelings,
as well as my own.
i also use music as an escape, i also find it easier to get through the
hard parts. but at the same time the pain of not helping my mum when she’s
being snarled at by my dad makes me feel awful, as we always lean on each
other for support when we need it most.
you have no idea how lovely and sweet it is to hear that you think i have a
good heart ❤️ it means so much to me, as i believe that i’m selfish and a
burden to a lot of people around me. so thank you.
my mum hasn’t really tried to reach out to anyone professional. i tell her
that her friends are also there for her but she doesn’t wanna bother them.
i suppose i’m like her in that regard. she believes that nothing will
change if she does reach out, because she thinks dad won’t ever change. the
pain and trauma he went through as a child still clings to him and
therefore hurts the people he loves.
other than that, i’ve been okay. i start year 12 in a bit more than a week
from now so that is stressing me out but that’s normal i suppose. thank you
for everything ! i truly, truly appreciate it 💞
hi @Gentle_Pelican what a relief to see this! it feels like a miracle when communications end up working out and they tried to get it together after realising how it's impacted you. Personally I like to note these small moments to remind myself that while my parents aren't perfect and certainly have their own issues to work through, they still try their best for me. Life has its ups and downs, so I'm glad things are looking up for you now
and you are definitely not a burden; if anything, you seem like the most wonderful kind of person who carries burdens for others 💓 Supporting others is draining and requires a lot of energy and giving from your end. I completely understand feeling guilty about not being there for your mum, because I've experienced the same very often, with both friends and family. I've realised (and you might've felt this too) that when I'm feeling upset or drained, I can't seem to think of the right things to say, and things end up getting more confusing and overwhelming for me and the person. At least theoretically from my experience, supporting someone always worked best when I took enough time to settle my own feelings and regain some energy - could take a minute, a few hours, a night or two.
But in the moment, it seems impossible to do anything but to go and support someone. So I found that when I'm feel tired and overwhelmed (and this probably isn't ideal, but it's for when you really really want to be there for someone) I find that just sitting and letting them vent while hearing them out helps. Perhaps not even fully absorbing their words, but just giving affirmations and nodding is often more than enough, and often much better than feeling frustrated when my advice/ suggestions were continuously rejected. Sometimes people just need an outlet to express their feelings, because it's kind of cathartic, and saying it all out loud helps them organise their thoughts and settle their emotions by themselves
and it's honestly so mature that you're considering how your dad may be hurt from his past. The people around you are so lucky to have somebody as understanding and open minded as you. Although even if he hasn't had a great childhood, it doesn't really excuse hurting others. do you know if your dad has gotten some professional help to work through these things? if not it's okay, my parents don't really turn to professionals either ~ and in any case, before supporting or having difficult conversations with them, just making sure you look after yourself first is priority ❤️
One more year of schooling to go! Sorry that you've been stressed, and yes that is very normal and happens to everyone. Once term starts and you get into the flow of doing things bit by bit, you'll feel less like a ship without a rudder. We'll be here if you need support, and hopefully there'll be teachers and friends who have your back, so no need to worry and, I'd suggest spending the last of these holidays doing what you enjoy by yourself or with friends 🙂
I've just graduated school and I've got a ton of things up my sleeve - academics or friendships or just life-related - that I'd love to share if you ever want any advice or support about navigating Year 12. I have written quite a lot so don't feel obligated to reply, or address all of it if you do reply. Just hoping this helps, and if you'd like, I'm very happy to keep chatting here!
hear this for a long time. its so affirming that i can talk to someone e
who’s also been through the same things as me. my dad has never reached for
help, he only reaches for the bottle and cigarettes. he doesn’t even have a
phone or anything like that, so it’s hard to get him to do much at all.
i am hoping year 12 will be good to me. i have a partner at the moment
(going on 8 months now, my longest ever relationship ❣️) and he’s so
wonderful. he’s also been thru a lot and has been in foster care since he
was young, so he struggles to trust people as well as communication. but i
think that is something im okay with, for now anyway. it might sound weird
but i like the idea of someone finding peace and safety in me when they
need it most, like something i never had when i was young. i hope he can
find that in me someday, when ever he’s ready.
he’s a year below me but 2 months older than me, and he got me through year
11, first as a friend and then a partner. i love him a lot.
i’ve also faced discrimination at school for my sexuality and identity.
i’ve also seen my friends undertake bullying as well, and it’s the worst
part about being in an environment that can’t exactly protect from young,
immature children. but i’m older now, and i’m seen as an advocate for our
schools LGBTQIA+ community, which is just so cool and i’m so happy to be
able to support others and share my experiences.
my friends are always so supportive as well. our group is diverse and full
of different age groups, so it’s never quiet haha.
i’ve rambled on 😅 but those are just a few of the things that i have at
school that i’ll make the most of in my final year. to be honest im
terrified of leaving. im scared that my anxiety will make life harder for
me, because it certainly has made my final few years of school so hard.
i’d love to get any advice from you !! anything will help 🫶🫶🫶
Hey @Gentle_Pelican
First of all I wanted to welcome you to the ReachOut community. Thank you for sharing what has been going on for you, it takes a lot of courage to talk about your own mental health and family and you should be proud of taking that step ❤️
I can see that family is important to you, and in these moments where your dad is being verbally abusive you really want to protect and support your mum from your dad. That is a really courageous and selfless thing for you to do and I wanted to commend you for it. At the same time, it sounds like you need some support in this situation and that it is really affecting your own wellbeing. You mentioned that your closest friend is 20 minutes away, I was wondering if you have any other supports closer to home, whether that be online connections or relatives? Do you have places you can go to help regulate yourself after these difficult moments?
I was also wondering if your mum knows how much you could use the support in these past few weeks?
It may help to get in contact with a service like Headspace and Kids Helpline who can give you that extra support with your feelings of loss and coping. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to look after yourself this evening? That could be taking a walk, listening to music or doing something creative.
We want to check in around some of the things you mentioned in this post over email, could you keep an eye out for that? ❤️
lately, if you couldn’t tell. i do have a few online friends, but not close
enough to me that i would vent to them about anything. and my relatives are
pretty far away from me. my mum lost her mother not long back and that’s
another thing that has been affecting her especially, and her sister has
recently been diagnosed with brain cancer, which is another hard hit. i
told her tonight after she cried to me again that i am ready to talk to
someone about how i personally am feeling because i feel greedy and guilty
bagging that on her. she feels that she herself has tried everything, and
she just can’t stop apologising for making me and my sister suffer so long.
after the conversation was done i walked off and sent that message to you
guys.
i have many distractions that i can use during those hard days, but im
afraid that the tension and stress still hangs in the air after i come back
to the house from a walk or a nap. i love my home, but im always alert,
always making sure that each sound i hear isn’t harsh words being said or
something being banged hard in a show of anger.
i’m keeping my physical body healthy, though my mind is always running 100
miles an hour and all i ever do now is nap. i take anxiety meds as it is,
because the trauma i’ve experienced from my family life has made me so
anxious that i don’t even have a job or my licence because im so afraid of
being judged and embarrassed. anyways, im rambling away from the topic at
hand.
i’ll be more than happy to continue to hear from you as well as talk back,
anything helps at this point, and i thank you for your validation. 🩷
Hey again @Gentle_Pelican I'm really glad that you connected with us when you were feeling isolated. The community has a lot of fun posts you can explore if you're looking for a little break from everything 😊
It's really hard to be there to support your mum with everything she's going through as well as looking after your own wellbeing. The fact that you've told her that you're ready to speak to other people about how you're feeling is an amazing step. I know it can be hard to reach out and the decision you've made to do this here is really admirable! It sounds like your mum could use some support to work through the difficult things which have been happening for her too, and I wanted to suggest she take a look at Griefline as a service she could call if she's interested.
I'm happy to hear that you have lots of distractions and overall love your home, but having it be a place of high emotions and constant tension is really tough 😞 I noticed you said that you take anxiety meds due to past trauma and that this anxiety has stopped you from getting a job or your licence. I was wondering if the treating professional who gave you this medication knows that things have been worse since the new year started? They might be able to do a review of your medication or suggest something else that might help. As I mentioned before, Headspace and Kids Helpline are two places you can go if you'd like to talk to someone in real time.
I hope you're feeling a little better after getting your feelings out here 😊 And that you're able to do something nice for yourself tonight!
