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Being a person is awful
I have been diagnosed with dysthymia at 16 after a two months ago after years of ill friendships, betrayal, discrimination and dead ends of people who i think could help me. I've had 4 of once closest friends tell me they never actually liked me, hated me and unjustly hurt me. My situtation after a year and a half of fighting for friends, im back at square one but i know where to help myself and i have people who i can tell about my situation
The pain of accepting your circumstances is constant and you have to try again and rebuild with no help. this has been my life in the past 5 months.
I've been stripped down to what it means to be human - to have my basic traits and my sorrows be neglected and unable to talk about. I loathe this feeling of wanting someone to give you attention on what has hurt you or distressed To not have basic human experiences. The pure neglect and isolation of having to live in your own head because no one you're interested in wants to do anything for you and being hopeless that those connections with people that give meaning to your life can't come to me because I've never experienced it. I have felt so hopeless that i have recently had the urge to die but that feeling won't be coming back because i find that logic stupid.
I feel as though what i need is for a person who is willingly to commit to talk to me everyday and someone who wants to make me happy but i feel that dream is fading more so each day. It may seem idealistic or a sort of hurtful hope to strive towards someone who would do something like that for me but i would beg for it.
I have to accept that i have wasted time with doctors and psychologists and i had to wait and suffer through this for no reason. i went through 15 sessions (15 weeks) with a provisional psychologist at headspace and that has not helped me at all and i still had to wait 14 weeks to see them in the first place. Going through with a GP and a clinical psych has been lacking for me as well. I've had 3 sessions so far with the clinical and i've had to wait a month until i can see him (it's been 2 weeks so far) to tell him talking therapy and other therapists may not help me in the future. I don't mind going on medication as to finally have some progress and my mum can only afford to pay every fortnight and not every week. It's all so sinister to me when i've had to prolong my pain for no reason, to have false conceptions that you can get better, to waste money on doctors who can't do anything for me.
I can't feel the care that people have for me because i don't keep talking to them or perhaps thats normal to not be have the similar type of bond you'd have with teachers and psychologists compared to friends
My dream is just to have people who are happy with making me happy and vice versa, to make memories with those people who have understood me and to talk about everything i want to talk about. I want to be a normal person but instead I have had to deal with my sorrows and hold stoic just to live tomorrow. Looking back on my situations there were times where i could have compromised things to make my life less stressful but in the end i've just had to mature and step up so quickly to be capable to live in this world. My dreams have been swept aside, but now is the time where i cannot waste any more time so now I just want to know where to look for these friends
having to fight for my life and to do these chores to dig me out of my hell is draining but the thing that keeps me going is the last hope that my actions will create the foundations of more options to increase the rewards and my life more bearable.
There is tragedy in always wanting people to help you and hope that people can actually do things for you and make your life better. But there is some comfort in knowing everyone and mental health professionals and those responding to this post can feel the same way.when trying to make someone else better and missing out on helping them. I'm so lost as to whether this can be helped but i'm so used to not having any correct help so i imagine whenever i do thing like this to improve my situation, there's no point getting excited for it because ill just have to wait to have results
I hate this life of having to cure your own illness for no reason, but at least i am fortunate that i don't have to find peace with myself forever - compare the feeling with someone living with a disability for example or accepting you have a chronic illness, it astounds me how people come to accepting their life.
I think about my dream every single day since April last year but i don't know if i can do that with what life may have in store for me. I know there's things i can do to help myself.
this is the first time I've done something like this of sharing my issues to people online and i plan to keep continuing because i don't know what can happen from it or if it will be rewarding. i want to live a normal life but have not had the luxury of friends and human connection
After everything i've said, where friends who don't want to do anything for you and you have just been lead to isolation, hopelessness and stress i get better at dealing with my depression each day and feeling possible outcomes. the thing that feels bad is the amount of time it will take to reach there. My chosen torture makes me stronger, in a life that craves hunger.
i wish people weren't so afraid of other people's problems and that teenagers were nice. god im lonely
the reason why this may be a bit of a mess is because im making myself right this and its kind of a lot of different ideas separately.
To live is to not run away
Comments
I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through.
Having to experience your close friends who said that they don’t like you which resulted to fighting, then to be emotionally neglected and become isolated, to feeling so hopeless because of the kind of connections you have with people, and going through many sessions with doctors and psychologists and thinking that you’re wasting their time - is a lot to deal with within the past 5 months. 😞
I get what it feels to not have anyone close to you treating you like the person that you and everyone else deserve to be treated with. It’s absolutely NOT okay for those close friends to tell you that they never liked you or hate you - especially if they don’t give you any reasons to as to why.
Do you perhaps know the reason why they told you that they never actually liked you and that they hated you?
You mentioned that what you need is for someone who is willingly to talk to you everyone and for someone to make you happy, and that is completely understandable for someone who is dealing with all of this right now.
You can always feel free to come on and post any of your concerns here if you need more support. You may also use the ReachOut PeerChat to book an appointment and chat with a Peer Worker there. 🙂
Alternatively, you can also contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or through WebChat to talk to a counsellor - Kids Helpline is a 24/7 counselling service so you can seek for a counsellor there at anytime. 🙂
It really seems that those sessions you’ve had with your psychologist at headspace has not helped you at all, despite going through 15 sessions.
I wonder if you’re able to talk to the psychologist about what’s not been helping you, or perhaps write a feedback to headspace and mention about how the sessions you’ve had with your psychologist has not been helping?
It sucks to not have people that you feel like don’t care for you, whether it’s from a family member or a close friend. 😞
You mentioned that you want to know where to look for some friends. Have you perhaps tried looking for a particular club or any other social event you can join that can allow you meet new people?
It’s totally normal to have these thoughts of wanting people to help you and hope that people can do things for you and make your life better. That kind of thought I think - is very common for people like us who are going through similar situations.
Right. I personally tend to question quite a lot of time as to why people prefer to see us suffer rather than wanting to help us?
It feels like we live in a cruel world, right?
But after all humans are just humans, and that’s something that we obviously can’t control and that we need to accept sadly - which of course, sucks and something that we would all need to deal with.
Like I mentioned before, don’t be afraid to post more issues that you have on here at the ReachOut Forums - as we are willing to help you and get the support you need from us, as you mentioned that this is your first time of posting and sharing your issues online.
I think you’re doing great and you’re such an amazing person for continuing to push through each day whilst dealing with all these feelings and thoughts that you have right now & have had in the past five months. That’s such a big step for anyone to take, and I hope you realise it too that you’re doing well! ❤️
I wonder if you can do something nice for yourself in the meantime? Like is there anything that you can do to take better care of yourself each day as part a distraction for whenever something’s bothering you?
You can take a look at this article about ‘5 ways to look after yourself’ and see if any of it helps you:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-look-after-yourself
Hi @AndyDufresne , welcome to the forums, and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment. I am so sorry to hear about the betrayal and discrimination you have experienced by people so close to you in your life. I can only imagine how hurtful these experiences have been for you. You mentioned that you know of things to help yourself, and that you have people who you can tell about your situation. I was curious to see if you would feel comfortable to share some of the things you have found that help when dealing with this pain?
Getting a diagnosis can be such a difficult thing to come to terms with. How have you been coping with the news of your diagnosis? I thought it might be worth sharing some stories that young people have shared about their experience with depression, in case you’re interested in hearing from others who have gone through something similar. You can read them here and here.
I really like the sound of your dream about making memories with people who make you happy and who understand you. I imagine many young people can relate to this feeling of wanting to create deep and meaningful connections with others. Have you ever shared your dream with someone close to you in your life?
I am sorry to hear that you have found that your psychologist sessions haven’t been very helpful. I imagine this is incredibly frustrating for you, especially when you’ve been putting in the hardyards to attend the sessions over so many weeks. I was wondering if you’d feel comfortable to share what your relationship with your clinical psychologist is like? Do you think you learned anything from your sessions with them at all?
We have an article on what you can do if nothing is working for depression. I wonder if there are any tips in there that could be helpful for you?
Just wanted to thank you again for sharing your story with us, it takes an enormous amount of courage. We are here for you.
I've read that article and it just invovles more waiting for me and consulting your doctors more which i am going to do. i don't like to read stories of depression and focus on myself and making myself happy as it is triggering to see other people succeeding or reminds me of the stress i have to put up with to get the outcomes i want. its a massive mood changer when i think im doing good things for myself today. I'm planning to post things about myself online because it may provide a chance for help. I just have to accept my circumstances each day and my misfortune which i get better at each day, the main thing i need help with is facing that, as it comes to mind when i am in a depressive mood or thought.
explaining everything that helps with my mood and all my plans with people is too much effort or maybe facing my depression and taking actions towards it is consuming. yes i have shared my dream with my mum and friends but they dont keep doing things for me, i think sharing it commonly with more people would help.with my therapists there are many things i've learned i cant remember everything entirely but it's just that i have to accept my sorrows, i have to put most action in myself to improving my life and making friends. and with tactics to make depression more bearable and easier to function in the day i only discussed the most with my therapist at headspace but he could only do so much because he was provisional and most of the things fell flat and i just had to do things that were in the moment or situational with my depression or stress with school work. there are always positive things i remember when im depressed though. only thing my GP has suggested is excercise or runs everyday and i should feel serotonin increases after 3 weeks and thus happier. i started intense treadmill runs at the gym every other day with progression (1st run, 9km./h 15 mins no water or breaks, 2nd run, 9 km/h 20 mins no breaks, 3rd run 10km/h 15 mins no breaks) i've been doing that for 3 weeks now and.. well im typing this so it hasn't done anything for me other than routine and something to improve at. I plan to go to a safe space on sunday and talk with some other people in my life and within the social space of school, and i suspect what you have to say to me hannah is going to go down the same route as my provisional psych as i've tried and understood things you've suggested. if you have any offer of help on this forum or know anyway to come to peace with my depression and how to just simply feel better and less alone say it to me now. there is no overcoming depression with where i am right now, i have to help my body's pain and what i want to do to help myself comes naturally. either go for a walk or listen to unfamiliar music for example.
I am really sorry to hear about how hard things have been for you. From what you have mentioned, it sounds like you are doing all you can to improve how you are feeling. It must be so upsetting to feel stuck and exhausted for such a long time. It is great that you plan to talk to your doctor again for further support. Is there a particular day that you will be heading to your doctor?
It sounds like you have tried a lot of different things and now have a good idea of what doesn't work for you. It can take a lot of effort to try new things, so well done on doing it, even if you haven't found anything to be that beneficial. You mentioned that you like recognising what good things you are doing for yourself each day but it is tiring to talk about what these things are to different people. You don't have to talk about it here but I wanted to say to keep reminding yourself of the good where you can! You also said that sharing your dream with more people would be helpful - would you like to share it here?
It is great that you have been able to learn things from your therapists and that you're able to remember positive things, even when you are feeling depressed. Attending therapy regularly can be draining for some people but it sounds like you have been really persistent and committed. You said that a lot of strategies with the provisional psychologist were situational or in the moment - do you know what would be more helpful instead? You also mentioned that your routine has improved and you have had something to focus on because you have been running. Well done on getting fit, running can be so hard! How do you feel about these changes overall? So happy to hear that you have a safe space to share your thoughts and that you are going there on Sunday
If you ever feel like chatting to someone who 'gets it', we have a service called Peer Chat which you can read more about here.