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Building new relationships are hard

Hi everyone,

I've followed Reach Out for awhile but I've never really gotten this far. But here I am (22M, He/Him) making my first post hoping to connect with others 🙂 I'm not too sure what to write but I'm just going to spill and hope I find it along the way! 

 

 

I left home 2 years ago to study in a new city and have been struggling to build friendships with people. before I left home, I found out my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me. This really compounded the loneliness I was experiencing and made socialising an activity I dreaded. Nevertheless I did (and still do) my best to put myself out there even when I feel embarrassed. Despite working on my social skills, my appearance, I still feel like a robot at times. not to mention all my friends back home are in relationships and look happy. I love my friends, they're so smart and the reason I push myself so hard academically (most of them went to med school, I do engineering). 

 

When I feel as though I've finally found someone who I can connect with and seems a great opportunity to build a friendship I get ghosted or they just don't talk to me and everything collapses. its crushing, I thought I could have had a friendship with this person. I opened up to one my buddies back home (we're close and fortunately are both comfortable opening up to each other) and he said to me "maybe you you're the problem". It hit me deep. How could it be me? I've been trying so hard to work on myself these last couple Years, to be a better person, to try be personable. But I felt he was right, maybe I was pushing too hard? I'm learning to take things slow with people now. I've met some amazing people in the 2 years (despite the often awkward first encounter) and as much as I'd like a friend like my ones back home, I find it almost impossible to build something meaningful with someone. even people who I would identify as the most extroverted, same age, everything in common, don't want anything more than a "hey how are you?". I guess that's my experience, I'm trying not to let it get to me and continue to try and build friendships (maybe even on this forum!).

 

As I mentioned above about my previous romantic relationship, it was a traumatic time for me that someone could do that to me. I thought I'd let it stop getting to me even after all this time, but it's something I still think about.

Spoiler
back then, I wanted to harm myself, I abused substances

. I've suppressed that behaviour now and channel that negative energy into my hobbies/passions (gym, soccer, running to name a few). Once I found out about what she did, I blocked her immediately and never spoke or saw here again, I'm proud I didn't retaliate my negative behaviour towards her even after what she did. but it wasn't easy.

It's been awhile since that time, I feel like I'm ready to find someone but It's affected how I talk to romantic interests, I feel like I'm using them as a mental band aid to finally move on from my last relationship. This is another mental obstacle but I'm working on it.

 

that all being said I guess I'm still healing, trying to navigate the emotions what I've been through, continuing to work on myself knowing the journey will have its ups and downs. I remember in primary School, I couldn't have been more than 8/9 and we learnt what depression and mental illness was (not too sure if that was a bit premature for our learning but anyway!). I just remember thinking to myself how stupid it was, like you're not in physical pain, just be happy. Now here I am 13 odd years later on a ReachOut forum. funny how we think as kids!

 

Has anyone moved to a new city and struggled to make friends? what did you do? Did you meet someone new after being cheated on?

 

I'm still spilling my mind, I don't know if it will fall on deaf ears (or blind eyes?) but I'm looking forward to being a member of this community and hope to contribute to future discussion 🙂

Samuelele
SamuelelePosted 24-10-2023 10:45 PM

Comments

 
Pacific_Grasshopper
Pacific_GrasshopperPosted 01-11-2023 08:00 PM

Yo, man. Where are you at? 22m too

 
 
Samuelele
SamuelelePosted 29-11-2023 10:19 AM

Hey! sorry for such a late reply - Im in Vic. 

what type of things are you into?  🙂

 
Mindful_Dreamer
Mindful_DreamerPosted 25-10-2023 09:02 PM

Hi @Samuelele

 

Welcome to the RO community! We are so happy you decided to be a part of our community and share how you are feeling with us, so thank you for being so open.

 

I am sorry to hear about your past relationship; being cheated on can really crash someone's heart... and it is not the right thing to do in a relationship, no matter the reason.

 

I am also sorry to hear that your closest friend told you that you might be the problem. You are not the problem here, and coming from someone who has felt like I am always the problem to other people, trust me, the right person will not see you or tell you that you are the problem, you are not doing anything wrong, you just trying to find your footing with adapting to a new city and still healing from your past relationship. 

 

These things take time, and if someone, especially someone closest to you, makes you feel like you are the problem, then they are the ones who have a problem with you. 

 

I just moved to a new suburb, too, and I have been struggling to find friends and build meaningful connections nearly my whole life; that can be a bit tricky due to the days we live in.

 

I think you are doing amazing by being so hopeful and not giving up, so I encourage you to keep going and focus on your healing journey. And you will meet many people on the way, some of which might be meaningful connections. 

 

Personally, I have tried a few things that helped me build my network, and it doesn't have to be a best friend type of connection; even having mutual relations and people to socialise with can benefit you long-term in many aspects. I started a new course at my local TAFE and did all my classes on campus since it's easier to connect with others face-to-face; I started a new retail job and am part of my student experience committee, which expanded my connections even more!

 

Activities and participating in different groups or events that interest you can help you meet new people, make connections, and start fresh in a new city! For example, I felt lost when I first moved to my current suburb earlier this year. Hence, I started researching what was around me, the council, youth services, the library and their events/groups, any volunteering opportunities, etc.

 

Another good resource I would suggest is the app Meetup

It is free, and you can find all sorts of groups/communities near your area by browsing hobbies/personal interests; that is a great place to start!

 

Let me know if you have tried any of the above; how did that go? Or if they sound helpful to you.

 

I look forward to your thoughts! Stay safe and take care of yourself. 😊

 

 
 
Samuelele
SamuelelePosted 27-10-2023 01:01 AM

Hi @Mindful_Dreamer

 

Thank you for your kind words and tips on how to meet people. I definitely have a "glass half empty" and pessimistic way of thinking which I think is the product of what I've experienced. when my friend said that I guess I was desperate for something I might be able to change but in retrospect it was actually not constructive or helpful to me. Thank you for reaffirming that to me. 

 

I think you're absolutely right, having people just to socialise with is great. Maybe I take that for granted more than I should. I have been chasing a friendship for so long I guess those casual conversations with people really go over my head. 

 

Thank you for your suggestions, my strategy has just been to go to things that I enjoy consistently and at a regular time to incorporate into my routine. I notice that I usually see the same people at places at the same time which makes striking up a conversation easier! I would love to do some volunteering, I'm graduating uni this year so next year I'll hopefully have some mroe time for things like that!

 

Thank you so much for your response.

 
 
 
Mindful_Dreamer
Mindful_DreamerPosted 30-10-2023 07:54 PM

Awww it was my pleasure to help you out and make you feel a little better @Samuelele

 

That is amazing!! 🤗 Graduating uni is such a big accomplishment you should be really proud of yourself for coming this far, especially from dealing with all those relationship struggles. 🥳👏🎉

 

I am happy for you! Can I ask what are you studying in uni? and what are you hoping of doing next year? 

 
 
 
 
Samuelele
SamuelelePosted 30-10-2023 08:28 PM

I study Civil Engineering! I've recently accepted a Graduate Engineer position for next year which I'm looking forward to.

 

I've spent a lot of my free time the last 4 years studying but with all of it out of the way I feel like I'm going to have so much time now I don't know what to do with. I'm excited to start some old hobbies again and go out a bit more 🙂 

 
Bel_RO
Bel_ROPosted 25-10-2023 03:13 PM

Hi @Samuelele 

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for reaching out for support and taking that big step after following the forums for some timeI'm also so sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. How are you feeling now after sharing this with us?

 

I can hear how difficult it has been for you recently leaving home to move to a new city, struggling to build friendships, and finding out that your ex-girlfriend was cheating on you. I can imagine how hard it was for you to try and socialise when you were already feeling lonely. There is an article here that explores loneliness in young men specifically, which may give you addition advice. Also, it is amazing to see how optimistic and resilient you are by trying your best to continue moving forward and putting yourself out there. You should be so proud of yourself! 

 

I understand that building a connection with someone is something that's been difficult for you lately. You are never alone as so many young people have a hard time finding their people and creating strong connections and friendships. I'm sorry to hear that the connections you have tried to make have ghosted you, it is not fair for them to ghost you though and make you feel like you could've had a great connection and friendship. Also, I can imagine how hurtful it would have been to hear your buddy make that comment towards you but it's awesome to see you reflect upon a negative comment which is an amazing skill and show's people that you are self-aware. It is also great to see you reaching out to a buddy from home and being comfortable enough to reach out and be honest and open with them. Being awkward is totally okay and normal, and many young people experience the same awkwardness when meeting new people. Once again, it's amazing to see your optimism and resilience by not letting these negative experiences hold you back! 

 

I'm sorry to hear how traumatic your previous romantic relationship was and how it made you feel. It is normal to still think back and let those thoughts and emotions of the past get to you. It is also fantastic to hear that you managed to find a way to cope by participating in sports and it's great to see that although it wasn't easy, you are proud of yourself for not projecting any negative behaviour towards her. I recommend this article here that talks about getting into a relationship and another here that may give you some advice on how to cope after being cheated on. Besides your buddy from back home, are you comfortable reaching out to other friends and family for support? I'm interested to know if you have considered reaching out to a professional to support you during your healing journey? If you're interested, we also offer Peer Chat for young people aged 18 to 25 which you can find out more by clicking here

 

We have sent you an email so please look out for that! 

 

We look forward to hearing from you soon.  

 
 
Samuelele
SamuelelePosted 27-10-2023 12:43 AM

Hi @Bel_RO

 

Thank you for your reply. It feels good to let out my worries to an audience rather than to a book, I tried journalling a year or so ago but never felt I could get into it. I know I have more to talk about and no doubt will post to some other spaces.

 

I haven't considered professional help, apart from a couple GP visits. Perhaps I could have benefited from that help earlier but mentally I'm happy where I am at the moment. 

 

I'm not comfortable discussing with my family. my parents have high expectations of me to succeed and they will see it as just weakness, they sacrificed alot to give me a good education. I knwo my father in particular as suffered unimaginable pain and I know my problems will never be as big as his, hence why im hesistant to ever bring anything up especially to him. 

Fortunately, I know i have one friend inter-state who I can talk to. I know if im ever feeling these feelings again I have them which is great. 

 

I will be sure to read through the articles you provided, thank you so much for linking them. I will explore the PeerChat. I have also replied to that email. 

 

Thank you

 

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