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Cultural Differences - Dating etc
Hello there, first ever post. I am an Indian man, 23. My family moved to Australia when I was a child, so I have grown up here. I am an average guy, studying a STEM degree in university. I am slightly on the introverted side, I dont really like to go to clubs/parties that much unless its with a good group of friends I know. I have been struggling with some observations I have had about dating in Australia. I feel as if other women who have grown up in Australia, don't show any interest in me. They appear to ignore me, their body language seems cold and unfriendly. They seem to be interested in guys who show more extroverted, party-type traits. Through university I have also made friends with many international students, mostly from asian countries. I feel that I get along quite well with the international women. They seem to show much more interest in me. This has left me quite confused? Why are international women treating me so much better than local women? Do local women mostly prefer to date white men? Is this due to the inherent racism in Australian society?
Comments
Hi @random23
I am sorry that you had to experience such situations. No one should be made to feel alienated because of their cultural diffreences.
Thank you for opening up to us. I can highly empathisze with your story as I am myself an introverted individual who doesn't like parties. Having such characteristics can make it a bit difficult to find the right people to hand out with, especially those who accept you for who you are and would not be too energy draining.
It's seems that you have a group of social support. You've found people who you get along well with...It's great that you were able to make friends with people from different backgrounds, but unfortunately, not all are the same.
In my uni, the international students have their own ethnic-national group, out of which only a few people would genuinely love to meet and make friends who are different from them. I think it's the search for familiarity to be connected with their own cultural identity, their home. And in doing so some people unintentionally (or even intentionally) push themselves away from people who are different. In your case it could be that personality, that similarity of the Aussie culture. Attraction has it's own laws of psychology involved.
As an international student with Indian ancestry, born and raised in a foreign country, I've experienced that alienation in a different context (suprisingly). Just last night I was travelling at night, and so the trains aren't as frequent compared to the peak hours. When I reached the train station the stairs to my platform was closed off and the lift was also not working.
The train was arriivng in 5 mins in that same platform and I was so confused. There was this other Indian girl who was facing the same confusing situation.
After asking here and there, to the train master finally announcing the change in platform withn a minute of train's arrival, I got to where I was supposed to be. The same Indian girl I saw earlier was also standing in front of me.She turned and we started a small chat before she asked whether I was from India. I said no I am from this country...she just nodded and turned to minding her own business, as if I had suddenly become invisible.
I can only imagine how this feels in a romantic context...😞
Look, as far as for your experience with finding the right woman, It may take some time. Good things always take time. Don't stress to much about international and domestic girls (this doesn't sound right, but you get what I mean)...
The main thing about dating is having that meaningful relationship with an individual. I get you have concerns about the outcome of the relationship....but you never know what can happen...whether it be with international or domestic students, it's finding the right one that would be the main concern. Keep faith, you never know what can happen....
It may sound unrealistic and a fairy tale approach but love is an exeception itself, so you never know the outcome....even if it didn't work out, wouldn't you be grateful that you got to create memories (at least good ones), and learn from that experience.
All the best in your search,
We're always here if you ever want to rant about something or just take things out of your mind.
Hi @random23 , welcome to the ReachOut Community, it is really great to have you here😊
Thank you for sharing a little bit about yourself and what you're going through at the moment. I am sorry to hear about your experiences with some of the women you've come across in Australia. No one deserves to be ignored or treated that way, it's incrediblely disappointing and a shame that a young person like yourself has to put up with such behaviour.
On a positive note, it is nice to hear that you have made some friends out of the international students at your uni. I am also wondering whether you have considered joining any clubs or groups at uni that interest you? Such groups can be great for meeting like-minded people that share the same interests with you, so it could be worth giving a shot.
Thanks again for sharing your story, we are here for you 😊
Hi @random23
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I would say that yes, there is still a lot of racism inherent in Australia and that could be part of it. But, I also think that generally people like to date people like them, even if they aren't being racist. The reason being, that it is usually easier to relate to someone like you, and you are probably more likely to meet them in your circles. People tend to hang around others who are like them because it feels comfortable, and these people rarely stray from those circles of people. Talking to someone who is from another culture or who looks like they are from another culture can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable so a lot of people don't do it. People don't like different, and this goes for romantic attraction too. BUT that doesn't mean that there aren't open minded people out there.
It likely also has a lot to do with Australian beauty standards. For a long time, what has been seen as beautiful here is blonde, blue-eyed, fit and tan. Unfortunately, these standards are still perpetuated today despite our country being so diverse.
I think that extraversion is also more desirable in Australia. We (unintentionally) show a lot of favour towards the loud, funny, "class clown" types of people, especially when we are young. It's hard to be introverted here when the culture surrounds being jokey, drinking a lot and being a bit of a party animal.
Hang in there @random23 ! It can take some time to find the right crowds of people and the right romantic partner for you, especially as an introvert. Hope you're doing okay and thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank you @dewgong for your thoughts. To be honest these observations I have had has made me feel fairly alienated from Australian society. Because I am not a party animal or extroverted type person, I have often felt a bit like the odd man out. The friends I made during high school were more extroverted and into partying etc, so I drifted away from them after school finished. As a result, I felt quite lonely in my first 3 years of uni, from 2017-2019.
From 2020 onwards tho, I have been attending more uni events and made lots of new friends who I feel much closer to. I have made some good local friends (mostly men) through my courses and events. I have also been attending many events which are predominantly attended by international students. This has made me feel much happier as I feel like I can connect much more easily with them, compared with locals.
The last 3 years is also when I really began trying to find a girlfriend. My previous experiences have made me feel that I can only connect with international women. In order to find a girlfriend, should I just stick to international girls? The problem is many of them do not stay in Australia and go back to their home countries, which makes me feel lonely still. I feel like the ideal girl for me is an international student or a recent migrant who wants to settle in Australia. The problem is, I feel like these requirements leaves me with a very small fraction of women in Australia who I can connect with.
Thanks for your reply @random23 ! I'm glad to hear that you have been able to make a lot of friends recently including both international students and local students. It mustn't have been easy to put yourself out there so admire your efforts and it sounds like they have paid off for you!
As for finding a girlfriend, I can understand that finding a romantic partner is very difficult and having expectations or ideas about who you want to be with may feel like you're limiting your options. But honestly, I believe that you will meet the right person eventually. I know you have had negative experiences with local women so far, but that doesn't mean that all local women aren't interested. Finding a romantic partner as a person of colour in Australia can take a lot of trial and error and that can be frustrating. But also, if you feel that international women are your preference, there's nothing wrong with searching for a romantic partner within those circles. However in the end, romance and attraction are not logical or statistical things and you may find yourself attracted to someone you never would have thought was your type. In my experience, you can't really predict or force these things. It can pay off to be flexible and avoid holding every person you're interested in to a set of requirements. If finding a romantic partner is a priority for you right now, perhaps explore dating different kinds of women and continue putting yourself out there. I believe it will happen for you someday and I hope you do find your person 😊
Hi @random23
Welcome to Reachout! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through some struggles with adjusting to Australian culture.
From my personal experience, as a person who was born overseas, people just tend to flock to others of similar nature. Other international students might also feel more introverted in an unfamiliar country, and it's easier to relate and get along with those people who might be going through the same experiences as you. I also would not put too much stress on trying to go clubbing and partying if that is not something you are actually interested in.
I have a good social life, but I personally never go out clubbing. I know there can be pressure at uni to have to attend all these different events, but it does seem like you already found people you get along with outside of that. I personally don't think it's about racism, however, I'm also not informed enough to comment on that any further since it's a case-by-case basis.
I hope this can provide some insight and that you are feeling okay about things 💙
Thank you @Anzelmo for your thoughts. To be honest these observations I have had has made me feel fairly alienated from Australian society. Because I am not a party animal or extroverted type person, I have often felt a bit like the odd man out. The friends I made during high school were more extroverted and into partying etc, so I drifted away from them after school finished. As a result, I felt quite lonely in my first 3 years of uni, from 2017-2019.
From 2020 onwards tho, I have been attending more uni events and made lots of new friends who I feel much closer to. I have made some good local friends (mostly men) through my courses and events. I have also been attending many events which are predominantly attended by international students. This has made me feel much happier as I feel like I can connect much more easily with them, compared with locals.
The last 3 years is also when I really began trying to find a girlfriend. My previous experiences have made me feel that I can only connect with international women. In order to find a girlfriend, should I just stick to international girls? The problem is many of them do not stay in Australia and go back to their home countries, which makes me feel lonely still. I feel like the ideal girl for me is an international student or a recent migrant who wants to settle in Australia. The problem is, I feel like these requirements leaves me with a very small fraction of women in Australia who I can connect with.