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? Fear of Romantic Relationships/Intimacy

Hi all, Well here goes nothing. I am a 22-year-old guy who is same sex attracted, and dreads engaging in romantic interactions or intimacy despite longing for a meaningful relationship. It is embarrassing to admit, but I am absolutely petrified of other guys, especially those I am attracted to. It makes me feel very isolated. I have never been on a date, nor been in a real relationship before. I have had numerous opportunities over the past several years to make new platonic friendships, go on dates, and become intimate with people I really liked; however, I always end up chickening out because I am uncomfortable or start feeling sick. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Has anybody experienced anything similar? I would like to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

Charcoal_Goose
Charcoal_GoosePosted 13-07-2024 07:28 PM

Comments

 
Ender_Wiggin
Ender_WigginPosted 20-07-2024 11:02 PM

Hey, thanks for sharing. It's brave of you to open up about this. There's nothing wrong with you—feeling scared or anxious about dating and intimacy is completely normal.

You're not alone. A lot of people feel nervous about relationships, especially if they haven't had much experience. Maybe start with low-pressure hangouts to build your confidence. You don't need to rush into dating.

Talking to a therapist could also help. They can give you tools to manage your anxiety and build confidence.

Take things at your own pace. You're worthy of a meaningful relationship, and with time, you'll get there. Hang in there. 😊

 
Charcoal_Goose
Charcoal_GoosePosted 15-07-2024 11:37 AM

***TW – Physical Assault*** Hi everyone, thank you all so much for responding, for sharing your stories, and your suggestions! It is nice to know that there are people out there that feel like me, and I really appreciate the validation you all have given me. I believe this issue I have may be stemming from a combination of trust issues and rejection. I used to be a very outgoing and extroverted person; however, the last five years of my life have been incredibly difficult due to being attacked by a customer at work, followed by the unexpected development of chronic health issues, and my dad nearly dying in a Motorbike Accident. I lost a lot of friends because of these issues and felt I couldn’t rely on anybody other than my immediate family. I do have a support network in place (counsellors, etc.); however, I find it difficult to bring this issue up, mainly because I am just uncomfortable with the topic. Long story short is that I have a lot I need to work on, and I am aware of this. I do believe that being able to share this post anonymously has helped a bit, and I am even thinking about discussing it with my counsellor now. Thank you again!

 
 
purple_wombat
purple_wombatPosted 21-07-2024 09:08 PM

Hey@Charcoal_Goose,

 

thanks so much for taking the time to open up and share your story. It sounds like you have been through a lot over the past few years. Despite the adversity you have been through it seems like you are motivated to overcome this barrier of relationship anxiety. I am so sorry to hear you have lost friends throughout these experiences but it is great you continue to hold connections with those that are a good support. It is exciting to hear these discussions are potentially encouraging you to talk about these anxieties with your counselor, I think that is a fantastic idea. anxieties around building connections and relationships can be incredibly isolating but it is not something you are experiencing alone. Is there something in particular about building these connections that causes the most anxiety?

 

I hope you are doing okay.

 
 
appletree
appletreePosted 17-07-2024 10:44 AM

Hey! @Charcoal_Goose, I am so glad that you are getting more confident in sharing your thoughts and worries. Telling things to our counsellors can be scary. But remember that they are told about so many different challenges from many different people every day - and many people facing similiar challenges to what you have described. Sometimes just getting the words out in the first place is the trickiest part. After that point, I have always found that things get easier. What else have you found is helping at the moment?

 

You've got this! 🙂 

 
 
Bel_RO
Bel_ROPosted 15-07-2024 03:52 PM

Hey @Charcoal_Goose ,

Thank you for sharing more about what you are experiencing with the community! It sounds like you have gone through so much in the last five years. It is incredible to be able to reflect on what you’ve been through and identify where you might need support. You should be so proud of yourself!  It’s also amazing that you have a support network in place. It is okay to feel uncomfortable with the topic and not want to discuss it with your therapist, would you feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member instead? It's great to hear that since posting you’re feeling better about discussing it with your counsellor. Will you be seeing your counsellor soon?

 
Hazel_Rosie
Hazel_RosiePosted 14-07-2024 05:24 PM

Hi Charcoal_Goose! 

 

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! As a 23-year-old lesbian I see a lot of myself in what you have described. I'm not sure what your experience of coming to terms with/coming out as same sex attracted were, but you should be very proud of what you have achieved so far!

 

I have heard many same sex attracted people talk about how we often come out later in life and go through the learning process and associated dating nerves a bit later (which I also experienced!). We often grow up without seeing examples of relationships like ours and it can make the experience more daunting and isolating at times. Do you have any other same sex attracted people around you that you can discuss your journey with? I have found that having other LGBTQIA+ people around me, who understand the experience, has greatly assisted in my ability to process these thoughts and emotions. 

 

I have always been an introvert and struggled to engage in romantic interactions. What helped me was to stop and reflect on exactly what was making me reject these situations. Once I realised that it was a worry about rejection and embarrasing myself, I worked on ways to cope with this. I learned that I could not remove these feelings completely, however I could lessen them and find strategies to deal with this. If you feel comfortable do you think reflection would help?

 

If you do feel ready to go on a date, maybe trying to reframe it in your mind might help? I also get really nervous before a date. In fact, I almost chickened out of my first date with a girl as well, due to nerves. I felt physically sick the entire drive there! What helped me was trying to reframe my thoughts about the date. I tried to go into the date with the mindset that I was there to have some fun. In that I was there to have a good time and to see if we got along. There was no pressure to do anything or extend the relationship if we did not. 

 

Hopefully something here is helpful! If you have any other questions or wanted to discuss further, please reach out! 

 
soulfuljade
soulfuljadePosted 14-07-2024 05:07 PM

Hello @Charcoal_Goose ,

 

Thank you for posting such a personal and brave post! It looks like so many of us reasonate with having experienced similar feelings, and I too am one of them.

 

Similarly to you, I did not have any romantic relationships or intimacy until I was 22, and looking back I wish someone had validated my feelings and told me that it's perfectly okay to be in a different spot to your peers. It took me a long time to come to the self-realisation that I was my biggest obstacle. I had been burnt by a lot of people in the past (mostly friendships), and this led me to develop a deep fear of opening up and being vulnerable. It was this fear that made me dread engaging in romantic interactions and intimacy. However, when I met my now partner, this fear completely vanished and if I'm completely honest it wasn't something that I worked on or did myself. I truely believe when you meet the 'right' person, your fears will fade away and you will become comfortable with progressing with a romantic relationship and even intimacy. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself in the meantime, everyone starts somewhere and it truely is just experimentation and finding someone who understands you. Little steps and progress, becomes a lot over time. Start by engaging more with guys as friend, it's easier to move from friendship to relationship than from strangers to relationship and I found this was a great confidence boost for myself! 

 

All the best 😊 

 
appletree
appletreePosted 14-07-2024 01:16 PM

Hey @Charcoal_Goose, thanks so much for sharing this. I know that so many people can relate. I personally have always thought of myself as a very shy person. Over the years, I built up this narrative in my head about myself that I was 'the quiet and introverted one'. It can be so hard to break down these sort of narratives, especially when everything seems to reinforce them. One thing that has helped me is taking very small steps to do things that I consider 'out of character' for me - like saying hey to someone I usually wouldn't. It's uncomfortable at first, but once you have done this a few times I feel like it helps you to see your character as more fluid and less bound to the idea of yourself that you have always had. Anyways I hope this is helpful and again, thanks for sharing. Let me know if you find other things that help! 

 
the_amazing_goose
the_amazing_goosePosted 14-07-2024 03:47 AM

Dear @Charcoal_Goose it's nice to meet a fellow goose! 

 

First of all, thank you so much for being able to share this personal part of your life, I appreciate it very much. I myself have never been in a relationship and have similarly felt the emotions you have described. Something that I have noticed about myself is that I usually feel uncomfortable opening up to people, especially if I don't feel completely safe and respected. Is that potentially why you may be feeling this way? Have you considered that? [These are self-reflection questions, you do not have to answer these if you do not feel comfortable].

 

Another thing I have noticed is that I am an extremely shy person when it comes to communicating with people face-to-face, in the case of a romantic encounter, just the idea of it makes me wonder how I would act or "need" to behave in that kind of a situation. Sometimes one's preconceived idea of a certain situation may freak them out or make them feel pressured to act a certain way, could that be the reason why you may be feeling uncomfortable or on edge? It's common to feel that way, especially if you care for someone and would like to make a good first impression.

 

I just want to let you know that your feelings are very valid and portray a very universal experience, so please don't feel like there is something wrong with you because I'm in the same boat! 

 

Thank you, and I wish you all the best in embracing yourself and understanding that your feelings are 100% valid.

 
frogonthelake
frogonthelakePosted 13-07-2024 10:52 PM

Hey @Charcoal_Goose 

 

Whenever I realised I had a feeling for anyone my usual reaction would be freaking out, and quite frankly I was scared. I don't like my feeling getting hurt. I don't like being disappointed nor getting a rejection, so when a person shows a slight romantic interest in me, my defence mechanism would justify their action as a "friendly" kinda way or "I'm overreacting". And maybe that's the reason why I have never been in a meaningful relationship before, just like you, and I felt insecure about it.

I had a group of friends that I'm really close with and I'm the only one who is currently not and haven't been in a true romantic relationship before. I was sad about it for a while, to the point that I even doubted myself and questioned "what does love even mean, what does it look like and what about it that I want to experience so much?"

Although I was never truely alone, I felt lonely. I guess I wanted someone to be by my side and give me meaningful connection. But that couldn't be just anybody. I need the "right person". And for that person to come, it takes time and a whole lot of patience. I want someone who can support me whenever I'm down because I'm quite emotionally unpredictable, and someone who can do more than just reciprocate, someone that will not disappoint me like people in the past had. When I realise waiting for the right person is how I respect myself, I started to accept that fact that maybe I just need more time and that is okay. The lonely feeling still come up once in a while (or sometime more frequent:))) but it's okay, and it's totally normal because there is nothing wrong with yearning for a meaningful connection. In the end, I'm dealing okay with the lonely feeling because I'm liking no one so far, but if someone came I don't really know how I would deal with the fear as I still have the urge to run away from my feelings. 

So my point is, although I don't know your exact situation or what trigger your fear of intimacy but I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you nor the fear that you are experience because I can totally relate to your feelings and I know that many people do too. These feelings (+intimacy) are uncomfortable sometime (or most of the time) and that is totally valid. I don't know if what I shared could help but your post has definitely given me a chance to be open about this kind of thing and I'm thankful about that. Thank you for trusting us:) I hope it helps. 

 
Catlover101
Catlover101Posted 13-07-2024 09:50 PM

Hi @Charcoal_Goose 

I can relate in the intimacy way. Im not too sure if you feel that when creating platonic friendships as well but if so could you elaborate on what about making these friendships you might think causes that response? Is it a fear of rejection or being percieved in a way you don't want to?

In the romantic sense for the longest time I was worried about sexual intimacy and would shut myself off from opportunities to have relationships because I knew I didn't feel comfortable being intimate and thought that if they wanted to and I didn't they would leave me anyway. I have long learned that that is an immature outlook and if someone does not want to be with me without intimacy they aren't the right person for me romantically to begin with. 

What sort of things trigger this reaction for you and what is the thoughts underlying these reactions? if you don't mind me asking.

 

I know its hard but what worked for me was when I finally found someone I was comfortable enough to disclose how I was feeling too. In my mind I was risking rejection and for them to say oh well I don't want to be with you then. But it turns out they were actually a good person hahaha and liked me enough to help me work through it at my own pace and build up my threshold of comfortability. 

It was one of the scariest but most worth it things I have done. You will be surprised at how considerate people can be. It is fine to take things at YOUR PACE. Don't set a preconception of what you think you should or need to be doing with someone romantically, platonically or anythingly. Communicate your comfort and if the people you communicate that to care they will respect it! 

Thank you for your confidence to reach out and talk about it. If you have any more questions please just let me know. I can strongly relate to this.


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