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Feeling low about being a virgin
Hi,
I've never posted here before but my therapist told me about this site so I thought I may aswell vent and see if anyone else relates and/or can offer some advice.
Basically I'm a 22 year old male, and have never had any sexual experience. I know lots of people will say that it's chill and normal and more people are in the same boat than you'd think, but it's kinda hard to shake the shame especially when it seems to be so prominent to diminish/make fun of people in this position (like how calling someone a 'virgin' is literally considered an insult). The funny thing is that I've never been directly made fun of for it, but it's more the indirect shame you notice from friends/media that just kinda makes you feel bad about your situation. This also just kinda feeds into my confidence issues, where I overall just kinda feel unwanted/unnattractive. People have said to me before that I look good but like I just don't believe them bc I feel like that's what they'd have to say (like what are they gonna say, 'you're right you are ugly'?). Same with personality, people have complimented me for other things but it's kinda hard to believe them lol.
Idk, I know the issue probably runs deeper but rn I'm just trying to cope as I work through things in therapy. I've also made a conscious effort to minimize social media usage, bc I realised I'm just feeling bad after prolonged usage of it. As said at the start, can anyone relate/offer advice?
Thanks and hope you all have a great night 🙏
Comments
Hey,
I am a virgin too, but I have been in relationships before in the past. You have saved yourself from a lot of emotional and mental stress, guilt and abuse. I have had a horrible time in the past with those people that I was in a 'relationship' with.
Hi @Mint_Crane
I hear you, and it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of tough feelings right now, especially when it comes to how others might perceive you or how you perceive yourself. It’s really common to feel out of sync with where society says we "should" be, but I want you to know that there’s no one right timeline for these things. Everyone’s journey is different, and there’s no rulebook that says you have to hit certain milestones by a certain age.
It’s understandable that, with all the pressure and expectations from friends, media, and society, you might feel unsure of yourself or question your worth. But honestly, it’s okay to be in this space right now. You’re already doing the hard work by going to therapy and taking time to reflect on your feelings. That’s something worth acknowledging. It’s not easy to face these things, and it’s a process, so give yourself credit for even taking those steps.
When people compliment you and you don’t fully believe them, I get it. It's hard to take in positive feedback when you’re not feeling confident about yourself. But it might help to remind yourself that others see things in you that you might not see in yourself yet. Their compliments come from a real place, even if it's hard to accept them at the moment. Over time, you might find that those positive things start to stick a little more. It’s a gradual process, but just allowing yourself to hear those compliments and maybe believe them little by little could be a step forward.
Cutting back on social media is a great move too—it's easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others online, and that can make things feel even harder. People are often sharing the highlights of their lives, and that can make us feel like we’re not measuring up. But real life is messier, and it’s okay if you’re not exactly where you want to be right now. Everyone moves at their own pace, and there’s no need to rush into things.
You’re doing the right things by reflecting, seeking support, and trying to take care of your mental health. It can be really hard at times, but try to be patient with yourself. Progress isn’t always linear, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace. You're enough just as you are.
Sending you a lot of care and positive thoughts. Keep being kind to yourself, and take it one day at a time. 💙
Hi,
If it helps i an in the opposite boat as you.. i have had sexual relations and i regret all of them expect with my recent partner… i think honestly its so respectful to yourself that you havent just “thrown yourself out there” and done stuff just to get that status… its so dissapointing that its so normalised nowadays to have had lots of sexual relations… if you save it for someone really special it will mean so much more… i used to hate being a virgin because again i was confused on why it hadnt happen when i have friends who had been with 6/7 people! But it means more to save it then it does to just do it just because… i hope this helps!
Hi! I hope you're doing well! c:
I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. I'm 21 and I've yet to experience anything sexual with anyone and I also understand how your confidence and self esteem plays a part in your experience.
I also have a hard time trying to accept compliments from people. Sometimes I just don't believe they're telling the truth.
I'm a female and sometimes it makes me have similar feelings and thoughts you have. I've also minimised my social media time as I've felt it didn't benefit me and mental health.
as a person who's somewhat in the same boat as you, I've been taking it slow and trying not to rush into things. I've been working on myself and that helps a lot with my confidence and self esteem issues. If you're wondering what I do, I workout and try to go for a walk everyday to shake off any unwanted or lingering thoughts I may have about myself, I journal, have something, whether it be music or a video/show/movie playing in the background while I do tasks. These are just some things I do that make me feel a little better mentally. Especially on days where I have low self esteem.
but of course, some days are harder than others. Those are the kind of days where you'd want to treat yourself with kindness even if you find it difficult.
don't let people shame you or make you feel belittled or any less than just because you haven't experienced something that a lot of people seem to praise about on social media. Sure it seems nice to have that intimate connection with someone but take your time.
I haven't had my 'first kiss' yet which sounds...almost pathetic to say since I'm 21 lol but I just want to let you know I get how you feel and that's where I begin to have thoughts like 'am I unattractive?'
Despite all this, I also have social anxiety and I'm pretty shy so I guess that plays a part in my own experience and why I feel the way I do.
i don't mean to make it all about me, i just wanna let you know that I can relate to how you feel and though our situations might be a little different, I hope you feel a little better knowing that at least someone or some people can relate to how you feel. Don't let your friends shame or pressure you because of your experience. It's your own and there's no rush c:
I hope this makes you feel better! And thanks for sharing! Sorry I couldn't offer more advice, but hey, at least you know some stranger from afar is supporting you and can relate to how you feel! c:
Hi @Mint_Crane
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us here. The way you feel is incredibly valid, especially in our culture and the world we live in, losing your virginity is often seen as not a big seen but it is. While I have lost my virginity I know exactly where you come from I was one of the last in my grade and even now the need for sexual experiences is quite low for me.
I understand where you come from but it does not diminish yourself. For me, sex has a greater meaning than just being meaningless or with someone random, when I lost mine I felt I was sane mind, comfortable and not in any position I regret as most people do for the first time. That made me feel quite confident in my decision to be a virgin longer than my peers. I ended up reflecting on it because I felt the same way you do but it eventually made me realise that my self-worth and attractiveness are not based solely on sex.
It ultimately comes down to the right person you want to share those experiences with and they want to share with you, feeling comfortable with each other to take that step. Society makes us believe that sex and sexual experiences are not based on special meaning when it is and in some ways traditional to lose it in high school. However, in my view, this is not the right way to decide or put value to the experience. I find that I am someone with a low sex drive so being in my 20's I do sometimes feel ashamed that I am not going out and hooking up with someone every other week. The thing that contradicts this for me is the right person someone I feel I want to share that with and be of sound mind so that ultimately I don't make a decision to put me in harm's way or I regret.
It's okay to not have any of these experiences yet, it will happen when you feel it's right for you, and it doesn't make you any less attractive or unwanted. I find if this is something you are comfortable with and feel ready to lose, try a few dating apps go out on dates and find someone you are comfortable with. If you want to take things slow in working yourself up, this can help and make the experience a lot less daunting and I found it help with my self- esteem in that position.
Thanks @Rara
I'm just wondering if you could elaborate on Ur last paragraph when you talk about going on a few dates? It feels like a lot of people treat it as some straightforward thing you can just do, but like I literally have zero clue how to go about it. I also tried dating apps bc I thought it would be an easier way to get into the scene, but after 3 days of no matches i had a panic attack and had to delete the apps. I also looked into it and found that lots of people have the same experience on them and recognise them as a scam, so like idk who's having good experiences on them and why despite their bad reputation they still get recommended as an option? Do you see where I'm coming from and maybe could you give a bit of insight? Am I just not ready?
Thanks so much again
Hi @Mint_Crane
Sure and I get it. It's not something straightforward and can be scary actually going on dates and putting yourself out there. For me at least I don't know about others I don't think it will ever be straightforward but that's okay. I found when I was going on one, I would make sure it was somewhere during the day and at a coffee shop or somewhere we could walk around. They don't have to be classified as romantic just super relaxed. It sort of took the edge off for me and I always gave myself an out if I needed it and felt uncomfortable more than what I might have already been. I sort of stopped looking at dates like dates but going out with a friend so it didn't feel so daunting. I think when it comes to actually asking a person out on a date often we wait until the other person does and that makes it tricker and the fear of no is always there. For me I don't have something to overcome this yet I am still learning to be a bit more confident in that area.
For me I did use dating apps, I found even if I wasn't getting matches I could see what I was looking for just by browsing through their profiles. I often go through stages with dating apps where I'll use them and then delete them when I get overwhelmed a bit. When I do go back on them it can take a little bit to get my profile back onto other people's pages like a week before I can get matches, it takes a little bit of time to get back in the algorithm. I also find that even if a date is not exactly something I want right now, just talking to different people can help sort just find out what you want, and where your interests are and sometimes that leads to actually going on a date.
I also think now if you live in the city there can be lots of places to meet people like Instagram dating pages, where they do massive group activities with the intention of single people meeting one another. While I haven't personally tried it I think I would like to in the future when I am ready to date again. Again it's not straightforward, that's completely different from a one-on-one date to a massive group. A group one might even just help meet new people who can introduce you to other people who you end up dating or even just making new friends. The possibilities are endless, I think honestly the first step is putting yourself out there. Even small minor steps, like talking to someone online, or liking that person's post you wouldn't normally. It may sound straightforward but it's a challenge to overcome and it is perfectly valid as to why you feel that way.
Thanks @Rara
It's cool getting advice from someone who doesn't just say 'idk', which is the main answer from most people in my life rn haha. The way you put it seems doable and more realistic. I do actually have things coming up which will effectively mean I'm 'putting myself out there'. I guess I've just been assuming there's something else I've gotta do as I've rarely been a recluse, yet I just never seemed to get any luck.
Also thanks for giving me insight into ur dating app experiences. Are you saying that early on, you're probably not even being shown on anyone's page? The main reason I felt overwhelmed was bc I was envisioning a bunch of girls just swiping over me because I was not attractive enough, which was hard to stomach. If it's more because I'm just not being seen, then I guess that would give me a bit of peace of mind.
If you don't know that's chill, just the way you worded it sounded like you were aware of how it worked.
Thanks so much again 🙏
Yeah, I honestly don't think there is much you have to do other than put yourself out there, talk to different people and be willing to try new things. Obviously though making sure you are okay every step of the way. Yes, that sounds straightforward but it's not haha.
It's not that you aren't shown on their page but I have heard the more often you are on, the more often you will pop up on other people's. Like if you delete the app and aren't active for x amount days you'll stop showing up on people's pages. Think of it like a social media page the more you interact the more it will pop up, I guess. This is what I have heard and I think it's true.
I think when it comes to a dating app as well, try to keep an open mind as possible, everyone has different intentions and different attractions. So I am sure there are plenty of girls on there that are attracted to you and they just haven't been on the app at the right time. That is why I find it important to try not to think too much about what they are thinking and more about what I am interested in and what I am looking for. I also find funny or interesting descriptions as well can be a great way to show your personality without all seriousness of what you want and, a great way to start conversations as well.
I find that like Instagram, and TikTok sometimes we doom swipe on these dating apps as well and sometimes some people aren't even looking they just swipe. When I do that's when I know I have to get off the app and take a moment to think about what I want because there are plenty of people out there that would just do that.
Hi @Mint_Crane
Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your experience! Your feelings are incredibly valid. As someone who is also a virgin (female), when it comes to societal expectations I am shamed and labelled as a prude, prideful, unwanted, or that I am lying about my sexual experiences to protect my image.
I feel your frustration as I strongly believe your sexual experiences or lack thereof, do not diminish your worth or attractiveness. I also want to make sure that you are not seeking sexual encounters soley to satisfy the expectations of society. Perhaps sex has greater meaning to you and is not a status symbol for you to receive approval from those more experienced than you.
I am so sorry to hear that this has changed your perception of yourself and that you are concerned with how potential partners may perceive you. I am happy to hear that you have sought help from a mental-health professional to help you navigate these feelings!
Society would like us to believe that there are distinct ages/developmental periods in which life experiences are "meant" to occur, I'd like you to question and challenge these arbitrary rules and why they should dictate how you choose to live your life. Your deviation from the "traditional" timeline makes for a unique life experience! Stay true to yourself 🙂
How have you been doing recently? Looking forward to hearing from you 🤗
Hi @LittlePisces,
I've been doing better recently thanks for asking. I'm trying to come to acceptance with my virginity status, and I do believe some of the responses here have been helpful. I think it's honestly stemming from a feeling of loneliness and disconnection from others, like I'm craving connection and that. I'm trying to work through these feelings in therapy and tbh now that these feelings are at the forefront, the virgin crisis doesn't seem so bad anymore lol. But I'm just trying to keep going, I've got some things on this weekend and another psych session next week, so got some stuff to keep me from stagnating I think.
Hi @Mint_Crane
I love that you've come on here to share this with us, the community is here to support you!
While it is definitely normal for someone still so young to have no sexual experience, I can definitely understand why you feel bothered by it as you've mentioned with the 'virgin' insult. It's great that nobody has direcly made fun of you for it, there's no shame in being a virgin. But I can also understand your feelings of indirect shame too.
Self-esteem and sex can be a tricky slope sometimes. I think in society we have been taught to link the two, and that our self-worth/attractiveness is dependent on our sexual encounters/how others view us. While I, myself, have mostly tried to overcome this sort of thinking I still experience it sometimes, even as someone who has had sex before and currently has a partner. Sometimes I might feel unattractive if they don't want to have sex with me. But that's not something that is linked to my level of attractiveness, it's purely just because they don't want to/aren't in the mood and I respect that. I think it's just the difficulty of reminding myself that it is not an attractiveness/self-worth issue that I am currently working on.
I promise you that you are wanted, you just have to find the right person to share these experiences with. In my personal experience (could be different for you), it is worth waiting for the right person to come along. Don't feel pressured to engage in a sexual encounter if you are not personally ready, as I find a lot of people often regret the 'get it out of the way' approach (but again, everyone is different). And if you are ready, that's great! Also remember that sexual experience builds up over time too, so you will gain more experience over time.
I hope I could offer you something helpful 🙂
Hey @Mint_Crane - thanks for sharing, takes a lot to be vulnerable and ask for advice.
I can relate to this heavily because I grew up with my share of self-esteem issues and felt indirect shame of not being sexual experienced, making constant comparisons, hearing stories of friends, overbearing influence of social media, etc. Trust me when I say this, only seek validation from yourself, and surround yourself with people that want the best for you. Sex is and should always be a private topic to talk about, and the fact that society makes such a big deal about virginity (especially in modern media) causes unnecessary stress and it is honestly bs. There is nothing wrong with you, and you should be comfortable in your own skin - meaning not needing to prove yourself to others to fit in.
Speaking from personal experience, once I got myself to a decently confident state (of body and mind), I went out to hang out with different groups of friends, went on dates via apps, and just generally put myself out there. Over time, you learn more about yourself - boundaries, likes/dislikes, what you actually want in a partner, etc. I made the conscious decision to want to lose my virginity to someone that I actually had cared for, so that it was meaningful and not an impulsive "get it out of the way" decision - and it was honestly a great decision (happened earlier this year and I am a 24 y/o male).
My main point I am trying to say... let things happen on your own terms, on your own timeline, and when YOU are ready. Don't let others pressure you into doing ANYTHING in life. You hear the cliches about people running their own races, comparing you vs you, but the reason why they are cliches is because they have truth to them. Keep improving yourself in every avenue of life, gain confidence in yourself and your abilities to get things done, and you will attract people naturally.
I wish you all the best and if you want to talk further, I'm here 🙂
Hey @Mint_Crane
Welcome to the ReachOut community. Thanks for sharing. Honestly the people that think less of you for being a virgin aren’t the type of people you’d want to be friends with or people you should admire. You’re completely right, media in general has a big role to play for the negativity. It’s great that you’ve minimised social media usage.
You mentioned in the comments that you feel behind and that’s understandable. However, life isn’t a race or competition against anyone. You’re free to do as you please (within reason). I’m sure there are areas of your life that you would be ‘ahead’ of your friends and other areas where you’d be ‘behind’. It’s really just not that useful of a measure in the end. Everyone has their own path to follow with their own struggles and time frame. It’s hard to not compare yourself to your friends but it’s one of the best things you can do for your confidence.
I’m hearing that you have a difficult time believing you’re attractive or that you have a good personality. If people are giving you compliments unprompted that’s usually an indicator that it’s genuine. Alternatively, if you have a really honest friend, you can always ask them.
It may be hard to believe but there really isn’t anything shameful about being a virgin. It’s just a difference that can be made fun of, so it is. If it helps you can view it as ‘yet to make my sexual debut’ rather than virginity.
Hi @Mint_Crane
Its awesome that you feel comfortable enough here to share such a vulnerable thought.
I wanted to start off by commending you on regulating social media usage, as in this day and age it can often do more harm than good. I know many people in my social circles who thrive off it, but its important to be able to live away from social media too!
I, myself, am a 21 year old male with no sexual experience, and I just want to say that this is much much more normal and common than you might think. It definitely doesn't help that sometimes in social media, it paints the opposite picture. Almost all of my mates with the exception of a handful are in a similar boat, and I never really saw it as a bad thing. It is also important to recognise that there is so much more to life, and if this is something that is really bothering you, then it might comfort you to realise that the 20s are for people to live. I had a chat with a longtime friend the other day who was stressing over uni a little too much, and we both ended up agreeing that, while it is obvious a balance is the best, the 20s decade is for us to grow, both professionally and socially, and to gain all these new experiences. Which includes the ones you are describing.
I hope this provided even the tiniest bit of comfort, and if you want to talk more, I'm open to discussing further.
🦥
Thanks Sloth,
I appreciate your perspective and honestly commend u for being able to be chill with it despite some societal standards. I find it interesting how you say that almost all of your mates are in the same boat, bc for me I'd say most of mine aren't. It's probably contributing to me feeling worse about myself bc I've got lots of examples to compare against, that reinforce in me the idea that I'm 'behind'. Idk as I said it's all a process lol.
Hey @Mint_Crane
First off, I want to say that I am really proud of you for coming on here and being so open and vulnerable with us all. It's certainly not easy, but you did it, which is just stunning!
You are absolutely right about hearing differing opinions that people have on virginity, how some people say it's okay and normal not to have had a sexual experience in our young adulthood, but also hear people make fun of/diminish those who have yet to have a sexual experience around that age. Unfortunately, we do hear all too often in the media that friends and peers make fun of it, which understandably would cause you to feel hurt, ashamed, and unconfident. I also believe that this societal expectation that cishet men have to "perform" and the whole social construct that is virginity definitely adds to things.
Hearing how people act towards those who have not had a sexual experience, specifically shaming, insulting and belittling them, would definitely impact your self-esteem. This evidently has a chain reaction and causes you not to believe others when they say you look good or have an admirable personality. I have struggled with low self-esteem for years and always found it hard to believe others when they would compliment me; it can take a lot of time and dedication to learn to heal and love yourself, even your flaws.
I am so proud of you for trying to work through things in therapy, and the fact that you have made the decision to minimize your social media usage because it was making you feel worse, is just an amazing effort on your part.
I am more than happy to continue discussing this topic with you and providing you with support, please know that you are not alone even though it might feel like it. I hope that talking to me and everyone else here on Reach Out may help you a little.
I look forward to hearing from you.
- Matcha_Toad 🐸🍵💚
Thanks Matcha_Toad,
Yeah self-esteem and confidence issues have been a running theme in my life, which are things I'm getting to the root of in therapy. I guess it's difficult when you feel like you're behind, but you also feel like you don't have the tools to get to where you want to be. Part of me also just wishes that there was no 'virginity' construct, or pressure surrounding it, so that I could just feel like nothing was wrong and everything was normal. But yeah deep down you still just feel like there's something lacking and to be ashamed of, which kinda sucks.
Nonetheless, reading all the responses has actually made me feel a little more at peace so I do appreciate them a lot, I guess I have to thank my therapist haha.
Hi Mint_Crane,
Welcome to the ReachOut Youth Community. Thank you for your courage in sharing your experience. It can be frustrating to feel like we're not reaching certain "milestones" we see on social media and understandably, this can affect one's confidence and self-esteem. In saying this, I want to acknowledge your resolve and awareness of your own needs. It's fantastic to see you manage these feelings by working with a therapist and minimising social media usage.
I'm wondering if you feel this same frustration with other relationships? Such as with friendships or with meeting new people in general?
You've also mentioned that it's hard to believe others when they compliment your looks and personality and it sounds like you're hoping for more practical advice. Have you had a chance to open up a conversation around getting advice from them?
We have some articles on body image that may be helpful to you. Here's one on guys and body image and one on 6 ways to be body positive. We also have some on how to embrace being single and how being single doesn't mean you're missing out.
I hope you're able to find the support you seek here in the community.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Thanks Marimo-RO,
If by 'same frustration' you mean confidence issues, then yes absolutely I basically experience it in every aspect of life lol. It's obviously something I want to get to the root of in therapy, but yeah I'm aware it's a process so I'm trying to trust it atm.
And in terms of opening up, I haven't yet talked about it w/ everyone I want to, but I guess the advice I have received just hasn't been too helpful. For example, when I ask how do I meet people, I never really seem to get an answer and most of the time they never seem to know themselves. It's also super difficult for me to meet people as I am just super socially anxious, so although I can try it's hard not to feel kinda hopeless. I was also recommended dating apps but I tried them for 3 days and it just killed my self-esteem even more lol.
Hi @Mint_Crane,
Thank you for your reply! I can see how tough meeting new people can be especially when you have social anxiety.
Despite this, I'm glad to see that you're proactive in seeking professional help and trusting the process.
I wish you nothing but the best moving forward!
I am so glad that your therapist has directed you to this community! I am also glad you have that support system in place.
I can completely relate. I lost my virginity after high school (which I apologise if that comes across badly). However all of my friends surrounding my knew this and had all lost theirs way before me. I completely understand the feeling of being behind in this sense and the shame that comes with it but maybe also the potential feeling of wanting it to be a special experience still.
As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear the cliche, sex is not everything, and I am sure that you will find the right partner when the time comes! I recommend maybe trying to go on a couple dates (I know that helped with my self confidence a little) and maybe you will grow a connection with someone who will go on that journey with you. It all takes time.
I wish you well!
Thanks PSYC_G4L,
I guess the difficulty is that 'maybe go on a couple dates' is easier said than done, especially when it can be hard to know where/how to meet people (I'm graduated from uni), and I have pretty bad social anxiety. But yeah I'm trying to work things out and talk w/ friends about stuff.
Appreciate the response and wish you well too 🙏