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I'm not a good person

Hi guys,

Um I kind of wanted to let some things off my chest so here goes,

 

I haven't been a great girlfriend recently. I've been treating my boyfriend like trash for 6-7 months. And I hate it. I really, really, hate it so much. It bothers me why I treat him like that. I don't listen to him when his venting, I don't appreciate his efforts like when he buys me stuff or writes me long, long paragraphs, or those beautifully crafted songs, I feel like I don't appreciate them the right way they should be appreciated. I say rude things to him, I disrespect him and his boundaries, I don't make him feel safe, and sometimes I insult him. I believe that I am better than him and that I know more about him than he does, which is not true, because I don't. There's obviously more things but those are private between me and him, but this is like the general gist of it. I honestly have been such a bad girlfriend and the sad part is that I see it. I see how my actions affect him. He's hurt and that's my fault. 

 

I recently turned 18 years old, and I feel like my eyes have been opened to some harsh truths. I have finally realized I am not being fair to my boyfriend, and that my actions affect others. I believe that the reason why I treat my boyfriend this way is because I have zero self love for myself. I cannot find it in my physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially to love myself at all. I don't care about myself either. I am a people pleaser, and I feel like my main goal in life is to make others happy, except for myself. I know that I have failed in making one important person in my life happy, and I do not intend to continue this pattern with my other loved ones. And an important thing I have realized that if I can't love myself, then I simply cannot love others, like my boyfriend. I realize that I am so emotionally and mentally unstable these days, that I just cannot provide the right amount of love, care, support and acceptance he deserves. And it's not even just him. I don't think I can love anyone else, like family and friends, until I learn to love myself properly. 

 

I think the next step I should take is I should suggest that me and my boyfriend should become friends. Just until I learn to love myself again and I learn to become respectful and nice again. Because I feel like if I continue being in a relationship with him, I'm afraid I will end up losing him a second time. And I don't know if I can handle that. I don't wanna be lonely. And I know I should hold his hand and rely on him, but I've never done that before, and it's scary to think the moment I get attached I know I'm a goner. 

 

So that's it for now. 'Till next time 🙂 

 

batoolxx_12
batoolxx_12Posted 07-02-2023 08:19 PM

Comments

 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 07-02-2023 08:45 PM

Hey @batoolxx_12 sounds like you're going through a lot right now. I can hear that you care for your boyfriend very deeply, and that you've been reflecting a lot on how things are going in your relationship. 

 

I wanted to just touch on your thoughts about how you believe you can't love others until you learn to love yourself. I can really resonate with those thoughts because I used to feel the same way. Self-love is hard. It really is, especially for those of us who have struggled with our mental health for many years. But I truly don't believe that self-love ought to be a requirement for being able to love others. Building self-love is a journey that can take time, and it doesn't make sense to me that we should suffer that journey alone - that we don't deserve to love, and be loved by others along the way. Sometimes, we need to be able to see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us in order to be able to find the things we can choose to love about ourselves. Loving others is an act of courage that can also teach us how to turn that love inward. 

 

Learning to put yourself first can be so tough, especially if you are a people-pleaser. But it can be learned, and doing so is much easier to do with the care and support of others, at least in my experience. I hope you can find the path that is best for you, and that you can do so without the need to sever all of those important relationships. I wonder if it would be worth talking to your boyfriend, and sharing these thoughts and reflections with him about how you've been feeling about the relationship. Then you two can work together on how to proceed - whether you stay together and support each other through the tough times, or whether you take some time apart to heal and grow and see how things go down the track. Then you can come up with a more collaborative plan that is respectful of both of your needs. What do you think? 

 
 
batoolxx_12
batoolxx_12Posted 08-02-2023 09:23 PM

I know that becoming friends is a good idea, but I don't know if I can look at him with through the eyes of friendship. I just...things are so confusing in life that I don't really anymore. 

 
 
 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 08-02-2023 09:33 PM

Heya @batoolxx_12 ,

 

We read it may be difficult to navigate friendship/boyfriend relationships - it is very understandable.

 

Perhaps being quite open and transparent about it may help? What do you think?

 
 
 
 
batoolxx_12
batoolxx_12Posted 08-02-2023 09:36 PM

I don't really like opeing up so it's sort of hard for me to. That's what makes things difficult. And when people try to open me up, I become all defensive, and my defense includes becoming verbally violent and disrespectful. 

 
 
 
 
 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 08-02-2023 10:05 PM

Have you considered writing it down? Whether you give it to your friend or not, at least it is off your chest?

 
 
 
 
 
batoolxx_12
batoolxx_12Posted 09-02-2023 10:37 AM

Yes I have but it doesn't seem to do much help for me.

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 09-02-2023 03:09 PM

Hi @batoolxx_12, nice to e-meet you 👋🏽

 

I've just spent some time reading through your thread, and I want to take a moment to recognise your self-awareness. Relationships aren't easy, and sometimes they bring out sides of us that are confronting to face. Being honest about that with ourselves and trying to find ways to cope with it makes a world of difference, and I can see you are already doing both of those things. 

 

Even though writing your feelings down on paper hasn't been helpful, it shows me that you're trying hard to deal with this situation - so kudos to you! In saying that, I can imagine this has all been pretty stressful and confusing. I'm curious to know what helps you relax when there's so much on your plate? 

 

I'm not sure if this is something you'll be interested in, but I want to share some articles written by Relationships Australia, which is a support service for anyone needing a hand with navigating relationships. This page will take you to all their articles. We also have a bunch of articles about relationships and communication

 

I hope you're feeling okay today, and know that we're here to listen when you need it. Also, just a heads up that we've sent you an email, so when you have some time to check it, please do 😊

 
 
 
 
 
batoolxx_12
batoolxx_12Posted 09-02-2023 10:53 PM

honestly nothing really helps me relax these days so....

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 10-02-2023 01:28 PM

Aw @batoolxx_12 it must be upsetting to be going through so much without any way to relax.

 

Can you think of a time life was a little easier? What kinds of things have helped in the past? 

Welcome back!

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