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Idk how to tell my sister to back off from my bf

Ok guys so me (nb17) and my bf F (m15) have been together for about 2 months now but have been best friends for about a year and a bit. My sister, M (f14), has also been friends with him for the same amount of time. F is a trans man and I am non binary and we're both queer, while my sister is unlabelled and not attracted to F.

 

Me and F are closeted so only get to be affectionate around each other and M which is frustrating. M is really close to F which I'm totally fine with, that's awesome but every time we're walking around a shopping centre and I hold F's hand... M has to hold his hand too. I get they're really close but it's kind of getting to the point where it's uncomfortable as we can't hold each other's hands as a couple. 

 

I've tried to light heartedly tell M to back off a little but she kicks up a stink and calls me "controlling and weird". I've talked to F about this and he also agrees I gets annoying but doesn't say anything as M is quite dramatic and entitled, often causing issues if she doesn't get her way. She also refuses to take a couple of cute photos of me and F (very occasionally) and goes as far as to call us annoying. We're not overly affectionate as we usually meet in public but we'll kiss or hold each other's hands if we're in private. 

 

Before you say M is feeling left out, that's not the case. We're all incredibly close and it gets to the point where M and F often talk to each other more than me, leaving me out. We had a toxic friend before who was very controlling of F so idk if that's the case. 

 

I'm just a bit unsure of what to do because i don't want to be mean to my sister or make her upset or left out, but I want to be able to hold my own boyfriend's hand without another person having to hold his aswell and he feels the same vice versa. Please let me know if I'm being dramatic or if you have any advice xx

SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 06-07-2024 11:19 PM

Comments

 
Ender_Wiggin
Ender_WigginPosted 11-07-2024 01:43 PM

It sounds like a tricky situation with your sister. It's great that you're all so close, but it's totally okay to want some space to be affectionate with your boyfriend. Maybe you could have a calm and private chat with her, explaining how much it means to you to have those little moments with F. Let her know it's not about pushing her away, but just about having some time as a couple. It might help to set some boundaries while also reassuring her that she’s important to both of you.

 

You could also talk to F about supporting you in this conversation so that it’s clear it’s coming from both of you. Hopefully, she’ll understand where you’re coming from and things will get a bit easier.

 

Hang in there!

 
adzukitty
adzukittyPosted 07-07-2024 09:50 PM

hey @SwiggitySwoog, you're absolutely not being dramatic at all and your emotions as a result of the situation sound completely reasonable and expected. Your reasoning about the situation sounds plausible especially since the toxic friend was controlling of them. It sounds like you have been very patient and considerate about your sister's behaviour which is a very noble characteristic that you should be very proud of. it makes sense to feel frustrated that you can't hold your partner's hand without M needing to be involved too, even morse-so since you aren't overly affectionate in public anyway and M refuses to take photos of you together. I'm sorry I can't provide any advice except for perhaps discussing the situation with your partner and letting them know the extent to which it affects you so you can work together to devise a plan of action if you wish to change the situation whilst maintaining your close relationship with M. all the best and stay swoogy

 
soulfuljade
soulfuljadePosted 07-07-2024 01:54 PM

Hello @SwiggitySwoog

 

Firstly, I agree with @Matcha_Toad , your feelings are completely valid. It is perfectly natural to feel such emotions, as you should be able to express affection to your F without M being there. I think the advice below is great, however you mentioned in your reply that M may not take this the best way. You also mentioned that you have tried to light heartedly tell M but this has not worked. In this case, I am wondering if F would be open to having a chat with M about how you both are feeling? Perhaps coming from another perspective (and not sister), M might take this a bit better. I am unsure if this would work, and you know your situation best, however it might be worth a go. 

 

All the best 🌹

 
Matcha_Toad
Matcha_ToadPosted 07-07-2024 09:51 AM

Hey @SwiggitySwoog

 

I just wanted to say your feelings are so valid, and I don't think you're being dramatic. I also understand not wanting to be mean to your sister or make her feel upset or left out; this situation sounds a bit delicate, but here is what I think.

 

You have made it very clear that your sister's behaviour is making you uncomfortable, and it's causing you to be left out and is interfering with the relationship you have with your boyfriend. Regarding relationships, boundaries and communication are vital; this applies to all kinds of relationships with anyone, not just romantic ones. As you said, you have tried to lightheartedly tell M to back off, but it has not worked. But I think you may need to sit M down and have a serious conversation. Express how these actions make you feel, and state your boundaries. I know personally how hard it can be to set boundaries with a sibling, but they are so important. M might get upset or try to push these boundaries, but you and your boyfriend need to be firm on these boundaries. 

 

I'm not really sure if what I have said is of any help to you, but I just want to reiterate that you are not being dramatic at all! 

 

- Matcha_Toad 🐸🍵💚

 
 
SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 07-07-2024 11:34 AM

Thank you so much, its just really difficult cuz she does NOT take that kinda thing well, ie. discipline, being told no. My mum has that problem with her to the point my mum has openly admitted she can't punish my sister because she's so out of control and disrespectful. Also she believes she's entitled to certain things, like  being allowed to do things I do even though i'm a good 2 and a half years older than her. It gets frustrating and we dont know how to say in the nicest way possible that "please back off a little bit because we are in a relationship and you're kinda invading" without her getting angry or sulky or saying to my mum "F and (me) are discluding me and making me feel left out". 

Again, thank you so much for your advice ❤️

 
 
 
Matcha_Toad
Matcha_ToadPosted 07-07-2024 04:18 PM

@SwiggitySwoog I understand that approaching your sister about this situation is really hard because of how she might react, but you are not responsible for how she acts/feels okay? If you do go ahead with setting this boundary, I have a few suggestions to make when discussing things with your sister. Firstly, it's important to choose the right time and place that is a safe/quiet space, you could bring your boyfriend along too. Be as clear and direct as possible by expressing your feelings using "I" statements, and also you don't have to justify your feelings but rather explain that hand holding, for example, is more so seen as a sign of romantic affection and it's something you'd like to keep between you and your boyfriend. As for setting the boundary, be clear on what behaviour you are and are not okay with, such as "I would appreciate if you could avoid holding my boyfriend's hand in future". But also it is important to listen to your sister's perspective and how they feel about things, she might be upset by this situation, but that's why towards the end of the conversation you reiterate that you care about your sister and that you and your boyfriend are not trying to make her feel left out or excluded. 

 

It seems like however you word/express things, your sister will react negatively, but again that is her own feelings/reaction, you are not responsible for these things. It will be a tough conversation, but I think it needs to be had.

 

I'm really sorry about this situation you are in, it's really challenging, but myself and everyone else on here has your back and we'll support you 💚

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