Some advice on getting the courage to talk and make new friends

Hi @Gojishura 

First of all, please don’t feel the need to apologise for a long post - you’re sharing how you feel, and if it ends up being a bit longer, that’s completely okay! It’s clear this is something weighing on you, and we’re more than happy to listen, no matter how long your message is. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves, but try to give yourself some grace because it sounds like you are really trying, and that’s commendable!

Socialising, especially at university, can feel overwhelming, and it’s totally normal to find it difficult to initiate conversations, especially if you lean toward being more introverted. I completely understand, as I also tend to wait for others to approach me.

I agree with the advice already shared about having a few conversation starters in mind to take the pressure off thinking of something on the spot. Something as simple as talking about your lectures or tutorials can be an easy way to begin. Starting study groups is another helpful suggestion, as that’s how I made some of my first friends. I remember joining a group through a Facebook post where someone was looking for others to work on an assignment with, and we ended up becoming great friends.

I’d also suggest looking for ways to be in spaces where conversations can happen naturally, without feeling forced. You don’t have to jump into large social events, but small things like joining clubs, attending casual university gatherings, or even just sitting next to someone in class can create little moments for connection. Sometimes just being in the right space is enough to encourage others to approach you.

Even if you feel like you’re not the best conversation starter, that doesn’t mean you’re bad at conversations. Many people actually appreciate being good listeners, and often, the most meaningful conversations come from just showing up, being present, and engaging with others in small, natural ways. You don’t need to worry about leading the conversation perfectly; sometimes, simply asking follow-up questions or even just smiling and laughing along can help the conversation flow.

It’s completely okay to want others to take the first step - in fact, many people are probably feeling the same way. The truth is, everyone is adjusting to university life and often, people are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Little gestures, like making eye contact or giving a smile, can help others feel comfortable starting a conversation with you.

Remember, it’s all a process. Making friends isn’t about getting it perfect right away; it’s about giving yourself space to meet people and allowing things to grow naturally.

Sending you warm wishes!

Hi @Gojishura,

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflection on what you want socially, and that’s already a big step forward. 💛 I’m really sorry to hear about the bullying you experienced, it makes complete sense that socialising feels challenging after that. It’s not something you can just “grow out of,” and you’re definitely not selfish for finding it easier when others initiate. 

Here are a few tips that helped me to make friends at university:

• Join clubs/societies. Here, you'll find people with similar interests to you, making it easier to strike up conversations with them
• Start/join study groups. Whether in-person or online, I still chat with a lot of the people I studied content with
• As @Blue_Dolphin suggested, be kind to yourself. Know there's no such thing as the perfect way to talk/behave, and true friendships are with people that admire you for you
• Before going in for tutorials, brainstorm a few small topics you could bring up in conversation with people, like "Have you started the assignment yet?"

Also, a lot of people feel awkward about making new friends at university, even if they don’t show it! You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace. I'm wishing you the very best moving forward! 💛

Hi @Gojishura, thank you for being so open here, it sounds like you are struggling with the social aspect of starting uni but it is great to hear that you are otherwise enjoying uni! 

As you may have seen from the other responses, you are not alone in struggling with socialisation at uni - while there are some people who already know others in their class or who are naturally very confident people, I'd say most uni students, especially in first year, are feeling anxious about meeting new people and making new friends. It's a different environment to high school, where you're stuck with the same group of people 5 days a week where connections can naturally form over time, and so it can definitely be a challenge to go out of your comfort zone and make the first move to meet new people at uni. But it seems like this is something you want to do, and I know from your previous posts that you have already had the practise and skills to deal with other challenges like bullying, social anxiety and a breakup. So you've got this!

One thing to remember is that the stakes are low - if you feel rejected or like you don't connect with someone, then that's okay, there are plenty of other people in your classes and you can find other people to connect with. Also, I found in my first year that it was quite easy to start a conversation by asking people what they're studying, if they live nearby, where they went to high school, etc. - this can then lead to further conversation and you may find things in common.  

Also, you say you are an introvert and you want to get out of your shell but you feel like you can't. Something I have found helpful for this is to "fake it til you make it" - think about how a confident person may act, and pretend to be that person while you're in class. It might feel weird but over time you may find yourself becoming more confident, which others will notice and so they may be more likely to talk to you.

Finally, be kind to yourself - it is a lot to adjust to starting uni and the social aspect is not easy, especially for an introvert. You are doing so well already. I wish you the best of luck!

Hi @Gojishura 

I am sorry to hear about the bullying you have experienced that makes it hard to socialise for you, however its great to hear that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone to socialise and make friends, that is very brave of you. 

University can be a lot at times and settling in can take time, especially in getting to know those around you. It can be quite scary and confronting,  I understand the want to isolate and having the lack of courage to initiate conversation. 

One of the first things I would recommend when it comes to classes is to sit with people I recommend this to anyone. I know you mentioned you sat by yourself to see if anyone would sit with you, however, if there are discussions in class just simply ask maybe can I join in your group or turn and face them. It seems daunting I know but it can start the conversation and eventually lead to friendship. I started doing this in my second year and it helped me immensely and then you start to look for the same people throughout the degree. One of my biggest tips as well, is to look for people who look like they don't know each other and just sit down at a table. It can make the process a lot easier as they may be in the same boat as you and want to get to know people or feel lost and alone. It can also make you feel less excluded from the group. Well, that's what I have found. 

My next advice for uni is to attend the social functions they have or even join a group. Univerisity is all about making the student experience a positive one that people who attend the functions or join groups, want to be there. I have found they are very inclusive and the people generally students who run the event are always friendly and help you introduce you to other people. They are all about making it as inclusive and fun as possible and they always seem to have a massive smile on their faces. 

It sounds easier said than done, and it certainly takes time. I'm in my 4th year at uni and while I have socialized with people at my university over that time, I only really made friends in classes in the last year. It does just take time and different classes will bring a different variety of people all the time, that one day it might just click with. All the best and I reckon you can smash this. 

Heyy @Gojishura 

Expressing your feelings is absolutely not pity seeking - you're totally entitled to your feelings and its so impressive that you've come on here and written them out 🫶

I'm so glad that you're settling into University and finding your ground - it can definitely be a lot at once but your enthusiasm and positivity shines through! 

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced bullying. Isolation can become so comfortable and intrinsic to your daily life that it might dictate the decisions you make - like whether to sit at a table with lots of students, or to sit at an empty table. 

I think the small steps make the biggest difference. For example, lets make a goal that we sit at a table with one other student on it and ask 'may I sit here?'. It might lead to further conversation, it might not, but you have immediately strayed away from your instinct to sit by yourself. 

I wonder if you have explored the campus, social media, emails or website for any upcoming social events that are a lot more low-key?

I think Universities are increasingly hearing the call of students that are wanting to connect and have incentive to establish more programs for that. I know peer-mentoring is super popular because you're with an experienced student and can have one-on-one meetings - let me know if that's available for you! 

Don't forget - you've got this! Uni is quite the journey but your attitude towards making a change for yourself does not go unnoticed 💕

Hi @Gojishura 

Your experience is almost exactly like mine last year when I was still a first year uni student:) And guess what, my social life only got better last week (2nd year), but oddly, not because i made friends in my classes but because I joined different societies and went to different events at uni, which i should have done a year ago haha. 

And hey, I can totally relate to the hesitation to initiate a conversation, so it's not selfish at all that you want someone to strike a conversation first (because me too hehe). But no biggie though, because by attending social events in uni, I socialised with people through games and group activities. If it's still tough for you to initiate a convo with people in an event, maybe taking little step such as making eyes contact and waving at the person sitting next to go might help. 

However, don't stress if things don't work out the way you want it to yet. Easier said than done, i reckon, but things take time, especially building a deep connection. You'll get through it eventually, once you meet your people. I'm so glad already that you decided to reach out to the community and ask for help. From the way that you mentioned your past experience with social anxiety, bullying and relationship issues, it seems to me that you've come a really long way to be here today. You'll make it, and the community will be here to support you along the way:)

I hope it helps. 

Hey @Gojishura 

I’m really glad to hear you’re settling in and liking your teachers. It can be a big jump from high school to university. It’s great that you’re handling it well. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been bullied in the past. Bullying can really warp your perception of yourself and your relationships with other people. It’s not easy for most people to go up and introduce themselves to strangers so you’re definitely not alone.

Do you have any group projects? As frustrating as they can be, they can be a great way to meet new people. Joining a club may also be another way as you’ll share a common interest. Would you consider talking to someone about your difficulties? A mental health professional may be able to offer a step-by-step way for you to overcome the barriers you’re experiencing without overwhelming you. Building confidence to interact with others takes time but it is a skill that can be developed. Try not to push yourself too hard too fast.