Struggling with balance
It's been absolutely ages since I've been on here because I've been doing a lot of work in therapy but there's a situation I'm really struggling with on my own.
I've been seeing this girl for the last couple months and for most of that time she's been in her uni semester. She's a workaholic too so during the semester she was almost solely focused on that. She would go to bed between 9-11pm most nights and would be working all the time, even when we were together.
We've talked about balance a lot in the last couple months and I know in the past she'd mentioned that when she's in her party phase she really goes hard on the partying. She's finished her semester now so rather than her normal 9pm bed times she's been out past 3am for 3 days in a row now but now I'm really struggling with the complete shift in behaviour. Not only because it does make me a little concerned generally but also because she isn't communicating the same way to normal. I'm finding it really tricky to balance wanting to give her her space to have fun but also wanting to have my needs met and not wanting to feel like a burden asking for that.
I had a really tough day at work today and she offered to call me when I finished but the call ended up only being 6 minutes because she was going to another party. For the rest of the afternoon I still really wanted to talk to someone but no one was around and for the most part that was okay but when I couldn't sleep tonight and I knew she was still awake I called her. I wasn't sure if I should at first but I thought I would try anyway. She didn't pick up but she texted me asking if I was okay. I explained I just wanted to talk to someone but not to worry if she was having fun. Her responses weren't clear after that and had long gaps in between so it felt like she was bread-crumbing me as to whether she would call me or not. I was starting to feel a bit nuts when she just said we'd talk about it tomorrow.
I did my best communicating how I was feeling whilst also not wanting to make her feel like I am her responsibility but now I'm worried she's mad at me for being too overbearing and I really don't know how to proceed but it feels like such a weight in my chest now.
Comments
Okay it's been a tough few days and I don't have the energy to reply to every response but it really helped reading what you all had to say and I really appreciate you all.
We talked about it the past three days and it was an evolving discussion every day. We had talks about communication and what was happening on the weekend and at first it felt like we were going in circles not understanding each other but eventually we broke through to finding resolution.
Some extra context is that she's actually an international student and she's moving back to her home country very soon. We always knew it was going to be tough and we knew it was approaching but I think it's really been stressing both of us out that it really is happening and we can't be in denial anymore.
We've known it was going to end from the beginning but because it's been the healthiest relationship both of us have been in, I don't think we expected it to end this way at all. We both expected we'd be breaking up when she was leaving rather than a few weeks out but after our many talks we've agreed that breaking up now is the right option even if it really sucks. I've talked to friends about it and I will definitely talk about it with my therapist in our next session but so far it's been the healthiest breakup I've had and I'm looking to the future much more positively and hope we can be good friends again one day.
Thank you for updating your situation with us. I'm sorry about your break up, but I'm also very glad to hear that it's a healthy one and that you're having positive outlook about the future. Honestly, I think that you are doing such a great job handling this situation the best you could, from communicating with the girl and coming up with a mutual decision together, to reaching out to your available support system such as your friends, the forum, and soon, your therapist.
Once again, thanks for giving us an update and if you need us more, we'll still be here. Take care:)
Hey, I’m really sorry you're feeling this way—it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotional weight right now. I can tell you care about her and you want to respect her space, but at the same time, you have needs too, and that’s totally valid. Navigating that balance can be really tough.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been really patient, and you’ve been trying to keep communication open and honest. It makes sense that the shift in her behavior is throwing you off—when someone goes from being super focused on work to suddenly partying all night, it can feel like a lot of change all at once. And then when you're left feeling like you're not being prioritized, especially after a tough day, it’s even harder to handle.
I get why you'd feel conflicted about reaching out when you needed support. You’re trying to respect her fun, but you’re also looking for connection, and when she wasn’t responsive the way you hoped, it probably felt like she wasn’t valuing your need for attention. It’s tough when that happens, especially when you're already feeling vulnerable.
What really stands out is that you communicated well about how you were feeling, but it still feels like you're not getting the emotional support you need. That’s not about being overbearing—it’s about wanting to feel seen and heard, especially when things are tough for you. It’s okay to need that.
The next step might be to have a calm conversation about it when things aren’t so hectic, where you can express how much you value her fun and want her to enjoy herself, but also how important it is for you to feel emotionally connected too. It could be helpful to share that you’re not trying to control her, but you’re just finding it hard to balance your need for intimacy with her need for independence.
It might also be worth giving yourself permission to take up space in the relationship. You deserve to have your emotional needs met just as much as she does, and it’s okay to communicate that, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Whatever happens, remember: you’re not overreacting or being unreasonable. It’s natural to want support when you’re feeling low. You just need to make sure you’re looking after yourself too.🙂
Hi @Rattata 
I am sorry you are going through this. Change to routine can be really confusing.
Have you tried to talk to her about her communication? Maybe try and have a conversation about this sudden shift and let her know how you feel. In regards to the night out where you thought she was bredcrumbing I think I have been in this position before with my own partner where it is difficult to text consistently due to the being out at an event or having heaps of friends around that you feel bad to leave and go on your phone.
I have had talks about not replying until my partner knows he can reply consistently and vice versa because personally for me that is better then getting one message and waiting 30mins or more for the next.
Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel but also assure her that you want her to have her freedoms and enjoy herself. Try to come to conclusions together as to what you need from one another at this time.
Maybe even ask to join her for some outings and make sure you are scheduling hang out time in for the two of you as well. (My partner and I have a shared google cal so we can see when we are both free to hang out whilst also staying looped in to the others plans).
You are doing great. Let us know if anything new pops up!
Hi @Rattata 
It sounds like you're having a difficult time navigating this big change in her behaviour - going from working all the time to partying. It sounds like you feel burdensome for asking for your needs, and you're having trouble navigating knowing when to reach out to her or not. You're feelings are so valid. Sometimes when you're seeing someone who's very busy, it can be difficult to negotiate time for yourselves. My partner is often very busy with his job and I find it difficult to know when to reach out sometimes or when to give space.
It could be a good idea to arrange time for yourselves, such as dates or specific days of the week you might go see each other and hang out. This way the time is uninterrupted by other things. This time could give you an opportunity to maybe express how you're feeling about the situation, if you're up for it. Maybe you could explain to her the difficulty you're having in not knowing when to reach out to her or leave her be for time on her own, and she could help you navigate that.
I'm wondering if maybe you're able to attend some of the parties she goes to? (If partying is something you're interested in). That way you could also spend some more time together and do an activity she's interested in.
It's also great that you're attending personal therapy. Have you brought this up in your sessions at all?
Best wishes and good luck 💜
Hello @Rattata
Sorry to hear about the situation that you are having at the moment, that sounds pretty tough especially since you are not getting support from your girlfriend when you needed it.
In regards to this, I do believe that it is perfectly valid that you feel this way especially since you have seen a side of her which you are not accustomed to much and the shift in behaviour also made it difficult to find the right times to interact with her.
Personally, in my experience, I think a good approach for now would be to try to arrange a time to talk about how you are feeling as of late as well as how you are feeling about her shift and whether alternative or new communication times between you and your girlfriend have to be set as her time has changed as of now.
It might be a good start to communicate these matters and see if there is a way to balance your needs as well as hers. In any case, I wish you the best of luck, fingers crossed🤞
Hi @Rattata, thank you for sharing. That sounds like a tricky balance you're trying to manage, between supporting her and giving her space to have fun after what sounds like a busy year of uni, and wanting to communicate more with her, which is not easy when she is often out partying late. It's tough when you need someone to talk to after a rough day, and the person you reach out to doesn't engage in the way you need. It must be especially tricky when you know that the reason she is not responding is because she's out partying, as you don't want to "ruin" her fun night by telling her about what you're struggling with, but at the same time you are allowed to want to feel heard by your partner.
Has she told you how long her "party phase" usually lasts? Because if it is only a brief period (a week or 2) after finishing uni, then maybe you could manage your expectations for her communication in that time. However if it tends to last a bit longer (like until uni starts again next year), perhaps it is worth communicating with her how you feel when she seems to prioritise partying over spending time and communicating with you. Also if you feel comfortable, you may express some concerns about how healthy it is that she is partying so much. Given that you have described her as a workaholic, could it be that she doesn't know what to do with her free time now that she's finished with uni? You could suggest some activities the two of you could do together, to provide her with some structure and something to focus on, and to provide an opportunity for the two of you to communicate too.
From what you've written, you are really good at clearly articulating your feelings, you are very understanding of her point of view and it seems like you've been making good progress in therapy as well, so while I understand why you may be nervous about talking to her, if you show the insight and level of understanding you have shown here I think she will understand your point of view. It's not easy having relationship struggles, especially when I'm sure you've also had a busy year! I hope some of this advice helps and you are able to deal with the balance in communication with her more. Best of luck!
Hey @Rattata 
Welcome back to the forum and thanks for sharing your story with us. My first impression when I read your words was how confusing it must have been for you to see such a sudden change in this girl's behaviour, but I can also see how much you care about her and your relationship, especially when you tried your best to communicate your feelings to her and made effort to compromise for both your feelings and her need.
On that note, I'm wondering how your conversation with her about this matter went and have you had an opportunity to talk to anyone else (maybe your therapist or a friend) about this? If you are comfortable enough to share of course, otherwise, it's all good. Although I can't really give you any helpful insight for now, me and the members in our community will still be here if you need another ear to lift this burden off your chest:)
