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TW : Anxious Attachment in relationship while also dealing with other issues.

Hey guys, I am going through a bit at the moment in my current romantic relationship and my relationship with myself. Some support and advice would be great.

 

A few things to note:

 

- I've been diagnosed in the recent weeks with an anxious attachment style due to my mum having bipolar when I was growing up.

- I have previously been in an abusive relationship previously, I was cheated on, manipulated, guilt tripped, gaslit and so on during it. I was in this relationship for 2 and a half years.

- My partner and I work together.

- My partner struggles to bring how how she is feeling and her needs, even when asked.

- I've learnt recently that my partner is an independent person

 

 

The story begins:

 

I (21m) met my partner (21f) two years ago, things were great for a start, spent a lot of time together, affection and connection were through the roof. We had a few problems here and there and were able to somewhat comfortably resolve them.

 

Her and her best friend moved in together and I noticed that her best friend was showing signs of jealousy, it ended up have a big impact on our relationship. Her friend had no one else but my partner to spend time with and my partner was always inviting her friend everywhere that we were wanting to go, then I'd be the third wheel (if that makes sense). Her friend would also make me very uncomfortable, glaring at me, ignoring me, isolating herself whenever I was over at their place.

 

I brought this up with my partner many times and every time, she got very defensive about things and was very open about putting her friends needs above mine while also saying some other nasty things, breaking my trust completely. I ended up breaking things off with her for while as she couldn't have a discussion about it/anything without getting defensive, and then we were able to come back a month later and discuss things. Eventually she came to her senses and they had a falling out, and upon her own reflection, she can now understand how toxic that friendship was and how I was "right".

 

I ended up moving in with my partner as her friend moved out and needed someone to take over the lease. We then were together pretty much 24/7 while also struggling to manage conflict (still she would get defensive over anything). 

 

When the lease ran out, we decided to move back in with our parents, we now live on opposite ends of town (about 25 minutes away from one another). We kept seeing each other quite a bit and I was noticing that she was very flat and distant when we were together, so I pulled her up on it one day and she said how she needs some time to herself and work on herself. In my head, that meant that we were breaking up. After a few days of not talking to one another, I was really struggling because I was left in limbo, not knowing what was happening. She reached out to me a few days later and started slowly talking to me and starting to make plans here and there.

 

During the time apart, I decided that I really needed some support from a professional to look into my past and it was revealed that I have an anxious attachment style, as I always need reassurance due to my past relationships and how emotionally unavailable both my parents were while growing up. 

 

I'm currently waiting for an appointment within the next few weeks to see a psychologist to start CBT and see how I go with that. I'm also regularly seeing my GP to talk about my current situation. I'm ALSO starting to attend couples counselling with my partner, we have only had one session so far.

 

I don't really have any friends as I find it hard to maintain friendships and relationships due to my anxiety and current situation. 

 

I am seeing my partner here and there nowadays and we are actually still together, just not as much and when we do spend time together, it feels affection and attention comes in waves, I'm really struggling to navigate it. She obviously has some things going on on her end she said that she is working through it, but it really feels like she is just avoiding the reality of our relationship, we really need to both look into ourselves and our past. I 

 

Hopefully this makes sense 🙂

 

I'm really struggling to navigate the mix of feelings and emotions/vibes that come as a result of my situation.

 

Feel free to ask questions too!

 

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

monke
monkePosted 21-03-2023 03:55 PM

Comments

 
Iona_RO
Iona_ROPosted 22-03-2023 12:35 PM

Hey @monke

How are you feeling today? 

I've had a read through of your post and I saw that you were in an abusive relationship in the past. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, abusive relationships can be really traumatic. Do you feel like that your past experience may have had an effect on your current relationship? It can be common for people who have experienced abuse to experience symptoms of trauma afterwards. You can learn a little more about that here. It can also be really difficult to navigate a healthy relationship after experiencing an unhealthy one, so you might like to have a look at this too 😊

 

You've done really well to do a bit of self-reflection whilst you and your partner were having a bit of a break. Taking that time to figure out how you're feeling and what supports you might need can be hard. But it looks like you've done really well to recognise that you'd like some support from a psychologist and organised an appointment. Will this be your first time chatting to a psychologist?

 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 21-03-2023 05:52 PM

Hey @monke welcome, and thank you for sharing your story with us. Sounds like a complex situation and it is understandable that it has been quite challenging for both of you. Learning about your attachment style is a great way to gain some insight into your relationship patterns and behaviours and I hope that with time, you are able to better recognise how it can surface, and then learn to be able to choose a different way of responding to difficult situations. Does your partner know what her own attachment style is? That could also help you to navigate any differences in communication styles and your respective needs - especially in times of distress.

 

It's awesome to hear you've decided to do some couples counselling, it sounds very. much like you are both invested in putting time and energy into healing, and into improving the relationship with each other. Can be a tough road for sure, but I hope it is good for you both to have that safe place to talk through your emotions and relationship together. 

 

It makes sense that this has been a pretty confusing journey, as you're both trying to understand where the other is coming from and how your pasts can impact your relationships today. Have a look at these and see if any of them could be helpful for you: 10 tips for coping with the hard stuff

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