TW How do I establish to my friends that I do not want anything to do with them?
So. A few weeks ago I stopped hanging out with my friends. I do not want them in my life because they do not respect me, they do not care about me and they frequently violate my boundaries.
I have tried to confront them about it in the past, however, I was met with a response of "Let us be kids." But backtrack, being a child is not about desrespecting people's boundaries and making them uncomfortable, it's about riding your bikes around the neighbourhood or dyeing your hair a funky colour! I need to somehow let them know that I don't want anything to do with them in a way that I am safely distanced from them and I don't end up going back again.
Comments
Hi @danexist 
Thankyou for being so vulnerable and letting us know your story.
Your feelings are 100% valid and you should not have to be dealing with those sort of insensitive and downright wrong comments.
There are many ways you can go forward with letting them know, whether verbally in person or through online communications.
Do you have other friends to hang out with? If there is no reason to keep them around and you are sure you want to cut these connections, you can outright let them know you do not want to hang out anymore because of the reasons you list above. They could apologise and see their wrongdoings and if they don't then you have made the right choice.
Do whatever is going to benefit your mental health. If it helps to keep them around while you establish new connections is going to be less stressful that is ok to.
Surround yourself with people who love and respect you. You are doing a great job.
Hi @danexist 
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like you have made the right decision for your own peace of mind. I am very proud to hear that you honour and respect your boundaries enough to remove people who cross them out of your life. I am also very sorry to hear that you were surrounded by a group of people who disrespected your boundaries and did not create a supportive or safe environment for you.
I commend you again on your self-respect, awareness and that you are willing to assert yourself to this group of people. Don't be afraid to explain that they have repeatedly disrespected and crossed a boundary which you have expressed to them time and time again.
I'm wondering if you have any support through this time and how you've been managing your wellbeing?
Looking forward to hearing from you 🤗
I have my family, my grandma, my dad's mate Ange who used to be a counsellor, she's helped a lot. I've been managing my wellbeing by living it a day at a time. Not worrying about tomorrow or yesterday, just in the moment. Because if I can get through a moment I can get through many, many moments.
Hey @danexist ,
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I'd like to say that i'm really sorry that you had to experience hearing these types of jokes within an environment that was meant to be safe for you. No one deserves to feel this way, especially within a friendship, and it is absolutely not ok for people to joke about things like sexual assault and racism. I can imagine that hearing these types of jokes must have been really upsetting for you.
I think you should be really proud of yourself for so many reasons here. It takes so much courage to confront people about these types of behaviours, and it's so so tricky to actually set boundaries and distance yourself from these types of people. I also really admire how well you know yourself, your own feelings, and your own boundaries.
Although I've never had to end a friendship for reasons as important as the reasons you've listed this, I did during highschool end a best friendship of many many years, because I was no longer being treated kindly by this particular friend. I really relate to what you've said about feeling like you want to be safely distanced from this group, so that you won't return to them. During the time when I was ending the friendship I mentioned above, I remember feeling a lot like I really wanted to go back to that friend, eve though I knew that friend was long longer treating me well.
It sounds like you'd perhaps like a bit of closure since it sounds like this all happened quite quickly. Something I've tried before in situations like this is typing out a really long and detailed text in my notes app. I write down absolutely everything that i'd like to say to that particular person, and everything that i'm feeling. Then I just let the message sit there in my notes app. I find that writing everything that your feeling out manually is such a great way to release all your emotions, and can feel really cathartic. Just a suggestion!
I'm thinking of you and sending lots of care your way 💛
Hi @danexist , thank you for sharing this with us 😊
It sounds like you've been through an incredibly tough time, and it's completely valid to feel hurt and disrespected by the way your friends have treated you. Your boundaries and feelings matter, and it's not okay for anyone to dismiss or undermine them. It's clear that you've already made some really brave decisions by stepping back from these friendships, and recognising that their behaviour is harmful to you.
Setting boundaries and choosing to remove yourself from an unhealthy friendship group is a strong and important decision. You have every right to feel safe, respected, and supported in your relationships.
As for figuring out an approach for distancing yourself, if you’re up for a read, we have some tips for dealing with a toxic friendship here, and ending a toxic friendship here. I hope you find these helpful!
Apart from these friends, do you have anyone in your life who you can lean on for support during this time? Whether that be another friend, family member, or mental health professional, perhaps a support person might be able to help you stick with your decision and offer support as you navigate the change.
You're doing the right thing by prioritising your well-being! Keep trusting your instincts about what feels safe and supportive for you.
Ps. we have sent you an email to check in, so please keep an eye out for it 🌻
