What's wrong with me?
I don't have anyone in my life that I can be completely open with and comfortable around, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
I have C-PTSD, generalised anxiety, ADHD, persistent depression, and major depression. I'm in the middle of a particularly rough major depressive episode at the moment. My support network is minimal. My friends know some details, but have no idea of the extent to which I'm struggling.
My friends, housemates, and colleagues describe me as kind and helpful. I find it easy to draw on my own experiences to empathise with others, and love seeing them talk about things that they're passionate about. I also seem to be the friend that other people feel safe opening up to about things they are struggling with, which is a really privileged position to be in.
Sometimes though, when I've been struggling more than usual, it can make me feel even more lonely when I catch up with a friend for coffee and they spend the majority of time talking about themselves. I love hearing what's going on for them and really do care and want to hold that space for them, but sometimes it makes me feel invisible when I'm with them. It's like I'm the non-judgemental emotional support friend that people feel safe opening up to when they need it, but then they get to go back home to the people they love and I'm stuck by myself again.
What am I doing wrong? I know a lot of my self worth is based on how 'useful' I can be to others, but the main reason I want to help people because I genuinely care about them and don't want anyone to have to feel as much pain as I do. How do I start to form deeper connections with people so I can stop feeling like I need to hide everything that's going on for me?
Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling that way - I know the feeling and it can be disheartening and sometimes even frustrating when you feel like you are giving so much and not receiving the same in return.
I agree with your friends - you sound very kind and also empathetic. I can see why a lot of people turn to you for support! Rest assured - that won't happen to you here, and someone will always be here for you ❤️
As for forming deeper connections - I have personally found that sometimes just hinting at how I feel to my friends is enough for them to start a healthy conversation. Overtime, when we are always looking out for others, and not as much for ourselves, we sometimes start to hide our true feelings. But when we do finally let them out and share them with others, a lot of people are sometimes quite suprised that we have been feeling this way!
Like what @Anzelmo said, I think that your friends do deeply value your friendship, and feel quite close to you - especially since they feel comfortable and safe talking to you. Being able to provide a safe space for someone is such a lovely and wonderful trait to have 💚
Please don't feel like there is something wrong with you - I know this is sometimes difficult but you sound like such a beautiful soul and the world needs more people that are so caring like you 💙 Your feelings are completely valid and you can always talk to us.
I hope everything gets much better soon. Let us know how you are going 😊
Thank you for reaching out as it takes a lot of courage to share your feelings and experience. I can see there's a lot that you've unpacked here - I just want to check with you to see if you're doing okay today.
I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling isolated and lonely even though you are being a supportive friend. It must make you feel lost and ignored. Like your friends say, I think you are a very kind person as well - however, it does take a lot of energy to always be there to support your friends. I agree with everything that @Anzelmo has said. When you cannot receive the same treatment for yourself, it must be frustrating and invalidated, even though you truly cared and wanted to be supportive. It's totally okay to feel this way, please don't feel like you're doing anything 'wrong' for being a good friend.
You mentioned you want to form deeper connections with people so that you can share these thoughts and feelings with them in a reciprocated manner. May I ask what you regard as meaningful in a friendship (apart from being supportive and helping your friend)? Would you value honesty/openness over validation/supportiveness (not that these attributes are mutually exclusive)?
Please note that we are always here to listen and support you!
Thanks heaps.
@Almond_Quokka One day you will meet someone who you can say stuff about, and whine about, and really really annoy them. I was and still am like you, so is J, however we met each other. Which means that...she's nice to everyone and she rolls her eyes at me, and I don't like physical skin contact with most people but I hug her a ton. And she doesn't like hugs and I hug her a ton and she rolls her eyes and she hugs me back. You will meet someone who, to them you are their exception, and you are their exception. You also need to find someone too! Someone who you seem to like, and they don't have negative feelings for you, and slowly make exceptions for them~
Kitsune
PS: Helping people are really nice! And when they talk you can talk about what you experienced as well! This will make them have a connection with you~
Your friends are lucky to have you around and thank you for sharing what you have been feeling lately with us. It can sometimes be hard being "that support friend" that everyone goes to when they are having a hard time too, but as you said it is also a privilege and just shows how much they trust you and how much they value your words and support. But it can also get tiring, and sometimes when you are struggling yourself, it can be hard when you don't have "that support friend".
You mentioned not feeling like you have anyone close to that you can open up to and feel comfortable doing so. There is nothing wrong with feeling like this, and you are someone who does deserve that type of support.
Based on my personal experience and what you have shared, I'm wondering if you think your current friends could be "that support friend" for you? and that they may just be waiting for you to open up?
I'm not sure how close you currently feel to them, but I'm sensing that they already feel close to you. After all, they are comfortable and feel close enough to you to come to you for their problems and issues and they see you as their support network. If that's the case, then I'm sure they would reciprocate that type of relationship if they felt that you were seeking it.
It will be uncomfortable the first few times you open up but I reckon that's normal and expected, and only by starting will you overcome that feeling and hopefully find that you have those deep connections already. If your friends are opening up to you and not hiding what's going on in their life, then there should be much less pressure for you to feel like you need to hide what's going on. If they are your friends, they will care and listen. Its always just kind of awkward to open up about your feelings and hardships when you haven't done so in the past (I've had this experience before because my friend group is close, but don't really talk much about that kind of stuff, and I had to just push myself to start that conversation), but it will be worth it once you do.
I hope you are feeling okay and getting by, and that my two cents provide some value. Lets us know how you are going! 💙
Hey @Almond_Quokka
Im really glad that you shared what youre currently going through. Sounds like youre in the thick of it at the moment, so no wonder youre feeling the way you are.
We all need support and someone we can trust to share how we are really feeling, especially when things are rough for us, so when your friend talks about themselves most of the time when you see them, that must feel very one sided. I so get how you would feel even loneliner then.
I dont think theres anything wrong with you not feeling comfortable being 100% vulnerable in front of others, this is very normal. We can worry about their judgement of us.
But im wondering whether you not fully opening up even to close friends or family, may mean that the other person does not realise you are struggling as much as you are, and maybe they see you as managing well enough, even though youre not.
What do you think someone might say to you if you did share with them how youre genuinely feeling in the moment? What do you think is the best thing that could happen?
Some people feel alot more comfortable sharing something personal with someone they dont know. So maybe if would also be a good idea if you contacted a supportline like KidsHelpline to talk about whats happening for you. They are a great support and are completely free on 1800 551 800.
