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I’m scared
I‘m scared because I Might be genderfluid or even (!!!) a trans man.
I’ve felt uncomfortable calling myself a woman since I was 18 (I’m assigned female at birth) and identified as non binary, and then as a non binary lesbian, for a while. (I recently realised I’m bi not a lesbian though).
I started using he/they pronouns while I was in hospital last week and realised I LOVE being referred to as ‘he.’ I also love when people refer to me as sir/brother/etc.
I’ve been wearing things like a binder, men’s underwear and men’s deodorant for about a year and feel like it represents who I am better than women’s things.
I start a new uni course next year and I’m so so tempted to present as male, introduce myself with my pronouns, do things like use the men’s bathrooms. I even have a name I really love that I could use. BUT. What if I change all these things and realise that it’s wrong and have to change back? What if my parents find out (they’re super transphobic)? What if my favourite person in the whole world (my ex) stops loving me?
I’m scared.
Comments
Hey @DruidChild I'm hearing that you feel really scared but from reading your post what honestly stands out to me is how brave you are!! I'm non binary and I feel it can be so intimidating taking steps to explore and express your gender; the things you have already done like trying new pronouns and wearing clothes different from the gender you were assigned at birth takes so much courage!! I love how you have found ways to express your gender that make you feel happy and like your authentic self! In regards to being worried about having to change things back, that's so understandable. I guess we just have to remember that our identity can be fluid and it doesn't say anything bad about us if we try something out and decide it's not who we are after all. Plus, in uni you tend to have different classmates and professors every semester, so it might be easier than you expect to reinvent yourself a few times if you want to 🙂
It sounds like you have a really special relationship with your ex. I wonder if you could try to slowly bring this topic up to them, to test the waters a bit? I know this is so cliche but I am sure that someone who really cares about you would be supportive no matter what.
Wishing you all the best!!
Also it was so amazing to hear your story too @Claire-RO , I love how your dad has become your biggest fan! how beautiful ❤️
Hey @lemurien thanks so much for your reply, it’s awesome to hear from another trans person. I really appreciate your words of positivity and kindness!
I have tried to bring it up a little like she knows I’m going through some gender questioning. I know that they’re trans supportive, I just worry about her reaction to me maybe being a man specificallly.
Thank you again, take care.
no worries, I'm always excited when a post comes up on here about nonbinary stuff! I love the opportunity to have a chat about it. 😄
Ah, I see what you mean. I feel like sometimes men get a bad rap among queer women, so then, there is a fear of a bad reaction if you want to embrace your masculinity. At least, that's how it sometimes is among my friends. Or, sometimes you bond with someone over a shared identity (e.g. being feminine), so if it then turns out you don't fit that identity anymore, you wonder how that person will handle the change. (disregard this tho if it doesn't have anything to do with your situation). well, I really hope your ex will celebrate this new opportunity to get to know a facet of who you are! Keep us updated 💛
Hey @DruidChild
I can totally understand the fear you are expeiencing, I am nonbinary and use pronouncs they/them. This was something that I knew as a kid but I didn't have the words or the safety to fully embrace it. Can I say seriously the way that you describe how you feel when you are being your authentic self is so bloody amazing to hear.
I guess I wanted to reassure you that your gender or sexuality is not fixed it's what works for you and makes you feel happy and connected to yourself. I know what its like to feel like you may change your mind down the track but thats totally ok as we are always evolving. In terms of people rejecting you or not being there for you I can totally relate. I grew up in a really homophic household and I didn't actually come out until I was 26. I was terrified of losing the people I loved, so I took my time and only told people I trusted slowly, same with my gender. I am now in a space where my once previously homoephobic very discriminatory country dad is my biggest fan, he recently watched a research presentation I did on bisexuality and was so impressed, 14 year old me would never had dreamt this would occur.
I recently came across this book which is called the pronoun lowdown. The author actually went through an evolution with their gender. It's so good as it focuses on the history of gender diversity and is written to help educate people. I would recommend checking it out as it helped me feel more confident in myself and I have been able to recommend it to people in my life so that they can understand better and support me.
We also had an Ask Me Almost Anything Event a few months back where RO staff who are gender and sexually diverse shared their experiences and advice, I reckon it would be helpful for you
Overall you are a bloody legend, being your authentic self is never easy to do!
Hey @Claire-RO thank you so much for your reply and sharing your experience, it’s so cool that you’re non binary! 🙂
Im sorry to hear you grew up in such a homophobic environment but it’s awesome that your dad supports you now!
Thank you for the book rec and the AMA link, I will check both those things out.
Hey @DruidChild 😊
I just wanted to check in to see how you're feeling?
I'm non-binary and for me it was a very gradual process - I spent the majority of my life going by she/her pronouns, then moved onto she/they and then landed on they/them being the best fit for me. I found it really helpful telling my friends how I was feeling, and asked them to use they/them for me to 'test it out' and see how it felt in a safe space first before deciding if it was the right pronouns for me.
So just wanted to assure you that it's totally ok and normal to try pronouns/gender identities out and totally fine if you decide to change your mind at any point 🙂