My Gender Confusion (VENT/RANT)
Gender isn't exactly something I've really thought a lot about. However as I have gotten older, I am more aware of it. I became aware of gay people and trans people and what not. I found it to be quite inspiring that people were able to be comfortable with who they are on the inside. However as I have gone through puberty, I have gradually become more and more uncomfortable with my body and grew to hate it. I despised getting zits, the mood swings, I hated being horny all the time. However the main thing I really don't like is the hair that grows all over my body, including my face. I'd often shave every part of my body(e.g. face, torso, arms, legs, hands, feet). My mum really thinks it weird that I shave my legs. I've always found it annoying when she made those comments.
I also sometimes wonder if my life would be better if I was born as female. I've always seen women as being beautiful, attractive yet confusing beings. I also think that I might even be less lonely if I was a woman, considering loneliness is one of the main things I still struggle with to this day. I've even cross dressed and tried on some of my mums dresses before. I've honestly enjoyed it and felt comfort doing so, I even crossed dressed once for a drama assignment at school.
However, I am not sure if I will ever transition. I am not even sure if I want too. Maybe I'd be a lot more attractive that way. There are certainly some very attractive transwomen, however even if I were to go through with transitioning I am scared I'd regret it later on. I've seen a lot of detransitioner stories and it really scared me. At this point, I feel like a male, considering that is my biological sex So I am sticking with that. However there are a few times I wish I was a woman, maybe am I non binary? I honestly don't even know sometimes. Besides, transitioning is certainly not cheap and I don't want to make such a life changing decision so impulsively. I honestly just try to suppress these thoughts and just live out my life just being whoever I am. Regardless of if I act masculine, feminine. or a mix of both. I just want to be happy.
Comments
Hey there @No_eye_dear 
The great thing about gender is that it is a fluid spectrum, so there's plenty to explore and see what feels right for you. I've got some people at university that I interact with who are gender fluid or non-binary, and those who are gender fluid may dress/identify a certain way one day and another a different day, so there's plenty of space between strictly male or strictly female to explore if you feel that you may not be entirely committed to the notion that you may identify as a women, if that makes sense 🙂
Hey there @No_eye_dear 
Being confused about gender is a tough thing to go through, especially when it is about the opposite gender.
While speaking as someone who is biologically female, being biologically female has it pros such as having easier access to wear feminine and masculine clothing or being able to see more colours. There still many aspects that would make it being biologically female difficult such as the societal and cultural specific problems.
But it is good that you have found a way in expressing yourself, without making yourself uncomfortable or feeling regretful about it. If you aren't sure about transitioning due to many factors, could crossdressing be a step for you to experiment what you might want to be?
Hope this would help you!
Hi @No_eye_dear
Thank you for your post on the forums! I wanted to start by commending you on the strength you have shown. Communicating thoughts and feelings can be a challenging thing to experience, you should be so proud of your ability to process and understand the thoughts and feelings and being able to express them. You have disclosed such an honest part of who you are, it’s beautiful to see and I’m wondering how you are feeling after writing this? Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey, and I look so forward to hearing more as it continues.
Disclosing things that may be going on for you can be a challenging experience and I want to make sure you are looking after yourself during this time. Understanding identity can take time we can’t expect to have everything figured out overnight, you’re only human 🙂 I was wondering what things in life might make you happy and feel like yourself? Have you considered any other gender-affirming things you could do, such as changing your wardrobe?
I wanted to share with you some amazing resources we have on gender and gender identity. You can find numerous articles on gender here. We also recently had a Weekly Wellbeing on something called the gender unicorn, which is designed to be a self-reflective activity to tease out the differences between sex, gender, gender expression and sexuality. Please let me know if you found any of these useful, and if you're interested in some more resources!
You might find talking 1 on 1 to be something you may be interested in and I wanted to provide you with a link to Peerchat, which is a 1 to 1 text-based chat support service which allows you to connect with another young person with lived experience. I was also wondering what support you might have whether it be friends or family, or professional support such as a counsellor, I’m also wondering if you have been able to speak to anyone about your recent experiences.
You are not alone the whole community is here to support you and again I want to say thank you for sharing your journey with us. Please don’t be afraid to reach out if you need anything 🙂
Wish you all the best, hope to hear from you soon 🙂
