Where do I start with coming out as non-binary?

Hey,

I know I'm incredibly late, but I want to give my two cents on coming out.

Firstly, you are extremely brave for doing this. I know it's scary as hell to come out, but I promise it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders.

As PBR (Powered by Rainbows) suggests on YouTube, treat coming out like a party - you get to decide who gets to come to that party (or in this case, know about your orientation). And nobody has the right to disclose that information to anyone else, or out you before you're ready.

Though there's not much else to say that hasn't been said already. A lot of people here have given a lot of great advice.

Overall, congrats!!

Thankyou everyone! You guys have helped me to gain the corrage I needed to come out.

I came out to my family via a message and they all sent there love to me.

I'm about to go talk to them now, wish me luck!

Love,

Phoenix.

Heya @Red_Pheonix_Reborn !

First big congrats to you, for coming to terms with your identity as a trans/enby person! I'd also like to say thanks for sharing this here with us, writing the words "I'm (insert gender/sexual identity here)" takes so much bravery. I'm feeling very honoured to be part of the second group of people you've opened up to about this too. It sounds like you've done lots of work lately with figuring out your gender (and sexuality!) and I hope your feeling super proud.

It's so nice to hear that you have a lovely support network, including lots of queer friends, and parents who are allies too. It's lovely that you've got another friend who is an out trans nb person too, I think that these queer friendships are often so important with coming to terms with identity. My experiences are a little different from yours, mainly because i'm a cis lesbian, but do have lots of experience with coming out! Over the last too many years I've cycled through a couple of different identity labels, and have even found myself coming out to some people multiple times lol. It sounds like everyone in your life is really accepting, so this might not be super helpful, but my only piece of advice would be to come out to the people first who you are most certain will react supportively! I think this is a great way to build up your confidence with saying the words out loud and with coming out verbally to people. It might even help to perhaps have your other trans/nb friend around too if you're feeling a little nervous! I absolutely hate confrontation so I have always hated and still do hate coming out to people, regardless of how lovely and supportive I know they are. When I was younger particularly, it always helped me to come out to people if I knew there was a support person present who already knew, and who had my back.

It's amazing that you're starting to think about transitioning toward they/them pronouns and using the gender neutral bathroom for you. As I mentioned, this isn't quite within my area of queer expertise, but it looks like there are some other cool trans people on here who have jumped in with advice!!

Being queer can be tough, especially when you're first navigating coming out etc, but there's no better feeling than when you get to just live life openly and as you. I'm sure you've got lots of exciting transitions and changes in your future!!

Sending lots of love 💕

Hey @Red_Pheonix_Reborn , thank you for sharing this! First off, I want to say it’s amazing that you’re figuring out your identity and taking steps to live more authentically. It sounds like you have some really supportive people around you already, which is such a great foundation.

Starting with your parents might be a good first step, especially since you mentioned they’re allies. You can approach it in a way that feels comfortable for you—maybe in person, or if you think it’ll help to have it in writing, you could start by sending them a message to ease into the conversation. Being open and letting them know that you’ve been exploring your gender and that you’d appreciate their support could be really reassuring for them. They might need some time to fully understand it, but having that conversation with them is a great starting point.

As for your friends, since most of them are queer and you already have one supportive friend who’s trans and non-binary, I think they’ll be super understanding! Maybe you could ask your friend who’s already out how they came out to their own circle. It might help to have some extra guidance on how they approached those conversations. You could also start by letting people know about your pronouns in small ways—like including them in your social media bios or asking your friends to use them when they talk about you. That’ll help build comfort and familiarity for everyone.

About the gender-neutral bathrooms, it’s totally understandable that you’d feel nervous. Sometimes when there’s only one or it’s obvious that someone is using a gender-neutral bathroom, it can feel a bit intimidating, but try to remind yourself that you have every right to be there, just like anyone else. Maybe starting with small steps, like using it when it’s less busy, could help you get more comfortable. Over time, the more you use it, the more natural it’ll feel!

Lastly, just remember that it’s okay to take things at your own pace. Coming out and living authentically isn’t a race, and you’re allowed to go as slow or fast as feels right for you.

It’s really great that you’re reaching out for advice, and I hope you feel a sense of community and support from these conversations. If you need more advice, or just someone to talk to, feel free to reach out! You're doing great.

Take care of yourself, Phoenix!

Hi @Red_Pheonix_Reborn,

It sounds like you’ve taken some really meaningful steps in exploring your identity, and it’s great that you have supportive friends who have helped you along the way. 💛

Coming out can be a big step, but it’s completely okay to do it at your own pace and in ways that feel safest for you. Since your parents are allies, you might start by having a conversation with them in a way that feels comfortable. As suggested by @Sky_Stegosaurus and @shining_sun there is no one right way to do this, from writing a letter to expressing your perspective through text. 

As for using gender-neutral bathrooms, that sounds like a challenging situation. If you’re comfortable, you could talk to a trusted teacher about advocating for more inclusive facilities. An awesome suggestion by @Appel_banappel is asking for your friend to wait outside the bathroom for you, acting as a support system. However, this is only if you're comfortable doing so. 

All in all, i's okay to take things one step at a time, and you don’t have to have it all figured out right away. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and reflect on what feels right for you. Please know that the ReachOut community will always be here to listen! 😊

Hi @Red_Pheonix_Reborn ,

I'm not non-binary but I am trans and have non-binary friends so hopefully I've got some experiences that could be helpful. 

First off, that's great you've got a non-binary friend that you're close enough to come out to, the whole process of coming out and finding your identity is a whole lot less scary when you've got someone else who's walking the same path as you. It sounds like you're in a great position to come out with accepting friends and family, but I can totally understand how it is still a really scary thing to do even when you know everyone will accept you. I have very accepting friends and family but it still took me around a year to come out to my friends and 2 years to come out to my family because I was scared of admitting such a new, vulnerable part of myself and was scared I would change my mind. But in the end I realised that life is so much better when you embrace your true self and that it is perfectly okay to change your mind if you do end up deciding a certain identity is not right for you. 

I don't really like confrontation and I freeze up when I'm too anxious so I came out to my friends and family over text which I would really recommend if you tend to express yourself better through writing, or otherwise you could have a phone call or in-person conversation with them. And for the actual coming out process, it doesn't need to be any kind of grand announcement and could just be a casual mention of hey I think I'm non-binary and would rather you use they/them or they/she. Be prepared for your friends and family to likely take a little while to adjust to the change because even if they are super accepting it takes a little while to reshape how you talk and think about someone. 

Toilets can be really tricky. I've been transitioning for 8 years and still have difficulty with using public toilets because of anxiety I've developed around them. If you get to a point of coming out to your parents, you could ask them to help you communicate with the school about using the gender-neutral ones, because in some schools teachers won't let you use the disabled toilets without prior permission and you could even possibly convince the school to create more gender neutral toilets - that's what happened at my school. But on a personal level, it can be really scary to use a different toilet than the one you've used all your life, especially when other people can see you using it. If you feel close enough to your non-binary friend you could ask them to go with you and stand outside the door so you have some support if there was any kind of confrontation or you could go during times when there aren't too many other people about. And if you don't feel like you're at the point where you're comfortable enough to use those toilets, using the toilets you were raised to use does not at all mean you're less trans and sometimes it's just a necessary evil we have to go through until we're a bit later into our transition or are in a safer/more accepting area.

Good luck on this journey - you've got this. Go at whatever speed feels right for you and I'm sure everyone in your life just wants you to have the best life possible and will do what you tell them will achieve that 

Hi Phoenix, 

It's so good to know that you have a support system you can rely on. As for the logistics of coming out, do it in any way shape or form that you feel most comfortable with, at your own pace and remember that this is your identity, you don't need to share more than you're comfortable with.

The first few steps of coming out are tricky, mustering the courage, and planning out the steps, but coming out can be as simple as a text message, a GIF or a meme that you can send to your friends and family. Alternatively, you can make it a more formal coming out, you may have a nice lunch or dinner with your friends and/or family (separately, if desired) and tell them about it.

Though I may not have a fuller understanding of gender orientation, I have had the coming out experience with my parents, it was through a simple Spongebob meme and I was relieved after telling them. 

Remember that pieces of your identity, whether that be gender, sexuality, religion, etc... is an important facet of who you are. Coming out is about you, that means you get to decide who gets to know when they get to know and specifically what they get to know.

I wish you all the luck Phoenix, ReachOut is here for more support if need be.

~ Stego

Hey Pheonix! I love that name! 😍

First of all- huge congratulations on discovering more about yourself! I'm really happy that you have found an identity that feels right for you. My pronouns are she/they- but I have explored using they/them before. 😄

It's great that you have your close friend, who sounds really supportive, and that your parents are allies. As you have a group of friends who are mostly queer, maybe this is a good place to start? Since they would understand the process of coming out, it might help you to feel a bit more confident in chatting to your parents about it. You could also ask if they have come out to their parents before and what their journey was like to get an idea of how you might approach talking to your parents about it. 

When you do feel comfortable to chat to your parents, know that you can do this in any way that makes the most sense for you! You might want to have the more traditional sit-down conversation, but you could also try writing a letter or even sharing resources about what it means to be non-binary, and how to support someone who is. 

ReachOut has a resource on this for parents! Have a look at: https://parents.au.reachout.com/culture-and-identity/gender/ways-to-support-your-non-binary-teenager 

As for the bathrooms at school, that's tricky! With the gender-neutral bathroom, I wonder if having your close friend come with you during lunch and recess and wait outside can make it feel less intimidating. Since you mentioned that they are trans and non-binary, I'm sure that they would be understanding of how you're feeling. 

Does accessing this gender-neutral bathroom during your lesson time have the same issue?

I also wanted to share that at my school (private and religious) a couple of students in my year level came out as trans or non-binary in years 11 and 12, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal to anyone in a negative way. The teachers were really understanding and were more than happy to adjust to their needs. None of the students were ever nasty to us either. I think in younger generations, it’s been really encouraging to see how things just moved forward with kindness and respect. If your school has a similar atmosphere, I hope that gives you some reassurance!

I'll keep coming back to this post if you feel like chatting about it more! 

Best of luck for when you decide to come out, and remember that at the end of the day, you deserve to feel comfortable and safe at school. Take things at your own pace, and don’t feel pressured to make changes before you’re ready. Sending lots of support! 🤗

- shining_sun