I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

So basically I'm gay.

I'm 17 years old in senior year and I have a strong hatred and disdain for my sexuality. Though it isn't always on my mind, occasionally I'll come across a homophobic remark or content which will cause me to brood on it and burst my accumulated bubble of stress slowly in the form of anxiety(Even once a panic attack) which lingers on my mind and even at time causes chest pains. 

Though I personally hate it, it hasn't really affected my social life like I've seen it do to others. I have dealt with severe stress since I was young and while I'd bottle it, I became very good at it. I am generally a social butterfly, I'm able to socialize and befriend a wide variety of people making me a pretty neutral and known person at my school. I'd like to say I'm a nice person, sometimes too nice, making me easily susceptible to get involved in toxic relationships. One of these were with a close friend who I was very close too, he was one of the two people I came out too. However he became increasingly toxic overtime often humiliating and even abusing me in front of others for what I think was to make him feel better about his own insecurities. Eventually I got tired of it after he insulted my dead mother and tried to fight me. This caused arguments and me ignoring him, long story short he ended up outing me to both a mutual friend, and my sister. Thankfully after talking to them they agreed to be silent.

Since I was young I have dealt with severe stress, my father had cancer when I was in 4th grade, when I was 12 I watched my mother die, my sister had attempted several suicide attempts in our teenage years. Not to mention throughout middle and highschool I did atrocious in school, even now my grades are a sight for sore eyes. I apologize for the sob story, I don't wish or need for pity, I just wanted to give some insight on my life, through all of that, I bottled everything in, not once have I talked to people and the one time I did talk to a friend I was later outed. I used to take my stress out violently in my early adolescence, now I simply take walks. Now tying this into when I found out I was gay, that was just the small needle needed to burst my ever expanding balloon of stress. This past year or two I have often found my self in the midst of suicidal thoughts, I've often thought of it, even daydreamed of it. Despite this I don't ever act on it, never. Because while I feel these dark feelings, I also realize that I would hurt those close to me, that I would hurt my family who've already taken so much damage immensely, make my friends devastated. 

While I feel that I would hurt those if I dare acted on any dark thoughts, there is also the tiny, dark, and creeping fear of my sexuality. I fear that my friends would leave me, I fear that my peers who respected me would no longer treat me the same, while I know my family would accept me, I still feel a disgust within myself I feel as if I've disappointed them already. Lately I've started to come more to terms with it although, it's shown more in my questionable and flamboyant fashion and stylistic choices, even in my attitude, I've had friends ask if I was gay. Despite this I am still afraid to cross the final line, I hesitate actually coming out because there are still people I care about and love having around who I know wouldn't accept me. Not only this, I used to not mind it but after deep thinking, the mere thought of gay sex by theory disgusts me to be quite honest despite the fact that I love and am attracted to men, muscles and all haha. I'm sure I will get over this though. I apologize for this damn near essay, I don't even know if I can call this a call for help, maybe it's a rant? If I wanted I could go on and on forever about this stuff like about my toxic ex and so forth. But yeah if you actually take the time to read this, thanks.