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Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

SUMMARY TO SAVE READING: insecurity, being taken advantage of, lost friends, lost trust of family, bad break up

 

I don't know why I'm writing here. Theres bigger things in the world, much bigger things. I once heard an ad for this on spotify and was reminded of it due to my utter abandonment at the current moment. I've had problems in the past (harm, family situation, severe insecurity etc), but this year, my year of graduation, things were looking up. Naturally there were some problems but I was at a decent place for majority of the year. I didn't appreciate it enough. 

 

Funny enough my year was ruined based on my own actions, at the place I was supposed to celebrate my achievements, schoolies. Before this year I was invisible, and finally people started to notice me properly, and I've done things I regret from this sudden attention. Being extremely insecure, my focus at parties changed from my friends to having my own self worth based on the attention and actions of boys. This was very much the same at schoolies, being free for the first time, I let go. 

 

I was staying with a close group of girl friends in an amazing house, we had strict rules so we could get the bond for the place back, as we all needed the money. One of these rules were for no boys to be in the house, as we could not control their actions. 

 

On the first night of the festival, our house was broken into by some distant 'friends'. This made me sick knowing these guys were going through my stuff, the same emotion for my friends. It only grew our caution. On the same night I met two amazing guys (lets call them number 1 and 2), and as I do, lost my own feet. On the second night, I went back to the stay of number 1, and did stuff I never have. Problem here is I have questioned his intentions after, as I was extremely drunk and don't remember much at all. I do remember him offering me more to drink. I cant remember a thing other than that. Did he take advantage of me, as i know sober I would have never done what I did, and I think i told him that.  I was disgusted with myself after, and instead of my friends, ran to seek the comfort of boy number 2. I spent the rest of the time with boy 2. My whole weekend. I brought him to my place. The one with strict rules. 

 

The next day my best friends confronted me, as what I did was wrong, bringing in a stranger and violating their comfort. They were worried about me at other times also, at a point also believing I had been hurt as I did not return their calls. I had stopped caring about them stupidly, I was extremely selfish just trying to quench my own insecurity. I was kicked out early, my dream weekend a nightmare as I not only let everyone use me but also lost the people who actually cared about me. I was/still am in a tangle of lies to them in an attempt to get them back. My friends grew worse in aggression, I sent thousands of apologies and cried to them in public but they only became more dismissive of my existence. The only person speaking to me was boy 2, who eventually also abandoned me a few weeks later. A horrible break up for someone I had known a few weeks, but really connected with and saw almost daily. My friends became more cold knowing i was with the individual they were uncomfortable with. My family, also very strict, discovered all of this and henceforth also are not speaking to me. 

 

I guess the point is im at a place with no friends, family, self-respect and affection. Someone very broken to begin with now completely alone, with not one person to tell this to. i know i'm rambling and it seems extremely basic and childish as I have not written details. I didn't want to let myself go like that, i didn't want to anything with anyone (let alone 2 people I had just met), and I didn't want to upset my friends because I risked their security. I graduated proud with so many people around me, and only a few short months later, have no one. I sit inside and don't move from the same spot all day. 

 

How can I get my friends back? What can I possibly do to prove how sorry I am, how awful I feel? 

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

Hi @navyblue, how very brave of you to write that all out, how do you feel getting all of that off your chest?

First of all, congratulations on getting through high school, that is an accomplishment in itself!

I guess what's stood out that I'd like to say to you about what's happened over the schoolies period until now, is to remember to be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes.

It seems like you are really pretty down at the moment, would we be able to give you some information to get some help?

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

Hey @navyblue welcome to RO!

 

This seems a lot to be processing and is obviously having a massive impact. I'm sorry that things are so tough right now.

My advice would be to talk to someone, one on one. A professional for example a helpline like kids helpline could be a good place to go. They would have heard a lot of similar things before. There number is 1800 55 1800, but they also have a web chat option if you don't want to call.

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

@loves netball I have to agree Kids Helpline would be a perfect place to talk too, right now!

Have you made contact with them in the past @navyblue?

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

@loves netballthank you (: naturally ive just been scared of anonymity and the fear of calling, but I will give it a try

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

@Sally-ROIt feels good to have someone external to the equation know whats going on and reading it. In regards to finishing high school I ended up doing really well and just wanted to celebrate with my friends (naturally that couldn't happen). It's hard not to beat myself up over it since its caused this huge domino impact on everyone around me. Anything to help people forgive me, or maybe even understanding thought processes after alcohol consumption because im trying to decide if i really wanted what happened to me, or if it was just the drink.

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

@navyblue it's completely normal to have all of these questions about things that may have happened that have never happened in your life before.

Add on top of that the stress and negative result (not having anyone around)...would make me question who that person was for that weekend like you are now.

Sometimes our emotions get the better of us (let's say confusion, sadness for you, and possibly disappointment, anger, annoyance from your friends), but the beauty is that time reveals which people are meant to stay in our lives and are worth our time, and I hope this is what becomes apparent for you.

Unfortunately I'm logging off for the night - do you think you will be able to give Kids Helpline a call tonight? Speaking with a counsellor to explore all of these questions, the meaning you are putting to it and the impact it's having on you mentally/emotionally/probably physically would great.

Let us know how you are doing tomorrow and during the week!

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

@Sally-RO You're definitely right about the time factor and I agree thats the case, its just inconvenient in the present. I will try Kids Helpline, thank you!

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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

Hey @navyblue Smiley Happy

 

I just want to echo what the others have already said - it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of pretty intense stuff right now and you're doing a really brave thing by reaching out. How did you go with giving Kids Helpline a call?

______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish
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Re: Schoolies Mistakes - Now Completely Alone

Hey @navyblue I just wanna say I'm so sorry for what has happened when it's supposed to be such a relaxed period. You should definitely not be so hard on yourself for this I just finished high school as well and a lot people do stupid things that they end up regretting later. 

I think you should tell at least one of your friends completely what happened during schoolies and I think if they were truly your friends they would help and support you.