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Alone, lost and confused

I feel so confused and like I don't belong anywhere. I'm doing a heap of MH training at the moment for uni to be a clinician but I'm also a consumer and feel so out of place when certain things are raised. I feel guilty for being there and like I don't belong and can't make this work. Like sometimes when we talk about other mental illness which I don't have I feel mostly fine, it still affects me but like I'm able to still function and feel really motivated to graduate and work with consumers but then when the illnesses I'm 'diagnosed' with are raised I feel like a fraud and like I shouldn't be there and I'm so scared I'm going to get found out and kicked out. I know it's stupid but it's how I feel and I can't really talk about it on here or explain it because I'm so scared I've already said too much and someone is going to figure out who I am and then I will be kicked out. I guess I just feel very confused and like I am lying to everyone. It's like there are two of me, one who is able to mask everything so well on the outside and actually be doing so well that clinicians are saying they keep forgetting I'm a student and then there's me who is literally dying on the inside and barely functioning. It's like I'm one person when I'm with them and fight so hard to keep everything hidden and under control and then as soon as I leave I'm a complete and utter mess. I know I'm not allowed to talk about it on here but yeah. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and am so sick of hiding everything because I'm so exhausted but I know if I don't I'm almost certain I'm going to end up in hospital or in the clinic they tried to get me to go to but yeah anyway that's another story. I just don't belong anywhere and I feel like I have no one because I've pushed everyone away without meaning to but I just do and then I hate myself so much for it but I can't help it. I always ruin everything. 

MB95
MB95Posted 11-08-2021 06:28 PM

Comments

 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 12-08-2021 07:00 PM

Hey @MB95 I'm sorry you're going through such a shitty time 😞 I'm proud of you for opening up about what's been going on because it can be really hard and it sounds like you're so used to hiding stuff. I don't think there's such a thing as a support person who has all their shit together 😛 We're all humans, we all feel things, we all can feel like we're frauds or like we're messing up at times. I don't mean to invalidate what you're feeling, I just want to stress that there are people who are feeling similar things and you aren't alone.

 

They say that people with lived experience can understand other people going through mental health struggles on a different level, like they can really empathise with the person because they've 'been there' (or are still on their recovery journey). Although that can be really hard to believe. I remember a psychiatrist said that to me once when I was being sent to hospital and I was like wtf and thought she was only saying that. But in a way it's true. I feel like I have an understanding of things I mightn't have understood in this way if I had just heard it in theory?

 

If someone asked me right now to do what you're doing, I would freak out. I would feel like such a fraud and like I was the least qualified person to be helping others cause I feel like I can't do shit and I would feel pressured to feel and act 'happy' and 'hopeful'. Like I did a job interview recently for a peer work role and I was freaking out lol but I'm thanking my lucky stars that I did not get the job. But the thing is a part of me did want the job because I wanted to try and support people. But if I had gotten it I would be in a state 😬 So I think it's awesome and brave you're doing this work just cause the idea of talking to people about their problems can be scary in general but also it can be really hard to think we're capable when we're struggling so much. I think you're capable MB95! Tearing up is okay, it means you have empathy for people, right?

 
 
MB95
MB95Posted 12-08-2021 08:13 PM

Thanks lost. I don't really have a choice in doing it lol It's mandatory for uni so I'm definitely not brave. I have come close a few times to dropping out cause I'm struggling to keep myself safe but in a strange way I know it's also the only thing that is keeping me safe cause I have to actually show up so I am trying so hard to push myself to keep going because it won't end well if I don't but then it just makes me worse. It's too hard to explain I guess I'm just stuck between wanting to give up completely and wanting to try and be that professional who has her shit together? Idk. Totally feeling that pressure to be 'happy' and 'hopeful' so I'm hearing ya. I'm so exhausted and just yeah I can't really say obviously but anyway things just aren't great. Also I think you would make such an INCREDIBLE peer worker. Honestly, I think you'd be amazing!! Is it something you might keep in mind for another time? Cause I feel like it's right up your alley? I actually learnt about their role a little yesterday in some training and could definitely see you doing it! 

 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 12-08-2021 09:28 PM

I still think it's brave @MB95 because I'm pretty sure there are mandatory things I've opted out of in the past cause I was scared 😆 I'm sorry stuff has been so bad you've considered dropping out 😞 Could it be worth reaching out to disability services or academic support if you need? I get what you mean about it keeping you safe, that's the thing about commitments, they are a good way of keeping us safe! It can be frustrating having commitments when we don't want to be safe but I'm glad it's a protective factor because we all want you to be safe! I don't know there are so many things I'm considering doing but I don't really know what I *really* want to do so I'm just frozen waiting for something to eventuate when that's not how the world works 😅 Frick, I'm talking about myself AGAIN 😭 Side note I was thinking of watching madagascar 3 on the weekend, do you wanna join? 🙂

 
 
 
 
MB95
MB95Posted 12-08-2021 10:50 PM

That's okay, I much prefer it when you talk about yourself so it's all good! 😊 I have thought about contacting them but without going into it too much basically its connected to the wellbeing service my psych works in and I'm paranoid they will tell her stuff and yeah anyway I am just scared she will hate me even more. I don't think they can really do a whole lot anyway. Like I need to do this or else I don't pass. That sounds like fun! I can't watch it tomorrow but maybe Saturday or Sunday night if you're free? I'm sorry I missed the second. I was in full self destruct mode and yeah. I hope someone else was able to watch it with you!

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 12-08-2021 11:52 PM

You could always contact them and specifically ask that they don't contact the wellbeing service? They have to respect that right? Idk they might be able to help somehow? You don't know unless you ask right? 🙂 Yay saturday or sunday work for me! 🙂 And that's okay you can check out my commentary lol or watch it yourself to catch up 😛 Don't stress about missing it or even if you miss the next one, it's totally okay to take space. Not sure about the self destruct part though 😢 Taking space to be kind to yourself though is encouraged

 
rumi1207
rumi1207Posted 11-08-2021 07:49 PM

Hey @MB95

 

I really hope that you are doing okay, and know that you are not ruining things. It seems clear to me that you have a passion for mental health, and a lot of this stems from your personal experience? (Also, thank you for sharing your experience so honestly, that takes such courage and strength!)

 

I understand how you feel about feeling out of place. I work as a support worker at the moment, and sometimes feel like I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing because I struggle so much with my own mental health - like how am I supposed to support someone else if I can't always support myself? I have learnt over time that growing through your own personal experience does genuinely help you better help others within mental health work. And especially if your super passionate about the field, I'm sure you'll do really well. 

 

I hope you don't feel like you have to hide as well, because it is okay to be not okay. 

 

Sending lots of love and light your way 🙂 

 
 
MB95
MB95Posted 11-08-2021 08:43 PM

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. And I do get it, like everyone has their shit going on but idk its hard to explain. Like I have cried in with consumers because I can relate too much to what they are saying and I have to hide it. Well actually cry isn't the right word more teared up and disconnected cause if I cry I will for sure be asked to leave and probs told to not come back until I'm sorted. But I keep tearing up in sessions and try and stay present and make it through. I'm so scared for when it's my turn to actually be running it rather than observing cause idk if I'm gonna be able to hide it as easy with them staring at me. Like idk it's too much to explain and I need to be careful. I do get other clinicians probably have their own shit going on but I do feel like they are able to manage themselves whereas I can't. And I can almost guarantee they aren't SH when they go home or attempting stupid shit. Like idk sorry I know I can't talk about that here so yeah I'll leave it there. But I like how you call it a mask of professionalism Matt cause that's exactly what it is, or at least what I try SO HARD for it to be!!! In a way its nice cause it forces you to push your shit aside in order to show up and help others so its like I actually get to be free from myself for a bit but then at the same time it only takes a tiny thing to trigger me and I start to spiral. Idk. Like I said, I totally get others have shit going on but I just feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this because I seem to lack the whole being able to cope thing. Idk. And yeah Rumi, I am so passionate about MH and illness and I guess it is because of my own experiences. I just don't ever want anyone to feel like I do because I'd never wish it on anyone so I guess I wanna try and help prevent/stop that where I can? Idk. I know it's stupid but yeah. 

 
 
 
Matt-RO
Matt-ROPosted 11-08-2021 09:01 PM

Hi @MB95 ,

 

I feel you, I am sorry to hear it has been such a struggle. But I feel like you shouldn't have to harm yourself to help others. Always, always, always put yourself before your client. This may sound selfish, but through helping yourself, you can further help others. Self-care and recognising how difficult this work...is so key from my experience.

 

What supports are you receiving at the moment? Have you been able to discuss this at all with a supervisor?

 

I found if I spend too much time ruminating about what I could do differently, or feeling like I need to sacrifice myself for the client, it always leads to worse outcomes. Healthy boundaries about what client population I can engage with, and where my comfort levels are means I can work well with people that I can help.

 

Where do you feel your boundaries are with your studies at the moment?

 

Capacity to provide space isn't a static property, it's fluid. Somedays can be awful, some weeks can be hard, some years can be difficult. Your capacity for work will change with time. Sometimes I've been able to handle anything without pause. Other times, I can barely think if a client raises their voice at me during a session. This means I've changed roles or taken on less work when things are difficult and I am not coping well and I am okay with that. 

 

What do you think you can change about your current studies that will allow you to work at the capacity you are comfortable with?


I hope this is helpful and I'm not dumping too many questions on you. 

 
 
 
 
MB95
MB95Posted 11-08-2021 09:30 PM

I don't have any supports and I can't talk to my supervisor about it because I don't want to worry her. She is amazing but I just can't. She shouldn't have to worry about me and I know she will ask me to take time off which will make me worse because it's all I have right now. It's literally the only reason I get out of bed each day. It's a struggle but its getting me out the house and giving me something to actually look forward to (most days). We talk about consumers protective factors and it's the only one I have right now so I can't stuff it up. 

 
 
 
 
 
Matt-RO
Matt-ROPosted 11-08-2021 09:56 PM

Hi @MB95 ,

 

It must be so hard to do this alone and without supports. You are an absolute juggernaut to have done so well so far!

 

I would really encourage you to open up somewhat to your supervisor about what is going on.

 

You don't have to tell them everything, you know what your limits are. But things such as tearing up, feeling disconnected, feeling triggered at work. These are all very normal things to happen in the course of support work or counselling.

 

It's happened to me, it's happened to every clinician, 100% guaranteed.   

 

I have cried at work before after a difficult intervention (while working in a different role). It does happen.

 

That is where your supervisor can support you, they can help you work on boundaries, know your trigger areas, watch your blind spots to tell you when they think you need to slow down. 

 

I have spoken to many supervisors about this exact thing before, and we always just talk through it. I have found it feels alot better afterwards. 

 

You are doing good, trust me! 😁

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
MB95
MB95Posted 11-08-2021 10:13 PM

Thanks Matt. It's not really that hard doing it alone. Like it sucks but I've become so used to not having anyone that I wouldn't even know how to be if I did have someone if that makes sense? I just get super awkward and attached when someone shows they care and yeah I don't do well with it so might just avoid that but thank you for the suggestion. Supports just never end well for me. I'm better at being a support than receiving it. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me though! 

 
 
 
 
 
Matt-RO
Matt-ROPosted 11-08-2021 10:29 PM

Hi @MB95 ,

 

You're welcome, I have the utmost confidence that you will work out the right balance for you someday.

 

It takes alot of time to work these things out sometimes, but one of the benefits of a mental health pathway is that you can keeping talking to people your whole life until you are old and wrinkled.

 

I try to always remind myself that it's a marathon not a sprint, and that I am only competing with myself.

 

Also as long as there's pizza on the journey I can make it. 😁

 

 
Matt-RO
Matt-ROPosted 11-08-2021 06:46 PM

Hi @MB95 ,

 

 

Wow, it takes a lot of courage to talk about that. If I was to be honest with you. I can imagine a lot of clinicians would like to be able to open up like you just did and speak honestly about the difficulties they experience while managing their own mental health and feeling like a fraud in their profession.

 

I can 100% say that you are not alone in having a mental health issue and supporting people with their mental health. It is much more common than is discussed. I personally have struggled with my mental health, particularly while finishing my masters a few years ago and I can relate to a lot of what you are talking about.

 

I know from my experience, sometimes I get caught in the trap that I imagine that all the other clinicians I encounter are some how more put together, more well read than me or are able to handle things better. This may be true on occasion, but often people are doing exactly what I think you are doing and what I do when I am at work. Putting on a mask of professionalism to deal with the difficulties of our job and to handle countertransference. On the inside…they are still experiencing the same highs and lows we are.

 

So I can wholeheartedly say, I don’t think you are a fraud. You are just human like me, doing the best that they can. 😊

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