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Feeling spill
Hey guys so I honestly do not know how to talk that well so I'm just going to try and type it out and see how I go.
Lately I've been feeling really upset. I've been feeling like my friends talk behind my back and idk why, i just get really paranoid and I feel like everyone is against me and hates me and I don't feel loved. I feel selfish for that because I know heaps of people are there for me but I just don't feel like they're *there* for me if you know what i mean? I don't know. I don't know why I act like i do, why i'm so immature and why i can't handle my feelings like a normal 16 year old and i dont know why I flip-flop from feelings and why i get the feeling i have to fling my arms around when i'm upset and why one minute i want physical contact then the next i absolutely hate it and when someone touches me i feel like crying.
One friend i am particularly close with, "F", has a bf "Z" who is my mutual friend. F and i are really close and we talk to each other but when we make physical contact such as holding hands when walking or hugging or even sitting next to each other, Z gets really annoyed and smacks my hand/arm away from F. Even though F initiates the contact I feel like its my fault and that i'm doing something wrong. Mind you, my sister M and Z hold hands a lot and hug so i dont know.
I also feel like I have austism or something like that as multiple people with autism/kids that have autism have told my mum that she should get me diagnosed for autism. She doesnt think psychology is real and part of me wants to get diagnosed but part of me feels like im putting it on. im just confused as fuck.
Comments
Hey @SwiggitySwoog
It sounds like things are difficult at the current moment. Look, being 16 is hard. It’s just an awkward time in development and everything is so complicated. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel loved. It’s hard to have people physically be there but still having the sense of being alone. It sounds like that might be a lack of connection. Is there anyone you feel connected too and who you feel loves you? Can you bring up your fears/thoughts you’ve been having with your friends? They might be able to give you some reassurance.
Handling emotions well comes naturally for some and is a great challenge for others. Emotion regulation is also continually developed even during adulthood. You really can’t have it figured out at 16. You’ll continue to learn techniques that work for you (and I’m sure you already have). If what works for you is “immature” or different that’s perfectly okay. There’s no right way to do things.
Would you be able to talk about this with F and/or Z? It might be helpful to get some clarity on what is going on or what they want you to do. It’s really easy for things to be miscommunicated especially if you have difficulty with understanding social situations (I speak from experience).
If you think autism is something that might fit, look into it (if you haven’t already). There’s a whole bunch of questionnaires (like the aspie quiz) that might be able to provide clarification or at least some indication of what’s going on. If you’re concerned about ‘just putting it on’, ask yourself: do I behave like this when no one else is around? If the answer is yes, you probably aren’t. Even if you are unable to get a diagnosis due to your mum’s opinions, having an understanding for yourself might make a world of difference.
It is confusing but it will become easier and easier. Find what works for you and try not to worry too much about being ‘normal.’ Normal is not morally superior, it’s just one of the multitude of options.
Hi @Lapis_Anteater
Thanks for replying, yeah, being 16 sucks. To answer some of your questions, yes i've brought the talking behind my back with my friends and they've assured me they dont but we've had quite a few dramas so there was some talking about me and they collectively agree I can be annoying which i understand but nevertheless still hurts like a bitch.
I have talked to F about it and he thinks its weird how Z acts when its F that initiates it but we manage to spend time together still and Z has said in the past its a jealousy thing and thought it was that i had a crush on F, when i dont.
I have and yes, its showed that I would probably be diagnosed with autism and/or ADHD or something lik that.
Thnak you so much for your support, it means a lot to have someone to talk to about this xxx
Hey @SwiggitySwoog
Ah right. It must be harder to believe them if they’ve already talk about you without you. It sucks being told you’re annoying. Everyone is annoying sometimes but it’s never something you want to hear from people you’re close too.
Z sounds a bit insecure (not uncommon at all especially when you’re young). It’s good to know that you’re not in the wrong and that you are about to spend time with F still. Have they been dating for a while?
I found that researching (and eventually getting diagnosed with) autism and ADHD helped to explain some of the things that I struggle with. There are so many traits that I thought were just me not trying hard enough or blamed myself for but were being auDHD. I really hope that your understanding can help you to have more compassion/patience for yourself.
Hey @SwiggitySwoog ,
Thank you for sharing what's been happening for you. I acknowledge it may not be the easiest thing to do right now. I hear how hard it is for you at the moment with so much going on - how you are feeling amongst your friendship group, all the questions going through your mind, a possible autism diagnosis as well as your mum who doesn't believe psychology is real.
Would it be fair to say that you have been thinking over and over again about what has been happening amongst your friends? It is understandable you feel upset and confused. You mentioned your feel like everyone is talking behind your back. Would you consider letting your friends know this is how you are feeling e.g. "I sometimes feel people are talking behind my back and this makes me feel unloved and that everyone is against me - is there something you want to talk about?" This may clarify things and help you refocus on what is important for you in a friendship.
You also mentioned that you feel immature and why can't you act like a normal 16 year old? Is there a certain way you want to be behaving as a 16 year old? I know you mentioned flinging your arms and that you flip-flop from feelings. I'm wondering if these feelings are what regular teenagers feel? Have a read/watch of this. It may help you understand some of this 'confusion' of mixed emotions - 'How to deal with mixed emotions'. It also has some good tips that you may find helpful when things just seem to be too much.
As for physical touch - maybe it's totally okay that you want to be close to someone at times, and then you don't want to be touched at other times. This is certainly not uncommon. Someone might be having a difficult day and just wants some time alone while for others, they may want a hug - can we say either is 'wrong'? Maybe, it's about seeking consent first e.g. 'I feel like a hug. Is that okay?' I'm sure no one expects you to be exactly the same ALL THE TIME - this would make us a little.....supernatural?
As for the autism diagnosis... I read that your mum doesn't believe in psychology. Would she be open to hearing that you are struggling with friendships at school? I'm keen to hear her response.
Above all, take one step at a time. That's all anyone can ask. When things get too overwhelming, focus on some self-care or whatever works for you e.g. going for a walk, crying, listening to music, journalling, painting, boxing, cycling... you pick!
You are not alone.