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Feeling unloveable

Hey everyone

First post on here so bear with me for a second. I'm just here to vent a little atm so here goes nothing.

For context. My ex gf broke up with me about 4 months ago due to mental health issues and the relationship simply not working out. We were together for 2 months. And let me tell you those were the best two months of my entire life. Everything felt like it was looking up for me. It became difficult because i admittedly was going against my parents wishes who told me never to have a partner, but I did anyways because it made me happy. But if they found out, God knows what would happen to me, I'd likely get kicked out of the house best case scenario. It made it difficult to connect with her sometimes. Then eventually it ended on good terms where she stated she wasn't ready for a relationship for a while. Stung so bad, and when I thought I was at my lowest, it got even worse.

Exactly one month later when I thought she wasn't ready. Here she is, with another person appearing so much happier than with me, she then became very cold with me and often flexed about her new man as well as her sex life, which as a virgin, made me so uncomfortable as well as ashamed for not going forward with it with her because I was scared. It eventually got to the point where I just got so mad and upset I ended up blocking her and everyone associated with her on instagram etc. Turned to friends etc who told me everything is gonna be ok.

While I am over her and losing her, what im not over with is missing having a relationship in the first place. Over my life I had dealt with emotional neglect, bullying, violence as well as severe social anxiety and anxiety in general. and lately over the last couple years I felt so lonely that I said I would die alone and no one would ever care and love me. Now over the last few months that feeling is back and it's worse than it ever was. I miss the feeling of being held. The first kiss, hugs and hand holding. The good morning texts and others like it. Now I feel I'm never ever going to get it back and feeling pretty low about it. Trying to distract myself by preparing for exams this upcoming term but the thoughts keep creeping up on me and overwhelming.

Sorry for seeming like a poor me post I just wanted to vent my frustrations and see if there's anyone out there like me or has helpful advice for me to deal with this issue I'm having on a topic that's very important to me that I'm still yet to acquire

Thx guys! 🙏

Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 05-10-2024 09:33 PM

Comments

 
Catlover101
Catlover101Posted 07-10-2024 11:52 AM

Hi @Gojishura

Thank you for opening up. Definitely isn't a poor me post. Your feelings are valid and this feels like a tough situation. I am glad you have felt comfortable enough to post and reach out to others as I am sure their are others who can relate to your position.

Good job for getting over her, if I am being honest she doesn't sound very nice if she was trying to flex her new relationship in your face after you guys just seperated.

Wanting a relationship and companionship is also completely normal and I have a lot of friends that crave that connection. It is a hard issue to tackle because you can't just conjure up the perfect girlfriend and be happily ever after hahaha otherwise I think we all would.

What you can do is be open to new people, honest with your feelings, and love yourself. Relationships and love dont happen overnight, it requires time and effort. If you see someone or meet someone you have an interest in, don't be afraid to express it or ask them out. You never know where it could lead! and you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Also as much as it sucks to think about. Not everyone is going to be the perfect partner. People date for months before realising its not working and thats ok too. You gotta be prepared for that as well. Vulnerable enough to put yourself out there and try but strong enough to deal with it if it doesn't work out.

Stay hopeful, I promise you their are not just one but sooooo many people out there who would love you. Just because you haven't found some of them yet doesn't mean they aren't there.

Learn from the relationship you had with this girl what things you want in a partner and communication and take it into the next. You got this. Love yourself and surround yourself with the people you love. You aren;t just loveable but you are loved right now, by your friends, your family and so many others. A romantic relationship will come in time but don't forget that love is all around you in other forms!

 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 07-10-2024 11:36 PM

Hiya @Catlover101 thx for the encouraging words of reassurance.

If I could just ask. Since I have like major social anxiety and being scared going up to talk to anyone even if I just wanna be a friend with them and have no interest in romantic relationships. Never actually don't it before since my ex was the one who initiated the conversation and was the first to confess feelings. Also kinda scared of getting hurt because even though I've never been rejected I've been told by a lot of people to not even try since I'm not what others would call "attractive" (even though that's subjective idk why I'd be worried about that). Anyways rant/lore dump over I just wanted to ask, what's your best advice to get over those feelings?

 
 
 
Catlover101
Catlover101Posted 21-10-2024 01:38 PM

Honestly, it is hard. That is first thing to realise. It is scary and no one likes rejection, putting yourself out there is tough. Getting hurt is unfortunately inherantly part of the process of opening yourself up to love. You can never guarantee you aren't going to get hurt or rejected but without trying you are inadvertantly shutting yourself off from something you want that could also be really great.

I don't think I have advice that is going to be easy. But I really do think just shooting your shot and preparing yourself for rejection. Not everyone is going to be interested in you thats normal. but that doesn't mean there aren't many others who would be interested. Try not to let rejection or being hurt deter you as much as it may. Every person is different so treat them as such. Just because someone may say no doesnt mean the next person won't be interested

Also I feel like working on self confidence is always a great way to prime you for rejection. Like a bit of a force field. I am a firm believer on you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Helps with the inevitable rejections throughout the process hahaha. Knowing your own awesomeness and how great of a partner you know you can be is important. 

Put your self out there. As awkward as it can be sometimes its worth it. Even if nothing comes from it, meeting you people and having the chance to connect in any form is a gift in of itself.

Social anxiety is super tough and if you want some proper advice definitely see a psych or councelour if you can. I have had friends learn great things from them and really helped to combat there anxious responses to social situations.Trying to combat social fears with friends or aquaintances first may also help for prepertion when it is someone you have romantic interest in too!

I wish you the best of luck. You are wonderful and you have got this!

 
 
 
Bel_RO
Bel_ROPosted 08-10-2024 11:12 AM

Hey @Gojishura,

I just wanted to jump in here as from your original post I can see that you have experienced so much heartache and trauma, and were left feeling unlovable. This would’ve been really difficult for you. I can hear that navigating major social anxiety has been incredibly tough for you, and that you’re also scared of getting hurt which is really understandable. It sounds like that the support from others has been reassuring and validating for you, which is so beautiful to hear. 

 

Having social anxiety can be overwhelming and frustrating at times. It can be super helpful to receive professional support around this, so I am curious to know if you’re seeing a professional about this? It is also important to engage in self-care when you're going through a tough time, so I am interested to know what you have been doing to take care of yourself during this time?

 

I want to share this topic with you on Anxiety that has a number of articles which explore how you can cope and manage your anxiety. I also encourage you to connect with ReachOut’s PeerChat service for additional support around this. PeerChat is free and confidential, and is available for young people aged 16 to 25. 

 

An email was also sent to you over the weekend to check in with you offline. Have you had a chance to have a look at it yet?

 

I hope this is helpful for you and look forward to hearing from you soon!

 
 
 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 09-10-2024 11:29 PM

Hey @Bel_RO

 

Nah I haven't got around to a professional as of right now due to not having much time on my hands due to other commitments

How I have been taking care of myself is simply excersising and partaking in my regular everyday hobbies I do

As far as an email I'm not sure I got one. However it may have been lost in junk or spam after a clean out of those.

Thx again

 
 
 
 
 
Marimo-RO
Marimo-ROPosted 10-10-2024 12:02 PM

Hi @Gojishura,

Thank you for your reply! I'm really glad to see that you've been able to do some self-care through exercise and hobbies. It's understandable that time commitments can make it harder to contact a mental health professional. Headspace may be helpful to you as they have a eHeadspace service where you can connect with a mental health clinician via webchat or over the phone.

I also wanted to let you know that we have sent you another email! Please check your spam in case it turns up there!

 
Spotrole
SpotrolePosted 05-10-2024 10:42 PM

Hi @Gojishura

Thank you for reaching out

 

It sounds like you're going through alot, and your frustrations and feelings of missing a close intimate relationship are extremely valid considering your circumstances. 

 

I think dissociating from your ex gf and others on ig is a really wise idea to help prevent opening up old wounds further, at least that's what I've found personally. While I havent experienced your exact situation, I've faced something similar.

 

I found that staying away from social media for a while, including things like tiktok and ig reels, helped me overcome negative coping strategies like doom scrolling. While in the short term its a quick escape from feelings of jealousy or low self-esteem, I find that it makes me feel more drained out emotionally in the long run, and so I try to avoid it.

 

I think with certain relationships that unfortunately weren't meant to be, it can feel horrible in the months after, and those negative emotions are very fluctuating and unpredictable. I found that while it's really difficult, focussing on myself and doing healthy things that make me happy are much better than trying to chase a new relationship, just for the feeling of validation, or to patch up those empty feeling. For me this was getting into the gym, trying to lift heavy, and keep my mind occupied with something else - music or true crime podcasts. 

 

I really hope my insights help, and that you start feeling better soon 🙂

 

 

 

 

 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 05-10-2024 10:47 PM

Hey @Spotrole

Appreciate the thoughts and insights and I heavily agree with them. Things have been slowly improving in other aspects of my life but it's always just that one thing that's super annoying that bugs me and I can't seem to get rid of it. Also agree with the gym bit. Just recently started the journey to get in some shape mostly due to body image issues and its been helping my mental quite a lot as of late

 
 
 
Spotrole
SpotrolePosted 05-10-2024 10:51 PM

I totally get what you mean. No-one is perfect, and EVERYONE has something they're struggling with, but the good thing is that you're not bottling that up anymore, and I think that's really important for your mental wellbeing.

 

Also, I'm really happy to hear that you're starting your fitness journey! What does that look like for you at the moment?

 
 
 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 05-10-2024 10:54 PM

Yeah bottling up is a big mistake I've made in the past haha

As far as fitness. There's a club I joined at my school for a few days a week until I can find a real gym and come up with the money for but other than that currently working towards being able to do my first ever pull up lol

 
 
 
 
 
Spotrole
SpotrolePosted 05-10-2024 11:02 PM

Ayy that's nice. Don't sweat it on going to a real gym if you don't have the money, lot's of really nice body-weight stuff that you can do. The one thing tik-tok n all is actually good for is the fitness advice haha. There's alot of good stuff you can look out for in the calisthenics space (deadhangs and scap pull ups are goated) Trust me that feeling you're gonna get when you do that first pull up is gonna be absolutely AMAZING😂

 
 
 
 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 05-10-2024 11:09 PM

I've looked on tiktok and youtube for stuff like that 😄. Still gonna try a real gym because the people I've spoken to about what they do seem genuinely nice and said they would love to see a young skinny nerdy boy like myself haha. That was coming from some people who I saw on instagram mostly features people that looked like they could be body builders XD

 
 
 
 
 
Spotrole
SpotrolePosted 05-10-2024 11:27 PM

Definitely, a real gym definitely helps. Try to wait for a good deal before joining! You're also very right, the gym community is surprisingly extremely wholesome, I'm sure things will begin looking up for you soon enough :))

 
Astra-RO
Astra-ROPosted 05-10-2024 10:23 PM

Hey @Gojishura thanks for reaching out about how you've been feeling after losing your relationship, it sounds like you've been having a really hard time lately.

 

I think it makes a lot of sense these feelings of loneliness have come back worse than ever after losing this connection which was making you so happy. When something good that we were missing gets taken away, it can make it all the more painful. I can hear you've also been dealing with a lot through your life with anxiety, bullying, neglect, and violence, as well as your parents being against you ever having a partner. 

 

I want to acknowledge that despite all of this, you've shown so much resilience in pushing through and even making that connection in the first place. Though it may have not worked out in the end, it sounds like during the time when you were together, the connection was positive and genuine, and that's not a small thing.

 

I just wanted to share this resource on coping with a break-up in case it's helpful. You mentioned experiencing neglect and violence, as well as worrying about being kicked out by your parents, so I also wanted to share the service 1800 Respect if you're wanting more support with this.

 

I just wanted to let you know I've moved your post to heavy feels and we'll be sending an email shortly as well so please keep an eye out for that

 
 
Gojishura
GojishuraPosted 05-10-2024 10:42 PM

Hi @Astra-RO

Thanks for the reply makes me feel quite validated so thank you.

Oh and thanks got letting me know about the moving my post somewhere else stuff. I thought It had somehow got deleted haha 😄 

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