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Frustrated at my parents

I've just about had it with my parents. My mum gets upset when people don't want to do what she wants to do. And she is one of those people that always wants to be doing something, while I really like just chilling out with my music, journalling or writing or scrolling Insta. So she complains that we're wasting our time. Like she doesn't see the value of rest.

And then she'll get angry when we don't do things. And I'll just be silent because I know she'll get even more upset if I talk. Even just saying what I want to do. I've learnt how to keep my emotions in check but sometimes, it's just retreat to my room or I'll lash out or cry. 

And if I'm on my phone, she'll ask who I'm messaging. Doesn't it occur to her that I might not even be messaging anyone? And like I'd tell her anyway. The last time I told her, she thought I was getting too close to them and made so we couldn't talk anymore. Then when I say I'm not telling, she says I'm secretive. Like she would tell me if I asked her, not that I would.

And in the last month, I finally told her I was struggling with depression and anxiety. And that took all my courage to, because we don't talk about emotions. And then pretty much the next day, she said I was secretive again. It's like she only sees what I don't tell her, even when I've just told her so much. That hurt me so much I didn't want to talk to her more about it. But I had to anyway.

So often we will pull each other down with our words, sometimes partly out of self-defense. And I know that needs to be changed but I don't know how. And there is no way I'm talking to my family about this. We don't talk about emotions. And I don't want to start now.

And my dad. So often he is just so self-focused. And he'll say things about us to people which make us seem weird or bad, when he's the same. Like he said to someone that we didn't like seafood. He doesn't himself. Bad example, but it made us seem weird when he's the same.

Anyway, my parents seem to think the family revolves around them. Like we have to do what they want. And my dad sometimes asks our opinion. Like what do we want to eat, do, etc. then when we give it, even if we all say one thing, if he wants to do the other, he'll do it anyway. Like what was the point of asking of you weren't going to listen to what we wanted?

When I'm around them for too long, I will be emotionally exhausted. And I'll need to just go and calm down with my music.

Anyway, sorry for this long rant. Thanks for those who listen.

Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 22-01-2024 12:48 AM

Comments

 
Orchid_Mallard
Orchid_MallardPosted 04-02-2024 11:59 PM

Hey @Lemon_Dolphin

Sadly these are always stuff that would happen around the house, even if you have communicated to them on your opinion or ideas. Also it's completely ok for a long rant, especially from what had just happened. 

While there are some methods of helping around this situation such as having family meetings or family counselling, but that would be in your opinion on what to do.

Although we as the ReachOut community can't help with the situation directly. you are always welcome to rant and vent about your emotions. Especially it's good for when expressing your feelings if there isn't anyone close to you wanting to actively listen to it.

 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 25-01-2024 10:42 PM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin

I feel you and I am going through the exact same things. My mum always wants to do something and complains when I'm on my phone and asks who I am talking to. I'm happy I only have to put up with it now when I visit. 

I'm pleased you have an outlet and are able to listen to music. 

I know it's awful what you're going through, but we can get through it together. 

Have you been able to talk to anyone about what is happening? 

I'm thinking of you!

 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 25-01-2024 10:54 PM

@Red_Flamingo I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to. And I feel like when I share hard stuff or what I'm actually feeling, I'm a burden to them or I'm just complaining. And it's hard when they know my parents. And even talking about other deep stuff is hard. I feel like it's one sided. I'll tell them deep stuff and they don't really. 

 

Sorry to hear you are going through the same type of stuff. It's hard but we'll get there one day.

 

Thanks, and I'm thinking if you too.

 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-01-2024 09:07 PM

You not a burden to anyone @Lemon_Dolphin I think you're a wondefful person. 

what do you mean by this  "And it's hard when they know my parents"

Thank you we defileny will. 

 

 

 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 26-01-2024 09:12 PM

@Red_Flamingo aww, thanks. 🥰

Well, everyone I talk to about everything know my parents and have for years. So I feel like I can't tell them how they make me feel sometimes. And I can't really share without feeling like I'm complaining about them. 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 26-01-2024 09:19 PM

I'm sorry you're having that experience. @Lemon_Dolphin

I'm able to talk to my uncle (mum's brother) and he agrees with me. 

Do you ever talk to KHL or a psychologist? I can't remember if you said you do or not/ 

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 27-01-2024 02:09 AM

@Red_Flamingo I have never tried KHL, but I did just get a counselor. Haven't met with them yet and don't for another week and a half.

I'm also getting super nervous for that. I have no idea what to expect. Like do I start the conversation or do they? And do I tell them why I want to have counselling in the start? Anyway, I'm a little nervous about that.

 
 
 
 
 
Green_Ghost
Green_GhostPosted 01-02-2024 12:52 PM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin

Normally they start the conversation by asking what you've come to counselling for. In the first session or so they also try to get to know you so that you can form a professional relationship and some trust between you before you proceed into the more challenging stuff! Share as much as you feel comfortable sharing, as you can always share more with them down the line once you feel more comfortable with them.

 

Hope this helps 🙂

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 01-02-2024 11:44 PM

Thanks. That's really helpful.

 
Rara
RaraPosted 22-01-2024 12:36 PM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and sounds challenging at the moment. I do understand about parents not understanding rest and challenges with mental health as I went through similar things. 

I would often confide in my sister about the struggles I had at home and with my parents who were able to help me navigate them and give me suggestions on how to avoid some of these things. Is there anyone you could confide in a friend or a family member who might be able to help? 

 

My mum wasn't open very much at the start when I told her I was struggling with mental health issues and eventually I started seeing a counsellor in our town with very minimal cost they taught me some coping mechanisms but also gave me the opportunity to vent and rant. After a while my mum saw how much happier I was and how much better I was doing that while the conversations aren't still easy with her they are definitely better. Even if you can't or don't want to see someone is there still someone you could confide in? 

 

I too value my rest and can be emotionally exhausted from my family. Something I would often do even when my mum would say I'm not doing anything would take a walk or walk to our local park and sit and listen to music. I would also go to our local library so I was able to listen to music, read, journal and whatnot without my parents constantly asking me what I was doing and not being productive. Could something similar work for you? 

 

 

 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 22-01-2024 03:22 PM

Thanks for replying.

I do talk to my twin sister a little bit. And one other person. But at the moment, I've been feeling like I don't really have anyone to talk to.

The first time I told my mum, she kind of made me feel like my depression and anxiety was my fault and was out of selfishness. Which I know is not completely true, but it still hurt. The next few times we talked were a bit better, but I think her first response has made me not want to open up as much anymore.

I also have finally found a counselor. First one but we're not meeting for quite a while.

My mum doesn't like me going on walks by myself because it's not that safe. I usually spend a lot of my time in my bedroom.

I also work cleaning my church which takes 4 hours, so I get that time by myself, which I really enjoy.

 
 
 
Rara
RaraPosted 23-01-2024 10:53 AM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin

It's good that you can talk to your twin sister about this and the forums are always here if you need someone to talk to.

 

While opening up to your parents is always a good thing sometimes it takes them a bit to process because they do care for you and don't want to feel at fault. So when I first opened up to my mum and over a few months it was on a need-to-know basis that if I was struggling she knew but otherwise I used other people to help open up too,

 

It's good that you have found a counsellor, maybe during that time before the appointment you could write down some things you would like to mention. 

 

You get to enjoy some time by yourself. Is it possible to do more hours or days cleaning the church to get that alone time especially when you feel you need a little more self care? 

 

 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 23-01-2024 08:20 PM

Well, I haven't really been talking to my twin that much about it lately. I did get to talk to my younger sister the other night, but then i had my shower because I was starting to cry and I didn't want her to notice.

 

And I have opened up to other people too a little bit, but I don't really feel like I can anymore.

 

No, I can't do more hours on days when I need the alone time, because it's a set number of hours to clean the whole church, and they wouldn't want to pay the extra for me too. I mean, I could probably hang out at the church by myself. But I'd feel bad just sitting around when Mum expects me home or I don't have any reason to be there.

 
 
 
 
 
Zig_RO
Zig_ROPosted 23-01-2024 10:55 PM

Hi Lemon_Dolphin,

 

I just wanted to come online and commend you on your bravery. Opening up to family can always be a hard process to go through and experience, you should be incredibly proud of your ability to do so. From what I've read I can see that you are putting in the steps you need for your own wellbeing. You should be proud of your journey! 

 

I was wondering how you have been today, and if you Have maybe been able to practice any self care activities? 

 

It's normal to feel exhausted after opening up to people and that's ok 🙂 these things can take time, you're only human. Sharing personal experiences can always be a process and a little bit of rest and recharge can be all we need. 🙂

 

The community is all here to support you please don't be afraid to reach out.

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 23-01-2024 11:06 PM

Thank you.

 

I talked to my parents about a month ago, but I'm getting a bit frustrated at them about other things. Especially cause I'm with them all day and having long days, so I'm a bit more emotional.

 

Today was pretty good. I was kept busy all day. It's usually the nights that are a lot harder. Right now I'm listening to my music. That and journalling are the only real self-care I've been able to do lately.

 
 
 
 
 
butterfly21
butterfly21Posted 24-01-2024 02:48 PM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin 

From reading your original post, it sounds like you are going through a pretty tough time right now! It takes so much courage and strength to communicate our mental health struggles with family members, particularly when it seems misunderstood or dismissed, or not generally spoken about.

So amazing job for taking that step and talking about your struggles!! 😁 🤗

 

So glad you had a great day yesterday and kept busy, despite feeling pretty emotionally exhausted! How are you doing today?

 

When I went through a similar struggle in communicating my mental health issues to family members, and it was dismissed, I remember feeling similar to you - feeling that this was ‘proof’ that I should never open up about my issues to anyone, that it was all my fault.

 

But over the next few months, talking about my issues more frequently and saying to them that I was hurt by their words or actions helped my family to understand a bit better. I hope that, even if your family doesn’t get to this stage, your counsellor will be a great pillar of support for you! 😊

 

I hear your difficulties at night (I had that too!) - I wonder whether there are any of your self-care strategies that you could use at night as well?

 

We are all here to help and support you! Sending love! 😘

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 25-01-2024 01:44 AM

Today was another pretty busy day. We've been getting up at about 7 and going to bed at about 11:30. And finishing the work for the day sometimes at 9:30 - 10:30, so I don't really get any time to think. So I'll probably crash when we get back home from our trip.

 

Yeah, that's definitely how I feel sometimes. I think some people make you feel loved and normal while giving you the support you need, while others make you feel dirty and unseen and make you feel scared to share again. And I've experienced both.

 

Like the first time, my mum made me feel pretty bad. But my dad made me feel normal and supported. But then it changed a little bit around, because one week I got him to drop me off at the church so I could clean. And that is my time away from family. But he stayed and helped clean for a while so he could talk about it all. And I just was thinking hurry up and leave. And he also said a lot of it could be from too much social media. So I started feeling bad about that. Anyway, it's annoying and frustrating and hurtful when they don't give you the right support.

 

I feel like at the moment it's just journalling and listening to music. And I really want to try some new ones while away. I have lots for when I feel anxious but not really for when I feel depressed.

 

Thanks for listening.

 
 
 
 
 
butterfly21
butterfly21Posted 26-01-2024 01:34 PM

Wow, @Lemon_Dolphin that definitely sounds like you had a super busy day! I’m glad to hear the busyness keeps you distracted from your negative thoughts. How has your energy and sleep been? 

 

That’s actually really tough, that you’ve been feeling unseen and unwilling to share because of these negative experiences. But also, yay for having people making you feel loved!! 💌 😁 I wonder if there’s any way you can strengthen this support system in your life? 

 

So happy to hear your dad made you feel so supported and wanted to chat with you about it - that’s awesome! From personal experience, sometimes our parents like to offer advice more than simply listen, because they feel that’s the best way of helping you. But I hear you when you say that’s not the right support for you right now, and I’m sorry for how hurtful you’ve been feeling! 😞

 

What kind of music do you like, or would be interested to listen to? Do you have playlists for different moods (e.g., when you’re anxious)?

 

We’re all here for you, ready to listen! 😊

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 26-01-2024 04:04 PM

Yes, today is the last day of teaching so I'll get a bit of a break, but now it's just going to be different work.

 

I don't think I'm getting enough sleep. But I also stay up till 11:30 - 12:00 because I want some time to myself to just unwind. I mean, I'd rather process my thoughts and the day than ignore it and have to deal with it later. Also I need something I really enjoy just for me. So I'm not getting as much sleep as I would like. 

Yeah and same with energy. I want more coffee, but we hardly have time in the morning to go out and get some. But that's ok, I guess. Caffeine to give me energy would be great. That sounds so bad. 

 

I think I need to actually message these people instead of holding back because I think I'm a burden. But actually doing that is hard. And scary. But I think the more often I do it, the more I will strengthen those bonds and support.

 

Ok, so I told my parents. But I don't want to talk to them about it. We don't talk about emotions as a family, so no way am I starting! Also, my private thoughts only go to those privileged enough to know me well. People I can trust.

 

I listen to a mix of artists. NF, Alexander Stewart, Bruno Mars, Anne Marie, so many. Lots of the more emotional, deep ones that I relate to. I do have a few albums but I usually just listen to the lot in one big album.

 

Thanks.

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