After getting advised to do so from a couple of mods on here, I just went to chat online with an abuse hotline so they could clear up some questions I had about the possibility of reporting my abuser. By the end of that chat, I had given the lady I was talking to the information she asked for so she could report it.
The situation with my abuser is kind of complicated and difficult so apparently she's going to see if she can file a report. She'll call me sometime tomorrow apparently to let me know whether she was able to or whether I'll have to report him myself.
The shock of what I just did is wearing off and now I want to cry.
I just possibly reported a man I've been in love with for the past three years as an abuser.
Which he is. No matter how manipulated I may or may not have been (I still cannot tell whether anything he did was abusive) there is still one fact that neither of us could ever change that made it toxic and made it illegal and made him a bad person.
But I still love him.
I don't want to have to deal with cops.
I don't want to have to tell my parents the extent of what happened. I don't want my mother to give me her 'I told you so' look.
I don't want my computer and my phone looked through. It gives me such anxiety when people just touch them the thought of people looking through it, especially at the things I've been trying to hide for so long, is making me feel physically ill.
I don't know how I'm going to cope.