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I wish...

Days are mostly ok at the moment. Other than finding it hard to focus and wishing someone will ask how I am but they never do.

 

Evenings are mostly ok. Sometimes with arguments with family. I need to fix up my relationship with my mum but I'm scared and I don't know how and I wish it could all just be good.

 

And nights. They aren't so good. 

 

Tonight I felt like crying, but I didn't really have any reason.

 

My friend asked how I was while I was out. But there were others in the room and we also aren't supposed to talk privately either, so I told him I was fine. Not good, not bad. And it is what it is. I wish I could have told him the truth.

 

Spoiler
I wish I could have told him it's been bad lately, but I had two good days in row. And that I've started having suicidal thoughts in the last few months that I never got to tell him about. And that the other night, I couldn't stop crying. And that some days I feel numb. And about the poetry book I read that described my feelings, that the waves keep crashing over me and I don't get enough breaths of air. About the arguments that leave me crying in my room. And about the loneliness, that I don't have anyone to tell any of these things to anymore. I wish I could have told him that some days, I pray that God would let me die.

 

I wish he would message me to ask how I really am instead of just accepting the lies I give him. I wish I could go back to when we could share these things so it wasn't so heavy.

 

I wish the one person I still talked to about the messy stuff messaged me and asked how I was instead of me just having to say it before she asks. I wish I didn't feel like a burden ever time I messaged her, even when it's just a question about something totally unrelated to my mental health. I wish she'd ask how I was. 

 

I wish I could talk to other males without worrying that it'll end in heartbreak and still hurting months later. I wish I could know for certain that it will end bad or good so I know whether or not I should.

 

Spoiler
I wish I loved my body. I wish I didn't look in the mirror, inspecting my size. Loving and hating that I've lost some weight.

I wish people could see that life's not all good. I wish people reached in instead of expected me to always reach out.

 

Spoiler
I wish I didn't think about self-harm so often. I wish I could shower without thinking what it would be like.  I wish someone could mention death or hospitals without me thinking about me wanting to be there myself. 

But at the same time, I wish I had the scars so people could see. But then, I doubt they'd actually give me the help I want. I think I just want way more than people can offer. And they'd probably make me feel selfish and bad. Just like my mum made me feel when I shared about my mental health.

I wish I didn't end up crying after a good day. I wish I could just be happy and choose to be. I wish life wasn't so hard.

 

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm going to go to sleep now. Maybe I'll have an online chat with Headspace tomorrow if I'm still feeling bad.

Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 12:53 AM

Comments

 
Bel_RO
Bel_ROPosted 28-02-2024 02:20 PM

Hi @Lemon_Dolphin,

Thank you for sharing what you are going through with the community and keeping your post in line with community guidelines. I can see how courageous you are by sharing and really admire that! I also wanted to thank you for confirming your safety with the community and noting how you were keeping yourself safe last night, and that you would connect with Headspace if you needed to. We really appreciate it. 

 

I can see that you are going through a really hard time. It sounds like there are so many thoughts and feelings all happening at once which can be scary. You aren’t alone with all that you are experiencing as many young people are going through similar situations. It can feel really overwhelming and isolating not being able to talk about these things with anyone when you really need to.

 

I can hear your displeasure with your body and concerns around weight loss. This can be really challenging to open up about and share with others, but know that you aren’t alone with how you’re feeling. I encourage you to explore the Butterfly Foundation to learn more about body image and weight. 

 

We have also sent you an email to check in so please keep an eye out for that!

 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 01:56 PM

Today's not been great. I mean, nothing bad's happened. I'm just sad.

 

Last night, I fell asleep at about 2 in the morning, cause I was crying from 1. I came to the conclusion that I don't think life is actually going to get better. I think I'm just destined for a lonely life. Because I doubt I'll ever make friends that I can share everything with. And I wish I could just be numb so it didn't hurt so much.

 

And now I'm so tired from the lack of sleep.

 

And I'm sick of living two lives. One in the day where things are mostly good and I'll cope with it. And another at night where life's hopeless and things won't change. And I'm tired of it all.

 

I've been scrolling Instagram feeling a bit numb. And no one ever asks how I am.

 

Anyway, I'm safe. I'm going to have something to eat and then play some piano maybe.

 

And if I need to, I'll contact Headspace.

 

 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 05:21 PM

Hey @Lemon_Dolphin 

 

I can see that things are quite heavy for you at the moment... it sounds like night time comes with alot of sadness and loneliness for you. I can hear that despite your days feeling okay, your nights leave you feeling trapped and hopeless. This must feel quite draining for you. 

 

Thank you for confirming that you are safe. Taking the step to seek support can be challenging sometimes, so I am glad to hear that you recognise when you need some extra support, and reach out to Headspace. 

 

I see that you play piano - that is so cool. What kind of music do you like to play? Do you ever compose your own mini-pieces? 

 

I am hear to listen whenever you need, I would love to hear more about your day. 

 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 05:26 PM

Hey @teacup5 thanks

Yeah, it's quite draining. And it gets to be a lot because it's just building up. Cause I don't really have people I can about it to.

 

I like playing romantic period music. The softer, more calm, emotional music. I haven't really tried composing before. I'm actually hoping to finish up with it but my mum wants me to keep going. So it can be draining especially when I don't have that much energy.

 

I've just been doing some studying, working on some assessments, and waiting till bedtime cause my eyes hurt from not enough sleep last night.

 
 
 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 05:32 PM

Hey again, thanks for replying.

 

Having so much happening in your mind without being able to let it out is tough. Is there something in particular that is feeling quite heavy for you at the moment? If you'd like, I'm happy to chat about it. 

 

Romantic period piano sounds beautiful. It's amazing how much emotion can come from music. I can totally understand the pressure from your Mum to continue it. My Dad always wanted me to go to guitar lessons, but I didn't enjoy it unless I was playing just for fun. 

 

Ah yes, I'm sure working on your assessments will surely add to your sleepiness. I'm hoping you have a more restful sleep tonight. Do you have any night time routines that help you sleep? I like ASMR rain sounds. 

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 05:41 PM

@teacup5 I've been having more arguments with my mum. I think I hurt her by almost pushing out to cope with my depression. And I don't know how to fix it.

 

And I miss my friend and I wish I still had someone to talk to. And everyone I love is leaving. And the whole thing of not having anyone is making me feel so lonely. 

 

No, I just have a spray that's supposed to stop my body from twitching, and help me sleep a bit. But when my depression's bad, it doesn't really work.

I share a room with my sisters, so I can't really put on soft music because it would keep them awake. And I hate sleeping with headphones in.

 
 
 
 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 06:02 PM

That sounds really exhausting, trying to manage your relationship with your mum while coping with your own mental health. I'm wondering whether you can chat to her about accidentally pushing her away as a coping mechanism? Although it is a tricky conversation, it may feel like a little bit of weight off your shoulders to talk with your mum? 

 

I can also see you are missing your friend and feel that people are leaving you. Everything you are feeling sounds difficult to deal with on your own. We are here to listen, and we aren't going anywhere. I am glad you reached out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 06:17 PM

I don't know. It's so hard talking about these things, because the last time I did, she made me feel bad about myself. And I guess I still haven't really forgiven her for that.

I'll probably talk to my counselor about it for some help.

 

Thanks for listening. It means a lot.

 
 
 
 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 06:53 PM

That's disappointing to hear chatting with your Mum made you feel bad about yourself. I hope that she is able to listen and support you better in the future. 

Chatting to your counsellor sounds great. Although things are weighing heavily for you at the moment, better days will come. You're doing amazing, reaching out and being so honest and vulnerable about what's going on for you takes a lot of courage and self awareness. Hope to hear from you soon 🙂

 

Enjoy your peaceful piano and a restful nights sleep (my fingers are crossed for you!). Take care!

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 06:57 PM

Yeah, I hope so. Sometimes I'm scared it actually won't get better. Because what if I never find someone to share the hard things with? And what if I always miss my friend? And what if it just gets worse?

 
 
 
 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 07:03 PM

I can understand why you're scared. All of your concerns sound pretty human to me, I think even when people seem to have everything together, they're also scared of the same things you are. I know that currently these questions may seem far from reach, but I want you to ask yourself anyway. What if you meet new friends? What if things get better? 

For your friend, missing someone is a terrible feeling. I'm wondering if you feel comfortable telling me more about your friend and why you're no longer in touch?

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 07:13 PM

Well, he's like 10, 11 years older than me, opposite sex. And my parents thought it was best we don't talk privately anymore. And it's understandable for both our safety.

But I used to tell him literally everything and he always understood. 

And we still see each other like twice a week at church events. But we don't message each other at all anymore. And when we talk, it's just random conversations. It's never him asking how I am and me answering with the truth anymore.

So going from that to pretty much no one really hurts.

 
 
 
 
 
teacup5
teacup5Posted 28-02-2024 08:38 PM

It sounds like you have had to let go of someone quite close to you. Having someone that you can tell everything to would have felt good. I hear you go to Church events, have you met anyone else here that you enjoy talking with? 

 
 
 
 
 
Lemon_Dolphin
Lemon_DolphinPosted 28-02-2024 08:41 PM

Yeah, there was another person I got on with ok. But he moved for study.

The others I get on with but I don't really know them as well. I join their conversations but that's about it

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